Welcome Wendy!! I’m SO glad you’re here! Man, your share hit home for me, I remember being in that place all too well.
I also struggled with calling myself an alcoholic as I didn’t believe I was. The blackouts, forgotten nights and the fact I could never have just one begged to differ with my own perceptions later on with sober eyes. Eventually, realizing I’m an alcoholic personally helped me get rid of my denial in thinking one day I could drink like a “normal” person because I personally can’t. I’m an alcholic. Not to say that you should at all label yourself or anything, this was just my own path and I feel called to share some of my story.
I too had a live in boyfriend that I drank with when I quit too. He HATED losing his drinking buddy and continued to try to pressure me to drink at various times for my entire first year. I really struggled at times, but connecting here with others in recovery really helped me to find my way out of the drinking lifesytle. When I got to the place of blacking out, deep down I really knew there was no going back or it’d kill me, just like it did my dad and my aunt.
He did change his drinking habits quite a bit when I quit, otherwise I was going to Al-Anon because I had NO idea how to handle his drinking when I was sober. It was all new territory for me and I knew there were others out there who could help me retain my sanity because I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it in a healthy way. I tried to control my dad’s drinking and even dumped out his booze as a kid…and that sure never worked out well for either of us.
After I was sober a while, I discovered life was a little better than it was but inside I hadn’t done the work to really let life change. When I reached a new point of being sick of my own bs, I joined AA and EVERYTHING changed! Life really got good when I surrendered, worked the program and steps with a sponsor. There was a reason I drank and continued to attract the same things in life still even without alcohol involved.
I fully understand wanting to keep life the same, but just keep an open mind to letting things change too. I don’t want to go to the bar or parties…being around intoxicated people really isn’t as fun anymore as I once remembered it being. I had to change everything to get and stay sober. For me, I had to do things I was uncomfortable with to really achieve not drinking. Especially in early sobriety. There was a saying I heard then, go to the barbers and you’ll end up with a haircut. I wanted things to stay the same but I had to be the change I needed for myself to get sober.
If you do decide you do need to go, I recommend keeping a drink in your hand all night. Water. Iced tea. Soda. Whatever. Be prepared for what you intend to say if someone asks why you’re not drinking or what you’ll do if they drink a drink in your hand. Have some sober contacts and a way out as soon as you want to go. For me, these things were priceless in the events I had to go to with drinking but honestly my “had” to go list was very small. Funerals. Memorial day bbq held at my home. Christmas with my family. That’s about it. I had to miss a lot at first to learn how to stand on my unsteady new sober legs. As time has progressed and I’ve done the work, AA has taught me how to handle events with alcohol but they are honestly pretty rare for me now. I protect my sobriety at all costs because if I don’t make it my priority, I will slip. And slip stands for just that. Sobriety Loses Its Priority. I know I have another drunk in me, I just don’t know that I could ever make it back out to recover again. It’s life or death stuff with this, it is a progressive and fatal addiction.
Phew, I’m not sure why all of that just came out but I hope this helps someone reading about my path.
Again, welcome and we are SO glad you’re here! Keep coming back and feel free to reach out any time! So many of us understand and have been exactly where you are. We’d love to help in any way we can. 