This is gonna be heavy. Mentions of overdose, abuse, drugs, self harm.
I thought I was getting over it. I thought it was getting easier. But no it still hurts so much. I lost my gf to an overdose back in July 2016. I was with her when she passed.
I had another nightmare about it last night. I remember her last words to me. We were falling asleep after using together, I told her I loved her and she replied “love you too babe”. I woke up the next morning and she was cold. I tried so fucking hard to help her and I couldn’t.
Overall she wasn’t good for me. Many of my friends were glad to hear she was no longer in my life, and can’t understand why I’m still sad. Jess (my gf) wasn’t a good person. She was my dealer, she got me addicted to heroin and she was abusive. I remember a few times she had a gun pointed at me. She hit me sometimes. Yelled lots. I’m safe and sober now that she’s gone. So why do I still miss her?
I feel like I let her die. I know I tried but I wish I did more. I want to get better but part of me feels like I deserve to suffer for letting her pass. I deserve the nightmares and the guilt and the flashbacks. It’s kinda why I haven’t stopped self harming yet, I think I deserve the pain.
I have a therapy session tomorrow and I’m bringing this up with my therapist then. I just need to vent and get all these awful feelings out there somewhere.
I know there’s not a magic work that can solve this terrible trauma. But I want you to know that it is not your fault. You were asleep. There’s no way you could’ve known. And thinking about ifs doesn’t help. The past can’t be changed. And that sucks. But it’s not your fault.
Good you come here and vent
I send you strenght and hugs. Sounds that there is still a lot of mourning, grief and trauma, maybe also some relief, gratitude and happiness. All feelings are valid. Thoughts about whatifs and guilt keep you stuck in the past. It is ok to release the past, it can’t be changed. What helps me is working on gratitude for particular aspects that bother me from time to time. It can change perspectives and helps me to value my feelings.
Take it one day at a time
You didn’t let her die. It was an accidental overdose. It can happen anytime to anyone. That’s why drugs are bad. I’m grateful you are sober. Yes you have lots of reasons to have nightmares and to have this haunt you but not because of anything that you did wrong. It was an accidental overdose.
Talking about it is good. Not using Is good. For your own self be as healthy as you can be.
Go on in your life as you can.
Edit to add. You don’t “deserve the pain”. There can be a good life out there for you without pain which will help you deal with the pain you have better.
Big hugs. What a terrible thing to experience. But it was out of your control, it was not your fault. Let it go. Easier said than done, I know.
It is absolutely ok to be sad about someone who was not good for you. You still need to grieve. You don’t “deserve” pain, you did nothing wrong, and it won’t bring her back, or change what ur relationship was.
I am glad u are getting therapy. You need someone professional to help you. But continue to share here if u want extra ears.
