My life has been a tapestry of the most brilliant hues along with shades of joy and sorrow, love and loss. My mind is a vessel of memories spanning thirty four years. I often walk through the corridors of my past, reaching out and touching upon moments of bliss and periods of solitude. My mind often finds its way to Juniper drive, the first and only home we ever bought was on that road, and the earliest memories our babies will ever have were made there in that house. A place that now holds another family making memories, swinging from the branches of the big old cherry tree in the background that gave laughter and joy to the summers of my children’s youth. It is also the place I began to lose Dan.
He had built up walls that rival that of Everest.
A tactical genius who had zero self control. He knew of love as grand as Percy and Mary Godwin Shelley, and as fickle as Cleopatra and Mark Antony. I fell in love with Dan while he was in the trenches. I never imagined he would not take my hand and allow me to help pull him up. It was so much brighter up here. I could finally breathe and wanted him to as well. I knew watching him continue to battle his demons was only making it harder for me to quiet mine.
I never thought I would have to stand and watch as they took him out though. He was a fighter. To be witness to the drain of his spark. To feel his pain in my own heart. Yet still being powerless. On the days he would endure going without his substance, in attempts to kick it for good. He would stare me in the eyes and tell me they stole something from him as a boy that he could never get back. So much pain behind his eyes. I tried to reassure him that the color would eventually come back to his world. He never did believe me though. Like a star, a bright spot in the inconceivable distances. As I stand alone amidst a world that bares its fangs without relent, I take solace in the thought that wherever Daniel is, his presence remains a light that never dims. For when I think about the stars, I will always think of him. The way his eyes lit up when he let out a genuine laugh, they sparkled with the same kind of light that illuminates our night sky. His presence fills me with wonder and with an awe, that rivals the grandeur of the stars themselves.
I believe that love is powerful. It is the redeemer of sins, the creator of patience. We were born from love. It’s in our very nature. From the impetuous embrace of my younger years, to the serene companionship of my in between years, I have danced to the beat of love. Twirling around with joy and swaying slowly, in the anguish of the departure of it.
