I have been addicted to pornography for 16 years or so, I got married to my wife in 2018 and it was the happiest day of my life, My addiction grew worse in 2020 during the pandemic and I was reaching out on onlince chat groups and sexting sending picture. This turned to meeting up witj strangers from hookup sites. I confessed all of this to my wife while suicidal and had been dealing with unresolved depression in addition to thebsex addiction. She was gracious and I sought help for a bit but never in earnest we repeated this cycle 3 times each time becoming more strained. One thing i would do that has always brought me alot of shame is if someone near me who trusted me gave me their phone for whatever reason i would inevitably seek out any explicit photos that were on there phone. This has happened 4 times but the 4th broke me i confessed this to my wife but only telling her about the 4th occurrence and she was justifyably angry but has also showed me compassion i was just released from an emergeny mental health hospital for suicidal ideation. My wife asked that we separate for 6 months before deciding if we will divorce or not. In the midst of this my wife had told me she did not need to know every lurid detail of my experience, but just told me she would want to know if it involved someone she knew personally which the other 3 are one of which is her best friend. I now know i have to reveal this to her and in will destroy her and also any hope for reconciliation. If one instance led to separation 4 would certainly lead to her outright hatred of me and immediate divorce. I know im doing the right things im getting serious help from at least 2 therapists and a couples therapist but im dreading out first session whem im going to tell her because I know its going to hurt her so deeply
Iâm sorry to hear your story, sex & porn addiction is insidious and hurts those around us deeply.
Glad to hear youâre engaging in therapy, I found this had really helped me with my sex addiction.
Have you considered Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or similar 12 step programs. Itâs not for everyone, but again, Iâve definitely felt the benefits from attending.
Itâs important to know that youâre not alone, there are many sex/porn/PMO/lust addicts on here and we will understand and identify with a lot of what youâre going through.
I myself was heavily using online chat rooms for cybersex when in active addiction so I really resonated with your story.
If youâre struggling reach out. Use the magnifying glass to search for porn/sex addiction related threads and connect with more addicts. Connection helps.
Yeah im in the process ofngetting connected with groups right now i am just having a really hard time coping with theblevel of guilt especially toward my wife because i know this has already devastated her and this last gutpunch is gonna destroy her
Hi @Broken, my name is Matt - itâs nice to meet you.
Like you, I struggle with sex addiction. I will be a sexaholic my entire life. There is no shame in admitting that in a healthy way. It is the same as a walnut tree admitting it canât produce apples. The question is, who am I, what are the various things that define my past and my present, and what can I do to learn and grow with the person I am?
It is possible to find freedom and dignity and respect. It is possible to live a healthy life of recovery from sexaholism. If I can do it, you can too.
Yes, but not while stumbling around in the dark, trying to make decisions alone with your addled-by-addiction brain. At the moment you canât even engage appropriately with a non-human electrical device (a phone). What makes you think you can engage appropriately with a much more complex human being?
My advice is to speak with a third party who is currently in successful recovery from sex addiction, before you speak with your wife any further about this. You need objective input with healthy experience and real recovery, specifically from sex addiction.
You can reach out to Sexaholics Anonymous and they will connect you with a local group. Scroll down to the bottom of this website for their contact info:
(Edit to add: go to the meeting, and share about your betrayals. Ask for a temporary sponsor. At your first meeting with your sponsor, ask for your sponsorâs input about how to proceed.)
Disclosure within boundaries is important to mitigate trauma for everyone in this experience. There are many, many thousands of sexaholics and their partners who have successfully navigated this phase of recovery, and you can too, but not if youâre stumbling around in the dark.
Welcome to Talking Sober 
Welcome,
Fellow sex addict here. I made some very destructive choices chasing after porn and sex.
Busted up my first marriage, got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop, etc.
And that was all after joining 12 steps, SAA and SLAA. in 1994.
Chronically relapsed for over 25 years. Dropping in and out of various support groups. I was that broken. It took a long time for me to start demonstrating sexual stability and be able to show up in a healthy frame in my marriage to my current wife.
And I wouldnât trade this journey for anything. God has shown great faithfulness as Heâs led me to identify and address various root problems. For me, it was never about the behavior. If my sex addiction was the problem, I would have stopped long ago. Until I started to deal with the problems such as my lack of adequate connection, my unhealthy shame, my poor boundaries, etcâŚ
Those problems were going to subconsciously work against me undermining and sabotaging my conscious efforts to stop behaviors.
To be honest, I know what your wife wants and needs. Iâve heard countless stories like yours from addicts and their wives. I also know that you cannot provide that for her. So I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be saved. Iâm skeptical that staying married is the best choice for either of you.
What I can tell you is that you are starting and awesome and amazing journey. One that will lead you to demonstrate sexual stability. One that will give you the intrinsic motivation and inspiration to condition your eyes, mind, and behavior to align your sexuality with reality. It will take awhile, but this journey is worth it.
A lust-free life is a great life.
I guess the hard part for me too is, i understand that we wont be together anymore and I think I can endure that but I just dont know if theres any hope that she wont hate me someday. We have a young son and I am destroyed that I have broken his family
This is so sad, and my heart breaks for the entire situation. Iâve been thinking about what to say when I first read your message.
Ultimately, poor decisions were made. The thing about addiction is that we forget it doesnât just affect us.
One stupid decision (let alone 4) has left ripples in the lives of others. Suicide is never the solution.
My father took his life 13 years ago, and it still greatly affects me.
Your wifeâs feelings are all valid and itâs important to allow her to feel them all. You have not given her fidelity, the least you can do is give her this. Let her cycle through the hurt, the betrayals, the lies, etc.
Let her hate you.
You cannot control what others think or do, and it takes a remarkable amount of humility to accept this.
I have also betrayed my wife with sexting others, and have even had emotional affairs. The shame, guilt, and feeling of letting down the one woman I love the most felt all consuming. But, sheâs also hurt and betrayed me.
Forgiveness is something that strengthens a marriage. But it takes time and a lot of trust.
Youâre still at the first step.
Get stable, then walk this with her and accept what she wants.
This is your addict brain talking. Stop.
The fact is, you donât know a damn thing about what will or will not happen. The addict brain is a master of escape - it is a master of avoiding personal accountability (avoiding responsibility is a central part of addiction) - and one way it does this is by mind-reading and time-travelling, like this: âSheâs gonna divorce me; the relationship is over; I might as well just go up to her and say I support her divorcing me; rip the band-aid off quickly.â
The effect of this is mental: finally, you are alone. Exactly the way your addiction wants you to be. Like an abusive spouse, your addiction wants to isolate you from all meaningful human contact. It wants you alone and totally subservient, so it can do what it likes, any time.
Stop trying to read her mind. Just stop.
The task before you is simple: find a sex addiction recovery meeting, attend it, share what is happening in your life, and then ask for a sponsor to help you get started. That is all.
The rest - all this speculation and attempts to invade other peopleâs thoughts and read their minds - is all your addiction trying to prevent you from getting sober, by manipulating your emotions and the emotions of other people.
I have been sober for 10 days at this point (granted 6 of those were in a psychiatric hospital)
I recently found a good podcast about porn addiction. The guy who hosts it is very calm.
One thibg he mentions that is helping me is to not over focus on our streaks. He says that we will fail, and that this is also part of the process. But that every day we manage to go without our addiction as a whole (rather than a streak) is a success.
The idea is so that we dont colapse if and when we have a bad day, but just continue on our path as soon as we can.
I cant include links but the podcast is called âUnhooked: Breaking Porn Addictionâ on Spotify. Dunno where else it might be.
10 days is a start
How would you say you feel about your thinking and clarity now? How confident do you feel about your decisions now and your commitments?
Any answer is ok, the point is to be searching and honest.
If âfailâ means maintain a relationship with lust - reserving space for sexual acting-out âjust in case it happensâ - then Iâd have to say I disagree. Sex and lust based addictions are as deadly as any other addiction. Itâs cold comfort to tell a family their family member would be alive today but âit was part of the processâ for that sexual acting-out to happen, and therefore âit was part of the processâ for that family member to die.
If âfailâ means âfail to keep my mind free of addictive thoughts when I am in recovery from addictionâ, then I guess failure is part of the addiction, but I donât think of it so negatively. I see that kind of âfailureâ as an opportunity to reach out to my companions in my recovery group, to receive empathy, to recommit to my sobriety, and to find my strength in community and commitment.
Welcome to Talking Sober 
I feel clear most of the time and ibfeel really committed to the work but its very scary
Thatâs a start. Keep your mind focused there: your personal recovery work, together with people who are experienced and successful in recovery from sex addiction. Thereâs a lot of learning ahead
It definitely doesnât mean to maintain a relationship with lust or reserving a space for a âonce in a whileâ mindset or anything like that. He advocates a clean path, which he claims to live. Heâs just saying that part of the journey for a lot of people isnât straight. Especially at the beginning. And not to throw away or discount the progress you have made if you relapse, but to get back on your path as soon as possible.
To clarify, the podcaster is primarily talking about pornography, though lust-free with a healthy, balanced relationship to sexuality is his ethos.
From the various people Ive checked out while trying to deal with my own issues, I do feel he is one of the cleaner, more centred people Ive come across on the subject.
I agree. I doubt his podcast would be called âUnhookedâ if he was talking about reserving a space for it 
A car accident caused by one of the drivers masturbating and/or watching porn is just as deadly as a car accident caused by drunk driving 