TW. Mention of suicide
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I was having a week, not going to lie it was one of the worst and I hadn’t had one in awhile like months. I would have bad days but it would only be like 1 bad day or 2 in a week, in this case I had 1 bad week and this week was worst. I couldn’t do anything right, not work, people skills were zero at best been dealing with body dysmorphia and was feeling dysphoric as fuck and I had to deal with several mental breakdowns and I had to fake being a fun bubbly person to people that hate the LGBTQ+ (I live in a country that is illegal to be queer) I had a lot to deal with and process.
In context I have attempted twice to die I was unsuccessful and no one knew because I woke up from the over dose after that I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to hurt the people I loved, I’m still hurting from my soulmate’s suicide I didn’t want to do that to my loved ones, that’s if people bother.
On the 27th I reached a level of fuck it I didn’t care about anything, after work I was waiting to cross the road when without thinking I walked in traffic at the last second I coward out, I had a bad mental in my car.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, I’m sharing more that what I would share with anyone but I don’t know what to do or where to go.
I feel useless, stupid for nearly killing myself and a coward for not having the guts to go forward with it. I have so many feelings and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what I want.
I just feel like I was to get this off my chest and vent it out or maybe just saying it out loud would make me think that I did was good or something like that.
I am so sorry that ur going thru so much 
Mentally this all sounds very exhausting. I don’t think ur stupid and I don’t think that ur a coward for not going thru with it. I am concerned obviously for u. U say ur a coward as u didn’t go thru with ur attempt but I think deep downside u know that suicide isn’t the way to go. Something was watching over u and just caused that quick reflex to pull u away from the car. U have alot to offer and there is only one YOU in this world. You’re unique and matter this world (even tho u may not feel like it). Things do pass. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but things are constantly changing. I’m grateful ur here. I wonder would u be willing to seek some professional help? I feel like these were very close calls and I wonder if there are places in ur area that can be a support, a rehab, mental health institute that can provide some assistance. I’m not judging or anything and I don’t want to make u feel bad by suggesting these, but I feel like ur situation is quite serious and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I have needed it for my mental health as well as for addictions and for other issues in my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without that support. Truly wishing u some peace and serenity today. I am glad u posted. Please keep posting hugs
I am so glad you are here to write this 
I don’t know your struggles and can’t relate to your situation, although I have known what it feels like to not want to be here any more.
A thought I often found comfort in is that things always change, and there is no way we can ever know how things will pan out. Things could be awesome one day and the only way to find out is to stick around and see what happens.
Many years ago, I did the same. I succeeded in a way, and was gone for several minutes. I’m here now because it was not my time. I’m not religious, and all I will say is that I knew there was more I had to do here. So you must have more to do here too.
I spent a day at the hospital before being released just to make sure I didn’t damage anything and I met a wonderful nurse there who told this, that i will tell you…
“I don’t know you, I don’t know what you’ve been through to think this was the way… but I will tell you right now, you better to stop. I care about you, so remember you are loved, you are cared for.”
Life is hard, but we are here for you.
I know you mean well and I am not offended at all. I am seeking professional help and I am medicated but I sometimes have my days but lately I’ve been having bad weeks and it has taken a toll on me mentally obviously and physically.
I try so hard but I keep failing all the time, it just feels like it’s my time to end it and let the rest deal with whatever they are going through, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
I understand what you are trying to say but sometimes it just seems really hard to move forward, self-doubt and self sabotage is consuming my life right now the past 2 weeks have been hell for me and I don’t know why and what triggered it and then the self-harm and suicidal thoughts just started eating up my brain. It’s just tiring and ending it seems like a relief from all that.
I am glad you are here because you are needed and loved and cared for here in this world.
I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I’m not folowing it myself.
A lot is going against me my my mental health, my physical health and my emotions are all over.
I feel like an outcast in a place where I can never be who I am, people HATE people like me (Queer), I have to be there for my friends because they have no one to go too, I don’t open up to them because I don’t want to out myself and put myself in danger and I can’t stand up for my community because of the same reason.
I don’t deserve anything and that’s why I wanted it all to end, I can’t handle my Bipolar episodes and because of my BDP I don’t have friends to go too, my anxiety and depression are through the roof along with my body dysmorphia and feeling dysphoric every day.
Sorry for the rant I just have too much going on and I just feel like ending everything is the best way.
Of course it is. So hard. And believing in the idea that there might be something positive to hope for when all that consumes you is dark… Yea.
You don’t have to move forward. Just get through it for now. I bet you’ve got loads of tricks and tools you can use to just come back to the present moment. What’s your go to?
I usually stay with people or stay surrounded with people, it allows be to be distracted.
I sometimes love colour.
Do you do any arty stuff?
I used too.
I do abstract art and sfx makeup.
I have lost interest in doing anything which sucks.
Sorry for the late reply!
SFX makeup is SO COOL. I see videos on Facebook sometimes. What kind of stuff did you do, like horror movie stuff or art using face as a canvas, if that makes sense!
Don’t feel bad about losing interest (I know, easier said than done!). It’s always there if you ever feel like going back to it.
How are things going today?
Horror movie stuff all gory.
Also it’s okay about the reply.
Today was alright I was distracted by work, tomorrow is my last working day the I go on leave for a week, I’m going to see if taking a leave will help in decreasing my stress even though work has been the reason I have been distracted most of the day.
I don’t know if this leave is going to be good for me or not
Maybe it will be good in some ways and not so much in others! I can see why being distracted could be a good thing.
Have you got any plans for your week off? Hope you can find some things to do that can help you find some reminders of the good things in the world.
It is Eid (a 3 day celebration in Islam) so I’ll see if my anxiety will let me hangout with people.
My friend wants to hangout and go out to the movies so I’ll see if I can make that happen.
I might stay at home and binge watch Tv shows I need to catch up on.
I don’t know what to do yet.
But it’s been ten days since my incident and I so far don’t have any suicidal thoughts.
How is your time off going? Hope you manage to enjoy some time with friends! Did you watch that film? What shows are you watching?
It’s been well, been hanging out with my nan. I haven’t had time to watch anything, i wanted to finish the marvel and star war series and watch the boys as well but no time whatsoever I just get so tired that I managed to pass out.
Going out with friends stresses me out I don’t know why, going out with my nan is a lot easier.