Nope. You’re not going to the dark side of the moon.
You’re frustrated. You’re stuck in a pattern of use, regret, use, regret, use, regret. It’s the alcoholic pattern.
It can change, you can change, but you have to change something first. As the old expression goes, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Like you, I have Type 1 Diabetes (you shared about that here: Type 1 and a alcoholic). I’m not an alcoholic, but I know how diabetes can be a heavy thing to live with at times. It’s labour: it takes work. And an addiction - whether it’s alcohol or any other addiction - creates chaos in life, that makes diabetes basically impossible to manage. Blood sugars all over the place. Mood and mind all over the place (because of blood sugar chaos).
You are a business owner. (You shared about that in the same thread I linked above.) Business ownership has its own set of challenges, but it also has its own opportunities. But like diabetes - like anything really - the chaos of addiction is bad for business.
You are still stuck because you haven’t really decided to be sober. What you need to do is pretty simple: you need to choose sobriety, and you need it to be your top priority. Ask yourself, what would I do if sobriety - stability and health - was my top priority? My absolute top priority?
Would I go to inpatient rehab? Would I attend a recovery program (AA or any other recovery program - there are many) and go daily? Go multiple times a day if I have to? Would I check in daily here on Talking Sober and share about my experience, my day, and my feelings? Would I meditate / pray / etc etc something to develop my heart, my spirit? Would I stop trying to control everything in my life, and learn to ask for help, and just have faith in the process? (the process of learning, the process that there is a program that works if you work it, the process that I don’t know everything and I can’t control everything and I never will; the process that I need to take life one day at a time, with a learning attitude) (Edit to add another one: would I get a psychiatric assessment to see if I have depression or another mental condition, which are much more common in people with addiction, and then get an effective treatment for it?)
You got some good advice on your thread here:
You need to make a choice. Sobriety is yours if you want it. Choose it. If you make the choice and take action and stick with it, you’ll get there.