Hey:)
Here I am here once again to vent.
For a pretty long time, half a year, or even longer I didn’t accept that I was still an addict. I never told anyone how bad things were actually, how often I smoked weed or drank. I haven’t even told my therapist about it. I thought, why? I felt like I was in control of it. In my opinion, it didn’t really influence my life in a bad way, not anymore, at least. I still went to college, getting good grades. I still had a relationship, friends, got to spend time with my family. I only smoked or drank when i was alone, in the evening, to get some time out from life. And to fall asleep easier. Of course some times I met up with friends and we smoked together. But I’m 19 and i live in Berlin, so everyone does it, right? So i didn’t really feel like I was doing something wrong.
I‘m ten days sober now, which is kind of a long time for me, because I used to smoke or drink almost every night. I stopped because i understood that consuming was a bad coping mechanism. It was a way for me to deal with my emotions, stress, anxiety, family drama and just life in general. And i understood that I have to find a way to deal with all of it in some other way. Actually facing my emotions and actually dealing with them.
Today I have an appointment with my therapist. I want to talk to her about all of the stuff. But I don’t know how she would react, because I understand that I kind of lied to her the whole time. That I wasn’t saying that I still smoked pot, that I was still drinking. I understand that it’s my fault and it’s my responsibility to face the consequences. But it seems so hard. I still want to do it for my own sake.
The biggest problem of going to therapy is that the dealer I used to buy from lives in the same neighborhood. I’m already craving the whole time and I don’t know how good I’m going to deal with the whole situation.
I have a lot of thoughts. Like was it really bad that I smoked and drank that much? Am I really able to fully stop? Do I want to fully stop doing it?
Thank you for your answers:) I hope everyone who reads this is doing well 
Hi Nadja and congrats on your sober time and moreover on the realisation that you depend on pot and alk to cope with life, and that you want to change that. I think it is absolutely awesome you have realised this and speaks of a lot of honesty and courage in you.
I think you have answered your own question in your post. It is not “bad” you smoked and drank every day. But it is not good for you as in it will keep you from developing the skills to deal with life on your own. It’ll keep you in a world of false security and false feelings and will not let you live life as it is. You are wise and lucky to realise this at your young age, so I’m very glad for you.
I know what it’s like in Berlin, everyone does it right? The more fucked up the better…
Well, there really is a life beyond that. That Dackel will thank you aswell. My dog did. 
Hi nadja, it took courage and trust to tell someone in which extent I was drinking. I wasn’t telling several therapists for a long time. So I continued drinking. It was some kind of Salamitaktik, always downgrading the amount and how often I was drinking. The amount I admitted was also enough but could be excused even by doctors or therapist. Bc depending on the therapist he/she will be blind to these signs.
So finally admitting I have a problem not drinking every single night, welcome the inherent shame, I could later close that door. Bc before I maybe dropped the topic here and there but only so that nobody could track me down.
Your therapist won’t judge you. It will improve your relationship, I believe. Bc you don’t have to think about what you can tell how and when so that it makes sense. Truth is consistent. Lies are exhausting.
Viele liebe Grüße aus Ravensburg 
Hey Nadja how did it go? Hope you feel good about your decision. When I started therapy I was still drinking. I went there drunk aswell the first few times. I remember finally telling my therapist. It took time for both of us to trust my sobriety but we have grown together strong in it.
I wish I had such an understanding of what alcohol was doing to me at 19 years old.
I know for myself I had a hard time verbalizing to anyone that I had a problem with alcohol because I didnt want to feel any accountability for my problem. Not sure if maybe you are having the same reluctance?
Also wanted to add that all those questions you have at the end of your post would be a great thing to talk about with your therapist. Maybe you don’t have a problem. I know I asked myself those same questions. For me it was my addict brain trying to stop me from reaching out for help.
I needed many consequences from my drinking before I stopped listening to my addict brain and started seeking a sober life.
Hey, it went pretty well actually. It somehow even felt good to finally talk openly about all the stuff that was going on with me.
And yeah, I also had a situation where I came to the therapist totally high and had a break down during our session and couldn’t even explain why…
I feel pretty positive about the future right now. My therapist also told me that I should learn to deal with my emotions. The problem isn’t the alcohol or the weed, it’s that im generally running away from „feeling things“ and facing my problems.
And thank you for your answer:)
Yes, it’s kind of the same for me. I knew that drinking and smoking is bad and makes my friends and family worried and maybe even disappointed, so I thought, yeah if I don’t tell anyone that’s not real, right.
And yeah as I already mentioned in an other comment, me and my therapist both think that alcohol and weed ain’t necessary the problem, but that I use them as a coping mechanism? Does it make sense? I mean anyways I’m an addict, so that’s a fact. So right now I’m just working on understanding my feelings and working through them, understanding my trauma and how it influences my behavior.
I hope you are doing good:) thanks that you answered:) helps to know that I’m not alone 
Hey this is great, glad to hear it went well and of course it feels good to come clean! In AA they say “you’re only as sick as your secrets” 
Just wanna add one thing to what your therapist said. It’s not only the case that we are actively running from feeling things and that we need to turn around and face them. In many cases we have also learned in our childhood that certain emotions are not ok to feel so we have buried them deep and must literally learn to feel them again. For example, it might have been unacceptable in one’s family to show sadness (“oh no don’t cry, you’re making mummy sad!”) And as a consequence perhaps nowadays one cannot feel sad but instead anxiety or nervousity will come up.
Just want to illustrate that it is often less direct than to willingly face one’s feelings finally and take some pressure off you. It can all be rediscovered and relearned though. 
You’re doing awesome Nadja! I hope to read from you soon again! 
Enjoy the 