Back story, I have been trauma healing since 2020. Anyway, my journey has lead me to be more understanding but in my own struggle to avoid feeling and remembering, I turned to alcohol and weed. I hadn’t drank since feb and slipped on Tuesday, I’m constantly high to the point I do nothing. I’m almost felt like I lost my best male this weekend while having a conversation that was serious while high and it sent me into a grief and panic. It was this morning i realized I had a serious problem. It was this morning when I said I would have a last dance with Mary Jane today, and it was this evening when I realized I like my best friend more then I think. It’s right now that I feel embarrassed… it’s just like alcohol… I just can’t have one and be done. My entire life is going down the drain, hell I think it’s Sunday… I don’t even know how to cope when I actually have to deal with things now. I’m scared. I’ve been doing everything in my power to avoid what everyone else was seeing.
My drug(s) of choice was weed & alcohol as well; I abused both since 1991 and I have been clean since 3-5-2022. Consider checking into an Inpatient recovery program, inventory your People, Places & Things that are contrary to your abstinence/recovery and create BOUNDARIES.
I’m Your Disease - Anonymous
I hate meetings. I hate Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a Program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful - That’s me. I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I was given you comfort, have I not? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me? I was there. I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love when I make you so numb, you neither hurt nor cry. You can’t feel anything at all. This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long-term suffering. I’ve been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was only one who would agree with you. Together, we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.
People don’t take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously. Fools that they are, they don’t know that without my help these things would not be made possible.
More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12-step Program. Your Program, your meetings, your Higher Power. All weaken me and I can’t function in the manner I am am accustomed to.
Now I must lie here quietly. You don’t see me, but I am growing. Bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I AM here…and until we meet again, IF we meet again - I wish you death and suffering.
Welcome @Foxontherun. You’ve come to the right place. Deciding you want to stop is the first step. Look around on here and use the resources you find, or just scroll animal pics and memes with the time you used to be using. We are all addicts here and there is always someone around ready to chat. I wish you well. 
Welcome @Foxontherun you have joined a helpful and supportive group of like minded friends. Welcome.
@Humbriety … Maaaaaaan what a great post. I’ll read that a few times today.
Welcome 
. With time, and with being sober things will become clearer, u will be braver. It won’t fix everything, but sobriety is a good start, the only start.
Thank you so much and it’s very likely I may have to do that in a couple weeks. I wish I had come to this realization sooner this week. I’ve already failed this morning but I’m think if I nap real quick I can still go to work.
It’s very likely someone is going to have to come remove this for me because the lies in my head right now are just absolutely insane.
Thank you! I created this last night and now I’m going to go lay in bed and explore a little more and take a nap cause I have done made mistakes this morning.
I felt so good when I woke up and I just couldn’t stop thinking about it and I’m like everyone won’t know what time I woke up… but I am awake and holding myself accountable