I just want to be sober. My first 24 hours having no booze. I want to make it to a week. I want to make it a month, a year. It’s been rare the past 3 years a week sober has happened. I’m killing my body drinking nearly everyday. I drink because it makes everything seem better. It makes me feel better. I feel warm and happy. It subsititues for a lack of love and support I have in my life. So I turn to alcohol for support. It started at a very dark time in my life. Just leaving a severely mentally and physically abusive relationship of 4 years with a sociopath. Leaving me broken mentally, and a single mother. I come from a emotionally distant family so I had little to no support when it came to me. In a time I needed someone to save me the most i instead was left forgotten and uncared for. I lick and nurse my wounds with alcohol and I need to find a way to better my self because I realized no one is going to save me. I’m killing myself and I want to live. Right now I’m just existing. I’m not happy. I know the first step towards a better life is to go booze free. But how can I change my patterns when it’s been how I have tried to heal my self with for so long
welcome to the forum! glad you’re here. my story is a little different but i can certainly relate to parts you wrote. i was absolutely killing myself and just barely existing. wasn’t much of an existence at all really. and you’re right, booze free is a great step in the right direction. changing patterns is tough but it’s absolutely possible. there’s tons of people on this forum who are proof of that. i encourage you to browse around and read some threads. here’s one you may find helpful -
You change by starting today, right now. We’re all broken in one way or another and we’ve been where you are. Making the change is scary and uncomfortable, but that’s how we grow.
Is the alcohol REALLY making you feel any better? Or do you wake up with a hangover and regrets? For me, the drink was making my life chaotic, my body unhealthy and my mind anxious and depressed. I wanted desperately to end that cycle.
Keeping our focus on the one thing we can control…our selves…worked for me. Not picking up that drink. Taking a look at my list of why I don’t drink and reminding myself of how bitterly sick and tired I was of myself and drinking…that keeps me sober. Keeping my focus on not drinking today.
Stay sober today. Tomorrow you can focus on not drinking tomorrow. This IS doable if you are ready. 
I always wake up feeling super depressed! I know after drinking for so long it affected my moods for sure. When I go 3 days without alcohol I always feel like my head is on more straight. It’s just about staying commited no matter how hard it is.
I understand. It can be hard to find that focus sometimes. For me, I had to be so sick of my shit and desperate to change. And I had to be willing to keep trying if I fell down. It definitely can be done. I drank (and drugged) for more than 40 years and I am just shy of 3 years sober. Anything is possible when we own our power and believe in our selves.
Welcome. I am glad you are here among us.
I know the road you are walking, for I’ve chewed much the same dust. I sought an escape from soul-crushing grief, but all I was drinking were lies. Whenever I’d sober up, the grief was waiting for me…right where I left it.
I wanted to be better, so I decided to be better. But how? Stay sober. Sober is better. I started there.
Then I realized something: all I had to do to stay sober was to say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink, and say “no” to the hardest person to say “no” to…me. If there wasn’t a first drink, there couldn’t be a second or third or eighth. There wouldn’t be a blackout or hurt feelings or self-loathing. I would be better, just by being sober.
Now I am better. Almost 800 days better. Better today than I was yesterday, and tomorrow better still.
You can be better too.
I hope you will stay, read, engage, learn, share.
Peace.
I’m at that point now. So sick and tired of myself and my addiction. I know its now or keep making excuses and it will never happen. I get so overwhelmed thinking of how far I need to go and how hopeless it feels. The stress of it alone makes me want to drink. I’m glad I found this site to talk to others. I feel way less alone.
Just make it to today. Nothing else matters.
Good!! That’s a great step. Lots to read and learn from here, so take a look around!
Glad to see you Kelsey, welcome to TS! Different life-escape route for me but same basic problem: I am baffled by life, by its ups and downs and pains and hopes and fears, so I escape.
One day I woke up and said, I’m sick of this. I don’t want to run any more. So I decided to stand my ground. I faced all those up and down moments, the whirlwind that used to push me to my running, and instead I tried to understand where they were pointing me. I discovered emotion is a powerful compass for where I should be looking (sadness / hurt / loneliness = I need connection, empathy; anger = I need acknowledgment & justice; shame = I need to explore my values & reintegrate & sincerely apologize, if needed; etc). I discovered my colleagues and my acquaintances had considerable support to offer me if I spoke with them humbly and in a way appropriate to our relationship. I discovered recovery groups where I have made some close connections with others in recovery - I’ve found a community.
We’re not failed human beings. We are human beings learning to live truly, and humbly, and kindly, and lovingly, first to ourselves (self-awareness, self-care) and then to others.
I’m happy you’re here. You’re in the right place. There are so many good people here. Look around the threads and explore - there’s something for everyone. Welcome to the community! 
Welcome. It’s sounds like you been through the ringer. It sounds like life has been really hard on you. I hate to pull the ol have you been to an AA meeting, but, have you? It sounds like u could use one. I’ve been drinking forever and now that I’m sixty I’m giving it up. I’m doing my best to stop as best as I can one day at a time. Lots a good people here better off with more experience than I. And they will help u along with your sobriety. I’ve been enjoying my 32 days so far. I am afraid of a big crash in my future but I’m sober today right now and that’s how I’m doing it. And of course checking in here whenever possible to give and to receive.
Keep coming back. Your so worth it.
Just make it to today. Nothing else matters.
Truer words were never spoken! 
Life has been hard since I was young and it never got easier. My faith in God is questioned alot. I have gone to aa meetings but Its hard to find the time to go due to having no child care and working as well. I do not confide in my mom about my addictions. When I told her last year I was starting to go to aa she made a fuss of having to watch my daughter and then she started to judge me. Always suspecting I was wasted and all my money goes to alcohol. Also I suffer from social anxiety so I find just going on this very helpful
Ya I don’t do AA either. Sorry your mom isn’t more supportive. Keep coming in here then and work some devotionals and prayer time with your God. He’s out there for you and he loves you. It’s ok to have doubles and be upset with him/her. And stay away from triggers.
This is very very true and what God has been trying to teach me. I’m content being alone but I need to be content alone and sober. Thank you
Thx for sharing ,this is my first day on this forum and its already feeling great to be of service to others. First we start with learning to love our selves, my father always told me to look in the mirror and say positive things about myself to uplift my spirit. U are important just remember that, u deserve a chance so give urself a break stay connected try the AA program,do the work and all in all find your higher power he’s awaiting ur call.
When it comes to addiction you hear the word fight a lot and that’s exactly how to take each day I wake up war ready now you can either get knocked on your ass or you can have the mentality that you gonna kick the shit out of your addiction I refuse to lose nothing can take you down unless you let it be a fighter
Good analogy.
Fight as if your life depends on it, because it truly does…!
Hey Donna! Just finished off my addiction for the day to move to 18-0 had to do it. How are you today?