It’s funny how we get that way. We all do, at one time or another: I should be this, I should’ve been that, if only I were ___ I wouldn’t be ___. We’re all kinda dodging in and out and around our image of what’s (or who’s) “real” and what’s a “fraud”. Who’s “really” walking the walk, and who’s not.
We’re pretty hard on ourselves (and others).
I don’t have any easy answers. But I think it probably helps if we think of ourselves as always becoming something, sort of like a seed becomes a tree. Can you see the tree in the seed? In the seedling? The sapling? At what point can we say it “is” a tree?
I don’t know. But I know it’s growing & developing. I know it is always moving, living, pulsing with life, season to season. I bet sometimes the tree isn’t aware of all that’s going on in its growth process. But it is definitely happening.
You are the tree Jen. You are becoming. And you are rich with life, and vitality, and purpose, and potential. Your best years are still ahead of you: you will stand mighty and stable, above your surroundings, providing shade and space and fruit and peace to everyone.
You are a rich, beautiful soul. “Fraud” is not the word I’d use (though I understand why you felt that way). You are a living, breathing, learning, sharing organism, as influential and dependent on your environment, as it is on you. You are a magnificent being, with deep reservoirs of love and care and determination. Never forget that. Never, ever forget your inner nobility - which can never be taken from you, no matter what.
Sorry to hear about your lapse and that you’ve had such a rough go of it lately. I think the pandemic has kicked us all in the head to varying degrees.
I would like to say, firstly, shame on your ex for bringing the drugs into your home and for pressing you to join in. Now - ultimately it was your decision to actually do it, and you know that, but it sounds like he didn’t do you any favors. The last thing we need is some devil on our shoulder egging us on.
I am certainly glad that you are back, and I have all the confidence in the world that you’ll get back to where you need to be. Just need to think about what can be done better next time, and you’ll be ready when it comes.
Additionally, good for you for coming here and holding yourself accountable. It is the hard thing to do, but it is (to me) the right thing and the smart thing. None of this means a damn if we aren’t honest.
Yes, welcome back! Being here means ALOT! It’s another step saying I need the help. I am not in denial. And I want to get better, and all the above! You keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time, and keeping waking up everyday being thankful for the next. We all will get u through. We will work through this together like family.
Welcome back, unfortunate circumstances and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this, but everything happens for a reason. Our response is what matters. Forgive yourself, but never forget the lessons learned. Happiness isn’t as far off as you think. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Welcome back!
Yes, I’ve been contemplating lessons learnt these past few days. You’re right, there is definatly things in all this mess that have happened for a reason and to show me what I don’t want in my life and what things I need to change and guard myself from from now on.
I feel like I maybe became a little arrogant (naive??) at my somewhat easy transistion into sobriety. I was also demanding too much of myself for too long and I had been a martyr. Trying to do everything and be everything at once. My life needs to become smaller in a way, I have a lot of work to do on my mental and spiritual self and I was unable to achieve that living how I was (this is even before lock down) but i felt this enormous pressure to provide, be a good mother, be in shape/attractive, perfect house etc etc… I think this stems from my unwarranted shame of being a single mum.
I felt like, “ok I’m a single mum, (here where I live, it’s still quite backwards and frowned upon) but as long as I have EVERYTHING else perfect than that makes it ok” but I was unknowingly damaging myself piece by piece in the process.
Now I’ve had this time away from work, I don’t think I’m going to go back. It was a toxic environment, it was exhausting and we were made to feel like shit doing a job (brilliantly) that most other people would be unable and unwilling to do. There was a lot of bitching and gossip (from management down to us) and I also have driving anxiety, so even the drive there and back (motorway) would have me stressed for days leading up to it, every week. We never felt appreciated, there was always this sense of being “less than” but this was soul destroying as we really put our heart and soul into the job, only to have all our efforts overlooked and our “faults” highlighted… funny thing was, these faults were out of our control anyway, it was a managerial problem but we would be blamed for it! I stayed there for 48 hours each week for 3 years, my week would be me dropping my kid off, going to work for two days (48 hours) then rushing back to pick my kid up. We were allowed to sleep there but I never did, you always had to keep an ear out so I’d maybe get 3 hours (stressed) sleep each night, for two nights per week, I did that for 3 years! I’m a person who really needs sleep to feel sane so that was awful.
I think alot of the stress I’ve been under recent years has been work related and I never knew until now!
So yes, I’m thinking of leaving permanently, all I known is the idea of going back now fills me with dread.
Anyway, I have more to add to this but gonna take my girl to school then I’ll finish when I get back.
I think I should just look for a part time job closer to home (my current job is quite far away) , and one that I dont have to rely on ex for childcare for as that also used to cause stress. So I need a job that I can do in school hours, when she’s at school so I don’t have to feel any pressure from him and it would also mean I can keep him at a further distance, and he can just come and see her as and when rather than having this sense of “oh no, will he drop out of his responsibilities this week? What will I say to work? How will I earn a wage? Will I get sacked?” This was almost a weekly occurance/fear. He’s a very unreliable person so all this time, I’ve been dependent on an undependeble (is that even a word!? ) person! so there been a sense of unease, even if it was just subconscious. He’s quite manipulative too so the more I can stay away from him, whilst maintaining contact for dd, it’ll be so much better for me.
I’m quite smart (can I say that? ) so I could away study and train for an even better job, where I do it all on my own and dont have to depend on him and his family to help look after her.
So yes, I’ll be earning less but over all, I’ll be happier, more sane and in turn, be a good mother which is the most important thing in the world to me!
I’ll also be able to work on sober life more and not feel so stressed that I feel like drinking to ease that stress.
It’s funny but I was so upset about the possibility of losing this job, like I cried for two weeks straight at anything! (Probs the benzo withdrawal too ) but now, I feel relieved and feel like more doors are open to me now… I can’t believe I did all that for so long and what for!?
An unstable mind and a drinking problem!? Wtf…
Yeah I was still coming on quite a lot just to check out the meme thread
I wonder if it works by how much you respond to posts, like stuff etc?
Oh well I’m sure we’ll get back there soon.
Hope you’ve been keeping well matey!
Hiya its my first day here and yours is the first post I’ve read. I can really identify with why you made the choices you did it’s been a strange few months for everyone and when you chuck in the added pressures I think lots of us needed a little help to escape reality as it was. You seem very in tune with your thoughts and feelings so try not to let the guilt over whelm you or feel a failure. You have done fantastically so far so don’t let this detour put you back. Find new strength from it
but I was unknowingly damaging myself piece by piece in the process.
) person! so there been a sense of unease, even if it was just subconscious. He’s quite manipulative too so the more I can stay away from him, whilst maintaining contact for dd, it’ll be so much better for me.
) so I could away study and train for an even better job, where I do it all on my own and dont have to depend on him and his family to help look after her.
) but now, I feel relieved and feel like more doors are open to me now… I can’t believe I did all that for so long and what for!?
I’m coming on more than ever so don’t really understand it. Think you should be a regular if you come on every day which I do
