My name is Adam. I’m 31, just got married and had a baby this year. I’m in a rap-metal band called Dropout Kings that tours the world, has charted billboard multiple times, has had several record deals, has been considered for a Grammy nomination twice, accumulated millions of streams, and it all started with an idea that I almost didn’t follow through with. I’m an entrepreneur. I own a marketing agency called Push Digital Marketing. I’m a recent born-again believer in Jesus Christ. It’s actually crazy how supernatural god’s presence has been in my life. Especially, recently. My life is actually amazing, and I’m grateful for it. People would probably call it perfect from the outside, even.
However, something inside me just fiends for self-destruction and implosion. I’m addicted to cocaine, any adhd meds I can get my hands on, and alcohol. I’m constantly lying to my family, being deceptive and hiding things, spending way too much money on all this stuff that doesn’t serve me. I kept up a facade for a really long time that it wasn’t an issue, even though I was way less slick than I thought I was, in actuality.
Everyone really knew there was something off. I don’t know what it is inside me that never wants to be sober. Anything I can do to not be in my own mind sober, I’m gonna do it. That bothers me. I want to be better for me, my wife, and my newborn son. I just don’t know how.
But, I’m taking baby steps. I was sexually abused as a child and blocked it all out until I took a class in high school and a speaker came in and told us about symptoms of sexual abuse in adolescence and I realized I had just about every symptom. It unlocked a slew of regressed memories, and honestly that’s when I think things really went downhill. I’ve learned most victims of sexual abuse just want to feel numb. Nothing at all. I guess that’s how I feel.
I grew up poor, my parents were pretty young, but not super young. They’ve pretty much coasted through life settling for the bear minimum for the most part. We have a pretty good relationship, but I can never have a real conversation with them. They don’t really get me and they don’t really know ME or my problems. Regardless, growing up I only learned how to yell and argue and lie to get thru my problems. How to be financially irresponsible, to “man-up” and not talk about my problems, and basically how to skim thru life. That really drove me to be where I am today, Because I was going to make damn sure I didn’t end up like that. But unfortunately, it also came with being ingrained with those bad qualities still embedded in me at some level, and it’s deep-seeded.
My best friend committed suicide in 2014 and that really sent me off the deep-end. Currently, my brother is homeless addicted to fentanyl, meth, and seemingly, quite literally anything he can get his hands on. He’s never even met my son yet and that hurts because one day I know my son will ask if I had a brother, and I’ll have to say “I used to”
My brother has caused so many issues in my family that I don’t even want to tell them I’m dealing with my own demons. I have to be the pillar of hope and strength for them.
My life is pressure. Immense pressure. The fast-paced lifestyle of the music industry, being a business owner, working for major record labels making deadlines, marketing other people’s start-up companies, managing employees, touring 6 months out of the year, all while trying to be the best husband, father, friend, sibling, and family member I can be. But I love pressure and I love a challenge. It’s what makes me feel alive, I have to always be stimulated. But, it’s such a catch22 because look at how I cope with it.
That’s why I like stimulants. It helps me be productive. But obviously, it’s not sustainable and it’s super messed up that’s how I justify it. I’m convinced I have some sort of chemical imbalance or I actually do have adhd, or I’m bi-polar, my mood changes so much. It changed minute by minute sometimes, but that could literally be my usage. Who knows? Because I don’t. I’ve never been to a psychiatrist or s therapist, but I’m about to start both next week. I don’t want to do the 12 step program or AA or NA meetings because I literally just don’t have the time nor desire to do so I don’t think it’ll help me. From what I’ve seen it’s a lot of people substituting addictions for other addictions. That’s just my opinion. What I do think is that someone with professional knowledge like psychiatrists and therapists can give me the diagnosis mentally and/or meds if needed, and also the tools and resources to actually better myself.
I make great money, and although I do, my addictions and behaviors have greatly affected my bottom line. Which upsets me because I have a family and employees and clients and a team of music industry professionals and band-mates that truly depend on me to be in tip-top shape mentally and physically, and financial stability. I’ve been spending $125 a day minimum on cocaine alone, probably another $30 a day on alcohol for a year now. That’s $4600 a month. That’s $55k a year. Absolutely ridiculous. I hate myself for this. I’m disgusted with myself.
Anyway, enough about me. Sorry for the long post but this was actually really therapeutic to actually lay out to some strangers. Hopefully we become more acquainted. I want to learn about you guys. I want help from you guys. I want to do the same for you too.
Cheers, here’s to day 1 
I wish you well on your journey.