I binged again. It’s fresh now, tomorrow’s going to be hard, I know that. It’s almost like I forgot how terrible it can be, but I certainly remember now.
22 is the longest I’ve made it in months. I was doing really well, I think connecting with a community, particularly this one, is what gave me the strength to make it that far.
I almost feel like I’m not taking this seriously. Because it’s an addiction to food, I just equate it to treating one’s self. Because that’s what everyone around me does. They eat chocolate, chips, McDonald’s, donuts without a care. Over only a couple weeks I so easily forgot how those things destroy me. I have to remember that I’m not like these other people. It’s not good for me in any way to “indulge” like they do. I can’t control it like they do, I may never be able to and I want to accept that. I want to live that, I want to live in that humility and awareness. How do I remember that consistently when life refuses to be consistent? Resilience will never be certain, will it? How do you stay strong even when you’re comfortable and not drive yourself insane at the same time?
Even though I fell today, 22 is a victory I think. I just hope that victory wasn’t short lived. I can change. I can grow past this. Right?
Sorry for the sporadic writing, I write as I think, it’s how I get the greatest honesty out of myself. Please let me know if any of this sounds wrong or doesn’t make sense.
I am the same, over the holidays I “overate” with everyone else in the way regular people do, and then yesterday that triggered an actual binge when alone. Today is not looking great either. Much like with alcohol, I am feeling a bit tired of being “normal” requiring more effort.
That all depends on you! With every misstep, there is a lesson, we just need to be humble enough to listen. Before the act of binging, what happened that lead up to that point? Is there something you can do next time to prevent a repeat?
Most relapses begin some time before the act of using; using is just the final step in the relapse process. Learning from that is key to preventing future relapses.
I like the way you’ve put that, I’d never thought of the triggering circumstances as part of the relapse. And using is only one step. That really fits. Thinking about it like that, I think it had started days before. That’s really helped.
It can feel so unfair. I find myself getting jealous and I hate that. I find recognizing that “normal” doesn’t necessarily equal right or healthy help me justify the healthier diet and lifestyle, but then I worry that people around me are hurting themselves but being “normal”. And then I’m jealous of their ability to not care and still be happy. And the cycle continues I know humility is a decent counter to jealousy but why is it so easy to forget to be humble? I guess it just takes practice and patience, and perhaps a bit of distance from the “normal” that wants us all to have egos the size of mountains.
I think most of my binges come when I’ve just gotten sick of the cycle and want to turn off. I give up and go blank. Right, I remember now. I had decent success with getting better when I would find way to be blank without binging, like crafting or meditation. It does take a certain level of focus though to actually do those things, and not just be stewing while your doing them. Oh the busy mind is such a hand full.
I know humility is a decent counter to jealousy but why is it so easy to forget to be humble? I guess it just takes practice and patience, and perhaps a bit of distance from the “normal” that wants us all to have egos the size of mountains.