This sounds good. I hope this will be helpful for you.
As you know, the people at the site are here for you, to be supportive and help you each step of the way.
You are cared for and your situation is taken seriously.
I hope you will hear from the sponsor and that she will come through in a helpful way.
I’m glad you’re going to listen to the tapes and have a plan for getting online.
So glad that you have posted and are ready for a change.
I would always make excuses not to post here, because I knew I would fail. I’m pushing hard for myself and it feels truly like I am ripping into my own skin. Nothing in me wants to get better, lost all hope in it. But at the same time I need a plan moving forward and getting out of the house always helped me in the past 
Recovery is trial and error.
You had an error and are stepping up again.
You tried and are falling backwards, but falling is different as failing. Sometimes you have to try a couple of times until it works 
Yes, you do! That’s why you asked for help here 
I think your addiction doesn’t want you to be better…but you do!
“I knew I would fail” - yes. But that’s ok. We live with addiction, and that means we fail to have a normal relationship with drugs and some behaviours. We cannot have them at all, because one is too many, and a thousand is never enough. That is a failure in the sense that we have failed to have any normal relationship with these things. But it’s ok. We can learn to live free of them.
“Nothing in me wants to get better” - are you sure? Because you’re here. You messaged your sponsor. You’re not firing on all cylinders yet but you also haven’t stopped trying.
I think you do actually want to get better but you’re feeling ashamed and discouraged. Your addiction has you feeling powerless. Believe it or not, that is exactly where recovery starts (it’s step 1). You are powerless over the drug, and it is making your life unmanageable. That is where you start. I promise it gets better from here if you keep at it.
Hi @Princessbabygirl I’m so glad you came back on here . Try and remember the strength you had when you were happy in your recovery read through your old posts . Cannabis is a bastard when you let it back in and having a partner that’s disconnected from you because of his usage just makes your journey to get clean more difficult .keep posting and get out for a walk when he’s using .your worth your recovery Bella and your life can be beautiful 
My addiction has had a tight grip on me since I slipped. But I have now been to 3 meetings and have another one this afternoon. If I keep talking and listening I can hopefully scream the demons away. Every time I come home is a trigger, I don’t feel like I can relax without it. It’s a sunny day and it only takes one second to call and ruin my week. I’m trying and trying to stay busy but my skin is crawling and my addiction is screaming to stay in control
“ one is too many, and a thousand is never enough “
I’ve heard this before but when I sit with this thought I can truly feel how true this is. I feel that my addiction just won’t let me go. My life is unmanageable but I feel like I am too weak. But I really am trying. Posting here helped me to light that fire inside me to keep going. Helped me to see that there is still part of me that has that control and wants to get better. Thank you
I can see looking back that I was so happy and I am so proud of her but I don’t feel like her anymore. I know that’s just my addiction taking hold. The plan for today is to clean the house, go to an appointment, walk the dog and cook a home cooked meal (I’m thinking pasta). It’s a beautiful day so all I truly want is to sit in the sun and relax but I know I need to keep in moving
Absolutely.
Just get your ass to a meeting. Virtual or in person, doesn’t matter. There’s meetings basically 24/7 with all the online meetings. No one is gonna reject you at a meeting.
Share what you’re struggling with. Just open up and share. Listen to other people share. You will see (again) that you are definitely not alone. All of us are powerless to our addiction. We are not helpless - there are things we can do to recover - but we are powerless: we have no power to moderate or control. It just can’t be in our life, at all; we cannot consume anything related to our addiction.
Weirdly, it is actually this act of acknowledging your powerlessness that is the first step in finding recovery. It frees you from the craziness of trying to hold on to this racing machine that is addiction, and it lets you let it go. I can’t control this crazy addiction machine. I choose to let it go. I am powerless over it, and I am going to stop trying to keep it in my life. Then - gradually - you watch it drive away. (It tries to circle back but instead of grabbing on, you talk to recovery people and you work your program.)
You are a beautiful person, and something just has a tight hold on you right now. One step, one day at a time…I know it has been said a million times before, but oh how true it is.
I think we can all understand the feeling of not trying becayse we “know” we will fail, and that feeling can be deafening. I think we all know what it feels like to be without hope, and here we have all found it. Today I have hope for myself, and I have hope for you too…so does everyone in that thread, let us all give you the hope we see for you till you start to feel it for yourself. The beginning is tough as shit, but you can do it. Xo.
Not sure what the rules are here im very new. But if u ever need someone to talk to that 1000000% understands u can message me anytime
Bless you you’ll get her back just keep on connecting with others it’s good for the soul . Sounds like a good day you’ve got planned . Pasta sounds great:ok_hand: I live on it sometimes 
why not join our foodie thread ? we need more peeps and the gratitude thread it keeps me humble and appreciative of all I have .sending love and hugs 
ps when you feel serenity relax in the sun when you feel frustrated and your addiction s trying to mess with your head tell it to fuck off and keep moving
Oh gosh… honestly, terrible. A whole lot of pushing feelings down and using my addiction to help, and in turn hurt, my mental health. I’ve been overwhelmed with work and my bipolar has taken a great hit making me depressed which feeds into it. I don’t want to feel yucky, my work makes me exhausted and then I think I deserve a “break” and I’m not living my life. My dream version of me doesn’t need to get high to function/be happy. It’s the only part of the day I look forward to, coming home and getting high. I don’t want this. I want to pull myself out, I just don’t know where I really start. I feel exhausted and getting clean feels impossible when I’m using it to get things done. My meds aren’t doing things right, and I need to get myself together. I’m not even high functioning anymore I am simply functioning.
There’s lots of support here for you. You also have to in the end do it for yourself. You are not alone here, the support is here.
Going to online or in person meetings would also be helpful.
If you are a reader, there are lots of books to read.
If you want a list of books to read, I will post a link with Books.
Here’s a link for you that could be helpful
Most of the people on this site felt like you do or similar at the beginning.
You can get out and be content. Keep that thought at the front of your mind.
Hey Bella, you don’t have to get high if you don’t want to. The difficult thing is getting rid of the want and it’s fucking hard in the beginning.
I had to dig in deep with rehab, trauma and grief counseling and AA/NA to get support and a new way of thinking. A new way to view and live life is what I was given.
You deserve to be happy & healthy again! Please do whatever it takes.
Hi Bella I used to leave work and feel the same way your not alone feeling that . Try and think of solutions
1 can you cut down your hours so your not exhausted
2 can you take a leave of absence while you focus on your recovery
3 do you like your job if not start looking for others when you get home instead of getting stoned . You need to keep a positive state of mind over your recovery 
Took over me again 
I get high and think about wanting to hurt myself. What a horrible disease that makes you need to do something to cause pain. I want so badly to feel free but team, I’m at the bottom here. It has such a tight grip and I don’t want to let it go, even my partner is seeing it as a problem now. I want to cry and hide away. I picked at my skin for hours high and now I look like a druggy too. My local meeting has canceled their one Thursday night and that was the closest away only one hour. I want to be able to do the things I want and actually feel happy sober. I feel a long long way away from that. I’m not sure why I’m posting, I don’t know what I’m looking for I’m just hurting
I’m sorry it’s tough for you right now. Maybe an online meeting is an option right now? I do not know where you from but I know you can find some here:
Bella, I do hope you feel better soon. The shit is a beast along with the cyclic thoughts-use-do-find-again-repeat and the BS our brain keeps heaping on throughout. Inpatient may be what is required at this point. Going somewhere different doesn’t change shit. Were still right there with our disease. Again gal, whatever it takes or we are destined to die early with our wreckage being our most recent memories. Big hugs to you.