I’m working so hard at my recovery so I can recover. So I can be ok with myself . So I can learn how to live and deal with life … I’m working so hard to have my own place . A place I can call mine . For as long as I can remember I have to live places that are camouflage toxic . The drink obsession has been gone for a long time but now the struggle is leaning how to support myself . It feels like it will be forever till I can have my own space . I was invited back home and I knew it was a mistake but it was the better of 2 evils and it’s just another place I have to hide in my room because of the negativity or gaslighting I have been experiencing my whole life . I got sober and realized I was the normal one in my family . These games my family play … I don’t fully understand but I feel my mom and dad specially have unresolved issues and had a very toxic up bringing . I told my dad that I know how my moms actions really effected me as a child and she never wanted me to really be happy and she has always been threatened by that and mixing me up when My dad is gone… then Deny everything when he comes home … I blow up … they call me crazy and I’m left confused . To the outside world they are good normal productive people but I know it’s toxic . I’m working so hard because I want to have a place of my own where my thoughts and feelings are not mocked , or jokes , or my feelings are not real . Or I’m not listening… I heard that from my mom all my life now to realize that is a distraction technique she uses when I call her out on her mind games … I’m not sure if this makes sense but it’s Frustrating after all these years to feel right about everything but also still confused . I realize A lot of these behaviors my parents and other family members display are out of their control it has a lot to do with their upbringing but it’s still not an excuse. I’m working so hard to be somewhere truly positive and Beneficial for me. This whole game of beating me down making me feel bad and making me feel like how I feel is stupid but then the next day telling me you’re proud of me and I’m doing good. That’s confusing. I’m working so hard to get away from this and I ask God to help me stay strong . I don’t have tears left . I Thought that I was going to come home and things were going to be different but it’s like I’ve heard on here I have to go to therapy for the people who won’t . I know that I’m not alone but it’s scary to think that I have to walk away from my family completely soon. To save my own life and it’s not worth what it puts me through . Working so hard so I can have my space . In the mean time I try to not personalize Their actions… maybe from a distance it will be better and I can only do the phone occasionally? Maybe they didn’t think I would get clean and get better? I’m going to keep working on myself so I can be free . I’m just looking for a little relief. That comes with time I guess … Slowly but surely I feel it …
Thank you For allowing me to say this… I didn’t want to go to bed tonight without.
Wow. So much of what you have said resonates with me and my situation right now. I am in early sobriety but live in an extremely toxic environment, living with my mother. I depressed myself so bad Saturday to the point I had to just go back to bed. I have been looking for my own place to live with little success and only get discouraged by the ridiculous cost of independence again.
Some days I am better than others but I think we may both need an attitude adjustment? I heard this at church the other morning and it was true… I need to shift mind to gratitude. An attitude of gratitude. I haven’t been practicing it much these days but it is very powerful. If you can change one thought it can change your whole day.
I hope that helps. You’re definitely not alone. Childhood trauma sucks. But the awareness and understanding that it’s not our fault is definitely a weight lifted. Not sure if you do anything to nourish your mind body and soul but I am getting back in to my yoga practice this week. Don’t forget to fill your own cup and invest in yourself. Surrender and trust that God has control and you will get what you want, actually better than what you want, but it will be on His time.
I also downloaded the YouVersion Bible app if you’re looking to deepen your spirituality. I do a daily devotional plan based on whatever I need at the time.
Feel free to reach out if you need. Take good care
Hi Trevor, man, I just want to give you a big fat hug. I must have missed the post where you moved back in with your family, are you still in Florida?
Anyway, there’s so much recovery and growth in your message, I’m sure you don’t see it that way cos you’re under constant fire there, but it’s true. How good to return and to feel that you have changed, you can identify your own feelings and what the actions of others cause in you, this hot and cold, this confusion, making you feel like you’re not valid. This is all very painful. The silver lining I see is that you are now not questioning yourself as much, but with a sober mind you can tell what’s right for you and wrong for you, you can stand by yourself. That’s a big ass win in my book especially for a person having grown up in this kinda environment, where we are taught to not believe in ourselves, always shaky in our confidence and pining for love and kindness. Phew. I’m so glad you can see more clearly now. That’s a big step.
I sympathise with your pain a lot, I am at a similar point with my family, have been for a while. Sometimes it looks like we will make some progress and there will be some more understanding, other times I feel the absence of a real caring and competent parent from my life so keenly and grievingly. It’s hard. Recently I’ve been trying to get a dialogue going with my mother but am being rebuked again and again and it hurts. Like you, I don’t know how the future will be with my family. But I have learnt that odaat is a good way to look at this as well. I cannot predict what will be. But I can try and be true to myself and a kind person every day. We can still work towards things with people, according to their means. They might change. The relationship might change. It won’t be overnight and it won’t be just as we would like best, but good things happen in relationships too, when we work our recovery. It’s hard to live in this though. I wonder, is your goal to live by yourself at some point?
I wish you the best. You’re a good guy that is obvious and you’re working hard. Good things will happen to you and you’ve already come far, my friend.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing some of your story with me… that means a lot and it’s so good to be able to relate sometimes. And feel less alone. I’m sorry you are having similar issues . I do hear what your saying about The growth and progress . It’s similar to the insanity with the drink always going back thinking it’s going to be different. I just have to keep working on myself and I wasn’t going to post anything but then Quickly I’m realizing if I’m thinking about it and it’s bothering me I need to talk about it. And yes I’m still in Florida. I’m not exactly sure my plan is… But I’m just trying to keep pushing forward and hopefully I’ll be looking back on this with even more strength in a couple weeks.
Thank you for reaching out. Sometimes I do feel like the confidence is building. Slowly but surely. Also I want to say thank you for all of your cool photos that you post. Some of this stuff looks like it’s out of a movie! Seems like you have a pretty cool job that you really enjoy doing and you worked really hard to get to where you’re at. I admire that. I was also reading some of your post on the gratitude thread … I need to post on there more. I used to hate when people would tell me to be grateful when I’m struggling. But in the last few months I understand now
Thank you for reaching out … Times like this I do have to lean on gratitude I totally hear what you’re saying. And yes it is definitely a struggle these days living independently but if we keep working at it we’ll definitely get there. I’m sorry you’re going through similar struggles. All I can do is keep working on myself and reach out when something is on my mind. Thank you for sending me that thing about the app I will definitely check that out. I’m willing to Accept any kind of help. It doesn’t Matter where it comes from but if it has positive input in my life then I’m willing to listen… thank you so much … For sure… one day at a time
This I completely relate to. What I came to understand is that by daily saying what I am grateful for teaches me to step outside my misery and actually realize that there are things I am grateful for. Even the little things add up. The daily practice becomes more natural until your focus is less on the toxicity in your life and more on the blessings. The toxicity is still there but it’s power over you weakens because it’s not at the forefront of your thoughts.
I’m grateful you are making the progress to realize that your family may be toxic but you don’t have to be. I’m grateful you are taking steps to remove yourself from that environment.
Thanks. Photography has been good for my recovery. It started as a healthy time filler to occupy the time I spent drinking. As I remain sober my inner artist is blooming. I started shifting my life towards the direction to make a living doing what I love.
A self employed fisherman. Fishing gives me the opportunity to capture incredible nature on film. My YouTube channel is starting to make a little money. I just have to keep doing the next right thing.
The gratitude thread is awesome! Its contagious. When Im not feeling it, reading other peoples gratitude lists reminds me of all the reasons I have to be grateful.
