I love my boyfriend but I think I'm gay

Emotional Support
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How terrible…
I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore, I bring this up here because questioning always made me drink.

I fall in love with people based off of personality but I think my idea of love over the years has been very confused and for good reason.
The last few nights all I can do is cry thinking about how I’m not sexually attracted to my bf. I want to be with a woman.
I don’t want to break up. Is it possible to keep someone around if you’re not attracted to them? Can I fake it?
I’m so lost :sob: these past few weeks have been so hard for me. I have no idea who I am.

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Don’t fake, but don’t rush decisions.

Yes, you can stay in a loving relationship without sexual attracktion, if both are happy with that. At least, that’s my opinion.
But is that what you want ?

As suggested above, stay sober for a while before you make big decisions.
Sometimes, a while of sobriety helps understand your sexuality…

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It’s normal in early days to struggle with these kinds of questions. In our addictions we buried / silenced so many parts of ourselves that getting clean means we are sometimes shocked by what we find!

It’s a process. It’s a discovery. It’s learning.

There’s a good piece of wisdom: don’t make any big changes in your first year. Take some time to just appreciate where you are and take some walks, enjoy the sunshine, try to just be. Don’t worry so much about sex (of any sexuality), let your feelings flow through you, and just be aware of them, be mindful of them, and let them pass, like boats on a river. Focus on being healthy for yourself and learning about your full self, socially, personally, emotionally, etc. There’s a wonderful learning time here and it will surprise you.

There will be time to explore your relationships and the role of sex and attraction but this might be a bit early for that. :innocent:

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Another helpful tool - I find guided meditations help me when I’m trying to get perspective on new emotions and experiences in my life. Here’s one of my faves (there are many others on this site so feel free to browse around):

https://insighttimer.com/megjames/guided-meditations/slow-down-and-accept

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I don’t think that’s very fair to her partner in this instance though? Sure that’s dealing with what SHE needs but all the while he’s oblivious which hardly seems fair. Yes, it’s going to be a very emotionally fuelled conversation but to continue not to confront it is just going to make things worse.

Whatever happens it won’t be an excuse to return to your addiction. You should see it as making progress by confronting your fears and that is to be commended and not punished.

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It’s a loaded question and I’m sure your not the only one to ask if let alone ponder this.

I can understand loving someone and not feeling attracted to them, one of my best friends is female, and she’s attractive. And I love her immensely yet I have no sexual attraction to her and the feeling is mutual.

But you have to have a deep thought process with oneself. In early recovery we often ponder alot of things, our existence, our purpose, our meaningful relationships, I know I did, for some this could be career, family friendships relationships, and include sexuality,

As far as your lack of attraction to your mate, This could be many things, your own sobriety process clouding the idea of intimacy, the fact that the relationship has already cycled and your holding on to avoid letting go of some comfort. There’s already a lot going on in your head, and this is just one of those things you may be pondering

I’m gonna give you something that was given to me by an old marriage counselor, mind you that’s a misnomer because we weren’t married, but the money was the same

List why you love your boyfriend, aim for 10 things, this can be anything

List things that dissatisfy you about him, could be things he does, how he is towards you whatever you think might be a problem in your relationship

Lastly list the things that will happen if you dissolve the relationship, naturally sadness and a feeling of discontent are a given, but what will change? Would you feel better? Do you feel as if the relationship is hampering you?

Your feelings and attraction to a woman, is it out of lust and curiosity? Or is it a feeling of completeness and satisfaction to have a higher level bond?

All things you should think about. And then there’s the tough questions you need to ask yourself, I’m all about Love is love, you do you. But before making a life altering decision make sure it’s the real you

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@TMmarie

I went through this same thing several years before coming out. I met a girl at a comic book convention in Los Angeles, we hit it off and had great conversations, and I was in a lot of denial about being gay. We never got past kissing, I was barely into this as I learned I had no sexual attraction to her or any other female. A very difficult decision to say I could not continue this way and move on. I took a couple of years dating guys (I’ve pretty much known I was gay since 7) and fully came out. Each will react differently perhaps even going back and forth, being gender fluid. In short, follow your heart and do not worry about labeling yourself at this point. And it is ok, to just be you, with no label. Love yourself first!
Warmly,
Don

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Ultimately my belief is that we have like eight decades on this planet and there’s a good chance you’ve already burned through three of them so what do you want to do with your life?

When you ask yourself the question like “what do you want to do with your life?” or “what is My Heart’s Greatest desire?” does that seem like the type of question that should be answered within five minutes or something it needs to be meditated on and considered; sifting through personal dispositions and what we feel are our obligations? I’m personally thinking the latter.

Regardless of what the answer is I hope you don’t spend too much time feeling guilty or shamed because I don’t believe there is a good or bad here. I feel like in personal discovery as long as we are sincerely trying to 1) be honest (first to ourselves, then others) and 2) not use people, then there is no wrongdoing to be sorry for.

Take care, be patient and kind to yourself :slightly_smiling_face:

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This sounds very hard for you :frowning: I don’t necessarily have an answer for u. But I can share a few things that may help.
I myself am currently in marriage with a man. But there was a time in my life (quite a few years ago), due to my past and stuff that has happened, I sort of went in the other direction and started enjoying the company of women. I am attracted to both sexes but I do prefer men in general. If I hadn’t met my husband 7 years ago when I moved here, I don’t know if I would’ve attempted another relationship with a man bcuz of my past experiences with abuse and the sex trade. It used to be confusing for me. I have been intimate with woman. I also very much get attached to the personality of others too. So it’s very confusing lol
Anyway, it is a very confusing time being in early recovery. When i was going thru something similar years ago, i had to ask myself some questions… maybe these will help u… idk :slight_smile:
I hear u saying that u fall in love based on personality, but are not sexually attracted to him? Were u ever at one point attracted to him? If so, what has changed? What about his personality and his qualities, do you love about him? Are you willing to let those qualities and the connection that u have with him go for someone you are sexually attracted to?
Ultimately (and this is my opinion), but physical attraction to another person comes and goes. I was not always physically attracted to the person I was with (believe me using drugs can see the ugly side of people sometimes lol), but the personality of the person, the connection that I had, just made that person attractive to me, but in a different sense. The inner part of my partner balanced out the outer part. If that makes sense lol
Also, (again this may not apply), but when I have gotten clean at various times, I wasnt always sexually attracted to the person I was with at that time, like there is so much going on within us that I even lost my desire to be intimate. I was exhausted alot from recovery stuff, resentments were coming up towards my partner and crazy emotions were coming out and I didn’t know what was going on.
Honestly, it’s a tough spot to be in. I think it is important to have an open conversation with ur bf about how u feel, but maybe not go into too much detail as u wouldn’t want to necessarily hurt him and say, “I’m not sexually attracted to you”. But maybe something gentler like, “Theres alot going on for me right now and I am confused about where I’m at. I need to sort some things out in my mind and I need a little space” or “I just need some time to work on me”. Idk something like that. I feel like if u are flat out extremely forward to him when you’re still feeling confused, it may end up in a disaster If u come to realize that he is the one u want to be with. But either way I wouldn’t fake it or pretend like ur happy in a sense when ur not and still confused about the relationship. I just feel like he needs to know that ur going thru some confusion. How would u want to be spoken to and treated if it were him in this position? Maybe that would help to determine what to do for urself?
Just some thots :slight_smile:

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That is so hard! I wish I could give you as good of advice as everyone else did here. You may want to seek out counseling to help you understand how you are feeling and how your journey with sobriety impacts your feelings and thoughts. Your body and brain are going through a complete overhaul right now due to the absence of your DOC. I was told in therapy to be careful with making important choices unless they were harmful to my recovery.

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I understand this pretty well. From an early age I always liked women and never had any interest in men. I hadn’t touched a man until I was 18 - at which point I was forced into three years of sex trafficking as someone who was a lesbian for the entirety of my life. :upside_down_face: When I got out of that I was extremely confused and dated men for a bit until realizing that once I began working through the trauma a bit I never really liked them, I just became accustomed to them through the trauma. :skull: Now I have a daughter, which is awesome. :white_heart: But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I really don’t enjoy men.

Different situation, but same sort of uncomfortable realization. I always wondered why my relationships with men didn’t work out well… The reality was I just never was that into them. I also required a relationship that was open towards me connecting with women, and I had to be entirely drunk to even think about forcing myself to have sex with a man.

Sexuality can be pretty confusing especially when you have an opposite sex partner. I wish you luck. :crossed_fingers:t3::white_heart:

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If I’m investing into a relationship with someone who isn’t attracted to me then I would want to know.

If I’m investing into a relationship with some who was really not into guys. I would want to know. Long term relationships are an investment. If I’m investing into something that isn’t even real I’d rather face it early than later.

Your young and in early recovery. I think you owe it to him and yourself to be honest. Give yourself the freedom to figure it out without worrying about how he is going to feel because you will know how he feels.

Give yourself the freedom to figure this out.

The idea of faking it to be in a relationship with someone sounds like a miserable existence to me.

I faked not being an alcoholic in my last relationship. Trying to live a lie is hard.

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I have an abuse past as well with men. When I say I love him I mean that. It’s not all back and white and I want people to understand that too. I just can’t bring myself with sleep with him and it’s been 6 months since we’ve been together. I haven’t had sober sex. Like ever. I have never had sober sex with a man and I’m kinda scared I think. I e always liked girls
Idk… I’m just mad confused. Maybe therapy is needed

Thank u for sharing a bit of yourself, I hope you are finding happiness somehow through the pain

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Aw lovely, that’s not something you can fake. Don’t feel like you have to stay with someone out of comfort

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Im going through something very similar as you. If you want a safe space to chat, feel free to message me.