I’m definitely at one of my lowest points ever. I feel so alone. I don’t have anyone to go to and I get upset about it, but at the same time when I do have people, I don’t go to them. I never allow myself to get help, instead I push people away. This guy who would come over often, I got so attached to him and the physical touch, but I got scared and distanced myself. Now he’s practically switched between me and my best friend and he’s all touchy with her instead of me. We don’t even talk, I can’t look him in the eye without wanting to sob. My best friend was upset when he would be around me, and I saw how much happier she was with him when I had distanced myself, I ended up continuing to do so for her sake. Now I’m upset about the outcome, even though it’s my fault. Even though I self sabotaged myself, i’m still so upset about it. Part of the reason I distanced myself from the both of them was so they could be happy together. They deserve to be happy and i’m glad they are, it just hurts so much. It hurts seeing how I can be so easily replaced, it hurts knowing i’ll never be enough for people. I’ve always given my all to everyone I knew, I’ve always put everyone before me. I’ve always had to be everything for everyone. It’s always been my job to help people. I love helping, but it’s been so hard because i’ve also always felt so depressed. I noticed that if I don’t have someone to fixate on and distract me, I’ll be empty and sad. I never actually seem to get better or move on from people, I just distract myself and get a new person. Recently I’ve been so selfish, i’ve barely been helping people like I should, I’ve been pushing the people I love the most away from me. All I do is cry, I cry before school, after school, and even when trying not to I cry during school. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I can’t tell my best friend because I know she’s not okay either and I don’t want to put my dumb feelings onto her, she doesn’t deserve that. I can’t go to any of my other friends, there’s different reasons why but I don’t feel like explaining all of it. I want help but I don’t want help. I honestly think I don’t deserve it being the fact I do all of this to myself. Everything always ends up being my fault which is why I don’t really vent to people. Because I don’t have a good and valid reason to be upset. I just had spring break, a whole week off. All I did was sit alone in my room and cry all day every day. If I wasn’t crying, I was calling someone to distract myself or I was high. I have nothing to do with my life nor do I have the motivation to do anything in life. I’m scared for summer break, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I genuinely hate myself.
You sound a lot like my daughter. You should look into getting help, it’s worth a shot and you totally deserve to be happy. A therapist would be super helpful for you I believe. Try not to be so hard on yourself, I’m positive you have many wonderful qualities. Hugs to you.
Mia - I’m sorry you are feeling so down. I do agree with @Dan531 - you should really look into talking to a therapist. Hopefully you will find q good one who will help you (sometimes it takes a few to click)
Please do not feel this way! Self care is not being selfish. You are unable to care for others until you truly take care and love yourself.
You did great in coming to this site - the TS community is awesome and so helpful. We are here if you need to vent and just let it out. Please do take care of yourself. Do not worry so much about the summer break - work on yourself now and take it one day at a time
sending you love 
But I’m not even taking care of myself, I’m just always alone and crying.
I used to have help but my mom just stopped making appointments and I don’t have any money. Plus, I don’t really like talking about feelings or problems or anything like that. I don’t even know why i decided to make that whole thing and post it.
Im sorry to hear that. I realize you are not taking care of yourself now but this is necessary for you to being healing.
Exercise or engage in mild to moderate activity (such as housework) daily (help release endorphins). Create, and stick to, a sleep routine. Make time for play and laughter every day (even if its by yourself). Pay attention to small pleasures. These activities may help you start loving yourself more and living in a more positive way.
Im glad you were able to take time and come onto this forum and share. I can see its not an easy task for you. You may not want to talj about your feelings but it is very necessary for you to talk rhis out. If therapist is not an option at the moment, can call a depression hotline? They are free and available 24 hours.
Sending you hugs 
Hi Mia.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, your post breaks my heart.
There is a book that might help, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Hang in there, things will get better. Hugs to you!!
Thank you, I appreciate it 
Hey Mia,
First of all you’re not a loser. You might not feel that way right now but if you continue on this journey, there will come a point when you will want to change your profile name. After all, you’re the first to hear the words that come out of your mouth.
Second of all, be careful who you put your energy into. Not everyone deserves your help and certainly no one deserves your help before you can help yourself. Maybe take some time to divorce your concerns and self image from your best friend and this boy. Take up a book on codependency or look up Dr. Tracey Marks & HealthyGamerGG on YouTube.
Try to make a habit out of exercising and journaling. Anything to get your body moving and your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. If you can, talk to a therapist. It’s gonna be hard and it’s gonna feel lonely at times but start building your self esteem. You deserve to feel good about yourself!
Dont worry about other people thouhgts. I know it is eassy to say. But you are whorty and so in thouch with you fealings and thats a good thing but you need help to not feel in that way. I know its hard my fiance is the same way and it has been thogh.
But remember that some pepple love you. And some people want to help you but you gotta want the help. I hope you get the help and support you need. Take care love S
You wrote it because you were looking to get it off your chest and for help. Nobody likes to talk about things that are uncomfortable but that is how we make them better. I’m sorry you feel so down.
I hope reaching out and writing helped alleve a little pressure. I am sorry you are feeling so down, it never feels good when we are in that space.
I hope you will consider talking to your Mom again and restarting therapy. It sounds like having someone to share your feelings with is very necessary right now.
In the meantime, if you are in the US there are mental health listeners available at no cost at 988 call or text. I urge you to reach out there, as well as here. They may know of a group therapy near you that could offer you support.
You are human, you have feelings, sometimes conflicted feelings. That is normal. As is feeling really down sometimes. Keep reaching out in whatever capacity you can. And also consider journaling…it is a very solid way to get emotions out. 