I gave in. After a month of not drinking, my husband finally opened up to me. Ony families vacation. He was having an awful time and complained via text to his family the entire time. He had nothing but resentment towards me and I couldn’t figure it out. He ignored me for an entire day on vacation. I confronted him about it, and before I could mention how I felt he said he has a plan to kill himself within the year and he didnt want to leave me with nothing, so he was going to have some money saved for me. Before I even realized I was speaking, without filtering my thoughts as i usually do to protect him from being upset, I said I wanted a divorce.
I cant do anything or say anything without him insulting me or being angry with me. Everything I do is wrong to him, he thinks I’m selfish. But i NEVER do anything for myself, ever. He doesnt even know about me struggling daily against depression, about my daily sobbing because I can’t drink, my family issues. Nothing. But he says all i do is complain. He doesnt realize that I’m nothing but positive around him, I put his needs before my own. And he admitted before Disney Springs yesterday that he hates me for going to law school, he resents that people appreciate that I’m going. He thinks I’m condescending. But I always Express my gratitude for factory workers, and often I say he has the better career than me as a student. After all, blue collar workers are the most necessary people. I know I cant do or figure out the stuff they know.
He doesnt believe me. And while I’m upset about the divorce, I know I’ve already lost him. He isnt the same person I fell in love with, and I cant handle being the villain constantly. The only way to save myself is to get out of this marriage ASAP.
But, after this discussion, we went to Disney Springs. After 31 days sober, I fell. I drank. It was one shot of rum in a mango tea. It wasnt getting drunk or buzzed at all. But I didnt want to drink, I just had the urge. When I was in line to get it, I tried to turn and leave so I wouldn’t relapse. But he encouraged me to get it, “one shot wont hurt, you have done well so reward yourself.” That was so STUPID looking back. I went through with it and drank again. I hate myself for that, even though it wasnt much. I feel worthless. I couldn’t stick to sobriety when I was stressed, and the person who hurt me most encouraged it. It isnt his fault, I made the choice. But I wish I hadn’t. All i want is another drink, I thought I was getting past it. I must have been a bad alcoholic, because I kept waking up in a cold sweat shaking just wanting one more drink. Why does that even happen? Why do I hate myself? Why am I such a failure? God, this sucks.
I feel like such a failure. In my marriage, in life, in sobriety. I was so concerned with how he views me as an enemy, that in the end I became my own.