I messed up. But I want to start again

[Solanaceae]

I wanted to put this in the lounge section but i cant find it. If any of the MODs read this, could you put it in there for me? Thanks

Sorry this is going to be long but I need this to be my confession so I can start again with a clean slate.

I was doing well in my sobriety, I had almost 10 months and i actually found it pretty easy as I wasn’t a daily drinker/user so when I decided to stop I just did it and didn’t look back. Things were good, well sort of, sobriety gave me the clarity to see exactly where I was in life and the things I didn’t like and needed to fix/work on. I could see it was going to be a tough road but I was glad to be on that road because at least I was heading towards a happier destination.

Then covid happened.

Situation was; I’m a carer worker and a single parent, my daughter goes to her dad’s twice per week when I go to work. This has been our routine for the past 4 years and it’s worked quite well. Thing is, her dad lives with his mother who is in her 60s, very anxious lady and she has some health problems so she didn’t want our daughter in her house as she was going into full isolation.
Ok fine. Me and my daughter’s dad get on reasonably well and have done for the past few years, and at the time (this was in the beginning of march) we all only thought lock down would be for a few weeks, and as I need him to look after our daughter so I can go to work (he doesn’t provide for our daughter financially and I have no family of my own so I feel very responsible in that respect, that I need to work and keep my job to provide her the best life I can, walking out of my job didn’t feel like something I could do or that I wanted to do) it felt like a good idea for him to move into our home, for “a few weeks”. This was a mistake… deep breath

Little background;
My daughter’s dad is a heavy “functional” user, mostly benzos, painkillers and weed.
This has always been the case for him since he was 16, we became a couple when we were both early 20s. For me, it was more recreational and was for him in a way, but he smoked weed everyday and as he was very well “connected” to drug dealers (where as I wasn’t… ) he always had a supply of something or other. We were together for 7 years, had our daughter when we had been together 6 years (by which point I stepped away from drug use so I could be a good mother, his drug use increased and he became addicted to benzos) I broke it off when dd (I’m gonna use “dd” for daughter from now on as it’s easier…) was a baby, hard decision but it was breaking me, I had PND, and well, he wasnt the same person he moved in with his mum, I moved to the country side and have been on my own with her since, pretty much. My life is her and work. It’s hard. But I do what I need to do. His life hasn’t changed.

Anyway: back to March;
He moves in with us and brings all his benzos etc with him. At that point I had been drug free for years and drink free for 10 months (alcohol was my DOC before I got serious about being sober, weekend/night binge drinker) and you guessed it, it didn’t take me long to start dabbling too.
I made it a week, then the whole situation got on top of me, work; as I’m a care worker it has been really tough. Him living here; like I said we only thought it would be for a few weeks but as time went on it felt more permanent and it was suffocating; lock down; bored and had no where to go, I did my whole fucking garden and redecorated a room in the first two weeks just to keep busy! He kept offering me them and I’m not blaming him, that’s just what addicts do, he wanted me to join the party and I gave in.
Obviously we had our daughter so I was mega anxious about keping her happy/occupied too.
Then I also started my long awaited CBT at the end of April. The first month of that was brutal as I had to bring everything to the surface that id buried. The pain of that was mind blowing in its self. And then also the shame of the fact I was taking them (benzos) in the first place, the guilt etc so I took more to dull that as I just couldn’t see a way out! He was here and he couldn’t go anyway as he had nowhere to go, in the middle of a pandemic. So it was sort of like “when in Rome”, you know?
I wouldn’t take them everyday, I was still working and doing what I needed. Some days none, some days one, some days loads. But they were always there in my system and I didn’t realise the damage those little blue tablets would do.

I kicked him out eventually.
He was being mean to me and dd, he kept breaking things in my home.
When I was at work I’d be soooooo crazy anxious about our daughter as I knew he was alone but with no other responsible adult there to help (this is why he lives with his mum) and I didn’t wnat to be taking drug but it’s hard when they were getting pushed in my face and yes they helped me deal with things at the time.

One weekend I came back from work and he had “accidentally” kicked a hole in my door. We were arguing (tensions were getting high anyway and had been for a few weeks, hed been living with us for 3 months by this point) and he was awful so I put all his stuff in my car and drove him to his mums and left him outside. I felt I had no choice, I was breaking again just like how I felt after I had our dd.
I had to tell work I couldn’t come back for now (thankfully they were ok with it) and now I’ve been in lock down alone with dd for the past month whilst my brain is healing from the benzos. Let me tell you benzo withdrawal is no joke. It has been horrendous.
BUT I started drinking again it’s like I’m healing from all of that but I’m ruining my attempts by drinking.
I just wanted to stop feeling everything for a while. But it’s no good. I know there’s no easy way out so only sobriety will do.
I’m still having my CBT, I was given 20 sessions and have only completed 6 so still have a way to go.
I just want my old life back. To be where I was at the start of this year, clear and happy, yes I had issues but I was working through them. Life has stopped and I’ve been in such a bad place mentally, I need to pull myself out of this before I do something dangerous or irreparable.
I re-set my counter today.

Thank you for reading that if you managed.
I’m sorry it’s so long and I’m a little embarrassed by the sheer length of it but it was important for me that I got that out.

[Salty]

Thank you for your share. Not too long at all.
(Re: the lounge; you’re not currently a “regular” status anymore, I see you’re status is “member”, so that’s why you can’t find the lounge. Stick around, read, post, and you’ll be back to regular status in no time)
I’m so glad you’re back & fighting! Sounds like a challenging few months. Hugs

[Liz22]

It sounds like you have had a tough time but look at the positives. You see where you went wrong and are trying to fix things. Use this site for support and focus on the positives.you will make it one day at a time. A window will open.

[Solanaceae]

Ahhhh that’ll explain it then.

Yeah I’ll get back to where I was. There’s really no other way.
I feel like I’m half healing but half in shock that this has all happened. I’m sure others feel the same and life hasn’t been easy for most this year.
Everything just feels like such a mess.
I wake up feeling different each day, not a steady incline towards good, some days are hard, some days are easy and light then I’ll wake up feeling back to square one again. nothing is “settled” or calm anymore and I guess last week (I drank over the weekend) I was just sick of feeling the constant battle and needed to give in.

But no more. I don’t want THIS to be my life.
I can do and be more than this.

[Jamesyb]

Honestly dont beat yourself up about it to much! Everytime you fall is another opportunity to get back up, im a carer myself and understand greatly since the covid it feels like stress levels have gone from 0-10000 these few months, one bad decision does not define you, it moulds you into your better self, be strong

[Solanaceae]

Awww thank you

It has been hard hasn’t it!?
My job felt “easy” before all this. (Im an LD support worker) I’ve cared for the same residents for years and now it just stopped, they don’t understand. Everyone was/is so scared. Don’t get me started on the masks!! I got covid (they think, I didn’t get a test as this was back in march) so that was scary. And all the while I was just holding everything together whilst no one was looking after me (including myself!) . I think I burnt out actually. Yes the benzos didn’t help but I think I would have been like this anyway, in a way.
I should have just left the job at the beginning now i look back and all this wouldnt have happened
But oh well, this is where I am now so all I can do is learn and heal.

[Solanaceae]

Thank you

[Jamesyb]

100 percent, im in the mental health side myself an can honestly hear what your saying, trying to care for peoples mental health while struggling with our own is life irony! The amount of challenging behaviour that has risen towards support workers these past few months is terrible and i think because of that we forget the work life balance and forget about ourselfs and thats why we sometimes make these bad decisions! Just go easy on yourself your human!

[Matt]

Oh Jen that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for you love. I feel your desperation and worry and shame and grief.

You made a courageous move, taking action like you did. It was the right thing to do. You are finding a healthy way to be, at this unstable time. Your daughter will learn from you, that nothing, nothing, ever has to make her sacrifice her health, well-being, and safety.

You’re a good mother Jen. You’re a good person. You deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. You will have it love - you will have it. Keep walking your path love. You’ll get there

[Faugxh]

Hi @Solanaceae, reading your story the main sensation that lingers with me is a feeling of respect and acknowledgement for you for your decision to kick your ex out again and start over with such bold determination and doubtlessness. I usually feel shame and hurt pride reading relapse stories, as I know I’m not big enough to be able to forgive myself anything, so I never feel comfortable to give the advice to others to forgive themselves, but your story really just shows how strong you are. You will walk the walk again and be just as good as you were before your relapse in a few weeks or months, that just come out so clear. I really admire you for what you do for yourself and your daughter. You deserve the good things you work for and that’ll come your way again.

Stay strong!

[Just_Laura]

Hey girl, it’s good to see you! I feel every bit of that pain you’ve gone through. COVID affected me in the very same way. Being trapped with an addict/alcoholic. Wanting to just forget those months. I’ve tried over and over to find the motivation to stay sober in that time but just couldn’t do it. Got to 10 days once and ruined that. But we have to keep trying. You already know how good it feels on the other side. I know its frustrating to have to start at the beginning again but we can do it. I’m on day 9 after a massive fuck up on the 4th. You can do it again too Hope to see you around more!

[Solanaceae]

Thank you all you’re such amazing, kind hearted people.

Sorry to hear that @Just_Laura But we will do this again. We have to

I wish I’d just come here at the start but before I knew it it was happening and then I felt like a fraud. I was just trying to get through it and hoping it would end but it went on and on and on… so I had to make the decision that I did, kicking him out, again! But now I look back and wonder what it was all for, i should have done it in the beginning.
I’m not sure about how lock down has been in your countries but in the UK the government was giving it to us in 3 week segments () so at first we thought it would be 3 weeks, then they added an other 3 weeks, then another… and I was so worried about losing my job, financial security and letting my colleagues and boss down I felt like I didn’t want to give up. And obviously benzos take you away from reality so I just had tunnel vision and saw it as a means to an end without looking at the bigger picture and noticing what was happening to my mind and wellbeing.

I feel like the benzo withdrawal is coming to an end (it’s been 4 weeks, and I wasn’t taking many the last two weeks of him being here) so thankfully I’m in a better place than I was a month ago (that was the WORST!! ) but I could kick myself for drinking over the weekend and worse, around my daughter I don’t want her having memories of me like that. It wasnt crazy and I wasn’t falling about the place or anything like that but kids know when something is “off” with mum or dad don’t they?
BUT it’s done now. In a way, it was needed to give me a shock and for me to stop wallowing like I have been doing.

[Dolse71]

Your going to be OK lady, yes I read it all but it sounds to me like you know what you want and there is no reason why you can’t have it. Everyone’s path is different and like you I’ve found recovery very easy at times but each relapse seems to make it harder to stop each time but with that deep down belief that you want to change and one day will change then your life can only go in one direction. Your not weak your not different and your not so special that you can’t be affected by life so here we go again, nothing lost and nothing gained. This has all happened for a reason and one day you’ll look back and know what that was. For now though today is just another day, full of possibilities if we’re prepared to go through a little discomfort. So today I’m proud of you for being honest, proud of you for being open and proud of you for being here.
It’s the place to be apparently

[SassyRocks]

I would move it to the lounge for you, but I believe your status is member, not regular, so you would not see it.

[Tara1]

Each one of us I think has had this happen to us at one time or another. I know I have. Your only human. And you cant blame yourself for that! You can only know that each time you learn something new along the way and become stronger and more independent. You see things more wide eye about your addiction that you didnt see before. It’s like watching a movie for a second or third time and seeing things that you didnt see before when you watched it. It doesnt mean keep doing it, it just means be more aware this time around and go slower in the process of the observation. You will get there! We will all be here for you along the way!

[Girlinterrupted]

So glad your back here! You’ve been through a lot, yet still found your way back

[Solanaceae]

Hi @SassyRocks Yeah I got mixed up sorry. I was a regular before I drifted and didn’t know that stopped when you leave for a while so I was looking for the lounge and got all confused
Makes sense though, you stop being “regular” so get the regular status taken off. Of course!

[Solanaceae]

That makes a lot of sense thank you

[anon79808082]

It’s really nice to see you back, lady. We love you just the same!

[SassyRocks]

It happened to me before as well, so I understand. No worries!! Glad you are back.