I keep repeating a cycle

I’ve lost almost every single job I’ve had in the past 10 years to drinking and for some reason continue to fool myself thinking I’m cured… I lost my longest holding job in 3 years from drinking again.

This time I went insane thought and drank for 4 days straight a bottle a day and was trying to really hurt myself. Sent out very worrying texts to family members. Cried non stop, fell asleep outside.

I stopped drinking about 24 hours ago and I’m filled with anxiety and I don’t know what to do next.

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Welcome here. If you are serious about not drinking don’t drink today. Keep coming here read the posts and reach out when you want. Have you tried AA?

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I’m not going to drink but I’m also just in a mental jam, forgot to mention the fool I acted as at work.

I have tried AA but never stuck it out I get freaked out

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I drank and drugged like that for years. Here’s I got sober:

I went to a 30 day inpatient rehab. I also lost a job so I used Medicade. If you’re unemployed you will qualify.

Once I got out I signed up for IOP. For 3 months I went 4x a week. Then 3x a week for another 2 months.

I went to 2 aa meetings daily pretty much straight for 6 months. Over 6.5 years later I still attend AA regularly.

I engaged in both therapy and alcohol counseling. And still do therapy.

I moved into a sober living facility.

My first year of sobriety I avoided many situations involving alcohol. Including important events.

However the most important thing I did was get a sponsor and work the steps.

If you do all of these things combined you will probably get and stay sober just like I have. That’s the effort it took me.

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What freaked you out about it? Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if you keep repeating a cycle then what you are doing now isn’t enough. Give AA or another program a good try, like 6 months, regular meetings, doing all the homework. If that doesn’t work try an outpatient program, or try rehab. Keep trying more and more things until you get something that fits you.

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If you put barriers up your never get what you want plenty of other programs out there wish you well

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24 hours after a bender are never fun. All the mental turmoil that comes after is hard. Don’t give up. I think that we can all tell stories on our disappointments within ourselves over what we did. The important point is how are you going to dust yourself off and start again. You obviously have got the brains because you started here just talking. You have got this.

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I think I have a hard time with sharing, it makes me uncomfortable. Public speaking freaks me out. Also had a hard time with the word god being used made it feel religious.

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Ask yourself which is harder? Hearing the word God or continuing to drink? Maybe AA isn’t for you, but judging by your pattern you need something other than what you’ve been doing.

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The fear is understandable. I felt similar with many relapses and attempts to stop. It’s from deep down, and it’s real.

What helped and changed for me this time was when my inner narrative shifted.

All that fear? All that anxiety? It was fear of the unknown. Subconsciously knowing something needed to change. Fear that something was wrong with me. Uncertainty in what could be done, and disbelief that it was possible. I would collapse and go back to the easy solution of my old ways.

This time though, something clicked…

Yes. Things did need to change. I did need to do some work.

But. It is not something to be feared. There are people who have been there, and I could see clearly how they’re now thriving. I could instead let them be a sign of hope.

I could fight it or accept it: I DID need help. That does not mean I’m bad or broken. I just needed help. I could let go of my way of things that only led to pain and take on blind faith that maybe, just maybe, if I stayed sober today and started trying what worked for others, maybe I would heal over time.

And after so many years of misery, the hope that it could be better finally made something snap. I said, f*ck it! I give up. Let’s see what happens. Cuz it sure as hell felt like it couldn’t get worse. :joy:

And with that hope, that trust, that complete abandon, little by little things changed. I tried other people’s suggestions even when I didn’t believe they’d work. Even when they made me uncomfortable. Because they might mean a path to getting better.

They did get better. And my inner peace now is tranquil enough that my boss just jokingly asked me what was wrong with me, that I seem to never be bothered by any calamity anymore, lol.

I dunno if any of that helps, but I hope there’s something in it that may help you, too, to let go of it all and find peace. If even just for today.

You’ll be ok. Do not be afraid. Just don’t drink today and see how tomorrow is different. And then do that again.

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AA isn’t the only option, and it isn’t for everyone. There’s also SMART Recovery (which doesn’t involve religion and is research-based).

The main thing right now is to not drink and take care of yourself. Alcohol withdrawal can be brutal and dangerous, so talking to a doctor might be a good idea.

I think AA works for a lot of people in part because it offers a sober social network and in-person support system immediately, which is super helpful for maintaining sobriety. That’s a really important thing to build up for yourself over time, whether you do it through AA or another way. However, AA isn’t mandatory, and research shows that a large proportion of people who get sober do so without using AA.

Good job for getting here & talking about it. I’m proud of you.

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I can feel the anguish from your post, and I’ve been feeling just like you. I’m coming up to three days now off a bad relapse.

My longest sober streak has been when I used this app consistently. Checking in every day and answering others that needed some support. I highly recommend you do the same. The people here have the most beautiful hearts, and are so supportive. My biggest mistake was not using the app consistently, I let life get in the way of working on my sobriety every day, and I paid a high price for it.

I’m here for you if you need a chat or a little support, we can beat this together. Don’t let alcohol isolate you the way I have, please keep reaching out. One day at a time, friend :slightly_smiling_face:

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I’ve been constantly checking and reading the app for the past 3 days and you’re right it helps tremendously.

I’ve apologized for my behavior to my loved ones and now I’m trying my best to move forward and not repeat the cycle.

I keep having these dreams of me using again and it’s making it harder to get out of bed.

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I’m sorry to hear about the dreams you’re having. I think dreams like this are common, certainly while withdrawing. Some people say randomly after years of sobriety they might have a dream about drinking or using. Talk about them, because I’m sure others can relate. It doesn’t mean you’re weakening, we can’t control our dreams.

Be proud you’ve gotten this far, just keep doing what you’re doing. Reach out to us here, you’re never alone. There’s no judgement, we are all in the same boat :heart:

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Binx is totally right. The dreams are super common in the early days. It’s something we’re fixated on, so I guess the subconscious dwells on it too.

Have they been easing up as more sober time passes?

For me they were maybe every few days at first, but eventually maybe every year or two at most as I got more adjusted. A sobering reminder of where I’m trying to go.

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@Englishd said it best. Something other than what your doing. The word God is just a word, many in those rooms use Group Of Drunks (GOD). Nothing religious about that. Ypi dont even have to speak. I went to mettings and kist sat and listened. Never shared until i realized i needed to something different. If nothing changes nothing changes. The insanity of doing the same thing expectting different is a vicious cycle. If you want different do different.

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Today marks day 7 and the dreams have stopped but the anxiety is still lingering! I had to leave Fourth of July early and come home because I felt the urge to drink.

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Congrats on staying sober despite of having the urge to drink. You got this!

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