I’ve been off the edge. I know saying I need help is silly because I can only help myself but I feel hopeless. I have been letting it control my life again and it’s even impacting on my finances. And my mental health. I need to go to another NA meeting but I have been feeling like I can’t take care of myself at all. On weekends I don’t get out of the bed until the afternoon because I can’t see the point in anything. I don’t want to feel so controlled and at the same time I’m hopeless. That’s step one right? It has been months since I’ve contacted my sponsor. I feel stupid like I know I’m just going to relapse again because I don’t have control over it. I’m weak and lost. I’ve been in pure denial which is why I stopped posting. My partner still uses and doesn’t see himself stopping. Because when he gets home he just wants to sit outside and get high and unless I go with him, we don’t get time together and it also broke us up. I need someone to slap me and scream in my face and hold me back from myself. It’s never enough, my friend said to me the other day that we can’t smoke that much because you can only get so high. I laughed because we would just smoke and smoke and smoke no matter just for the vibes of us talking. I’m so trapped
I’m glad that you posted that is a good step in a good direction.
Do you feel like you are safe right now?
Safe from hurting yourself?
There is help for you and you can get better. It’s one step at a time as you know.
Contacting your sponsor could be very helpful for you. You need somebody on your side.
A few months ago, you were talking about listening to NA tapes on YouTube and that it was amazing. Do you think that would be helpful for you right now?
Big hugs.
When you’re here you’re not alone Bella. We’re in this together. Same for going to a meeting. Having a partner that also uses, and you use together, complicates stuff but first of all you have to quit yourself. By not trying to do it alone. By asking for help. Which you are doing here and that’s step one. It’s good you’re here. Together we can do this. Hugs.
This link was posted on one of your posts a few months ago. I’m taking the link from there.
@Its_me_Stella posted it.
24/7 N.A. online.
Like the others already mentioned: glad you’re here! It’s a step!
And like you said in others words yourself: you have to get yourself moving.
Yes you are the one to solve this, but you don’t have to do it all alone. Find help at home, contact your sponsor for example. That’s another step.
Find more steps to add during the way by talking to your sponsor and maybe going to meetings.
Doing things also will feel better, you will feel less trapped.
And we are here to support you Bella!
You can get out of this!
I feel safe just frustrated and lost. I messaged my sponsor but I hope she laughs. I’m going to find a good speaker tape and cuddle up with my teddy. When people leave my house I will join try to join a virtual meeting. Thank you for caring so 
Thank you for your support, having people root for you is nice 
I don’t feel so alone right now
This sounds good. I hope this will be helpful for you.
As you know, the people at the site are here for you, to be supportive and help you each step of the way.
You are cared for and your situation is taken seriously.
I hope you will hear from the sponsor and that she will come through in a helpful way.
I’m glad you’re going to listen to the tapes and have a plan for getting online.
So glad that you have posted and are ready for a change.
I would always make excuses not to post here, because I knew I would fail. I’m pushing hard for myself and it feels truly like I am ripping into my own skin. Nothing in me wants to get better, lost all hope in it. But at the same time I need a plan moving forward and getting out of the house always helped me in the past 
Recovery is trial and error.
You had an error and are stepping up again.
You tried and are falling backwards, but falling is different as failing. Sometimes you have to try a couple of times until it works 
Yes, you do! That’s why you asked for help here 
I think your addiction doesn’t want you to be better…but you do!
“I knew I would fail” - yes. But that’s ok. We live with addiction, and that means we fail to have a normal relationship with drugs and some behaviours. We cannot have them at all, because one is too many, and a thousand is never enough. That is a failure in the sense that we have failed to have any normal relationship with these things. But it’s ok. We can learn to live free of them.
“Nothing in me wants to get better” - are you sure? Because you’re here. You messaged your sponsor. You’re not firing on all cylinders yet but you also haven’t stopped trying.
I think you do actually want to get better but you’re feeling ashamed and discouraged. Your addiction has you feeling powerless. Believe it or not, that is exactly where recovery starts (it’s step 1). You are powerless over the drug, and it is making your life unmanageable. That is where you start. I promise it gets better from here if you keep at it.
Hi @Princessbabygirl I’m so glad you came back on here . Try and remember the strength you had when you were happy in your recovery read through your old posts . Cannabis is a bastard when you let it back in and having a partner that’s disconnected from you because of his usage just makes your journey to get clean more difficult .keep posting and get out for a walk when he’s using .your worth your recovery Bella and your life can be beautiful 
My addiction has had a tight grip on me since I slipped. But I have now been to 3 meetings and have another one this afternoon. If I keep talking and listening I can hopefully scream the demons away. Every time I come home is a trigger, I don’t feel like I can relax without it. It’s a sunny day and it only takes one second to call and ruin my week. I’m trying and trying to stay busy but my skin is crawling and my addiction is screaming to stay in control
“ one is too many, and a thousand is never enough “
I’ve heard this before but when I sit with this thought I can truly feel how true this is. I feel that my addiction just won’t let me go. My life is unmanageable but I feel like I am too weak. But I really am trying. Posting here helped me to light that fire inside me to keep going. Helped me to see that there is still part of me that has that control and wants to get better. Thank you
I can see looking back that I was so happy and I am so proud of her but I don’t feel like her anymore. I know that’s just my addiction taking hold. The plan for today is to clean the house, go to an appointment, walk the dog and cook a home cooked meal (I’m thinking pasta). It’s a beautiful day so all I truly want is to sit in the sun and relax but I know I need to keep in moving
Absolutely.
Just get your ass to a meeting. Virtual or in person, doesn’t matter. There’s meetings basically 24/7 with all the online meetings. No one is gonna reject you at a meeting.
Share what you’re struggling with. Just open up and share. Listen to other people share. You will see (again) that you are definitely not alone. All of us are powerless to our addiction. We are not helpless - there are things we can do to recover - but we are powerless: we have no power to moderate or control. It just can’t be in our life, at all; we cannot consume anything related to our addiction.
Weirdly, it is actually this act of acknowledging your powerlessness that is the first step in finding recovery. It frees you from the craziness of trying to hold on to this racing machine that is addiction, and it lets you let it go. I can’t control this crazy addiction machine. I choose to let it go. I am powerless over it, and I am going to stop trying to keep it in my life. Then - gradually - you watch it drive away. (It tries to circle back but instead of grabbing on, you talk to recovery people and you work your program.)
You are a beautiful person, and something just has a tight hold on you right now. One step, one day at a time…I know it has been said a million times before, but oh how true it is.
I think we can all understand the feeling of not trying becayse we “know” we will fail, and that feeling can be deafening. I think we all know what it feels like to be without hope, and here we have all found it. Today I have hope for myself, and I have hope for you too…so does everyone in that thread, let us all give you the hope we see for you till you start to feel it for yourself. The beginning is tough as shit, but you can do it. Xo.
Not sure what the rules are here im very new. But if u ever need someone to talk to that 1000000% understands u can message me anytime
Bless you you’ll get her back just keep on connecting with others it’s good for the soul . Sounds like a good day you’ve got planned . Pasta sounds great:ok_hand: I live on it sometimes 
why not join our foodie thread ? we need more peeps and the gratitude thread it keeps me humble and appreciative of all I have .sending love and hugs 
ps when you feel serenity relax in the sun when you feel frustrated and your addiction s trying to mess with your head tell it to fuck off and keep moving