How are you doing @Princessbabygirl
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Oh gosh… honestly, terrible. A whole lot of pushing feelings down and using my addiction to help, and in turn hurt, my mental health. I’ve been overwhelmed with work and my bipolar has taken a great hit making me depressed which feeds into it. I don’t want to feel yucky, my work makes me exhausted and then I think I deserve a “break” and I’m not living my life. My dream version of me doesn’t need to get high to function/be happy. It’s the only part of the day I look forward to, coming home and getting high. I don’t want this. I want to pull myself out, I just don’t know where I really start. I feel exhausted and getting clean feels impossible when I’m using it to get things done. My meds aren’t doing things right, and I need to get myself together. I’m not even high functioning anymore I am simply functioning.
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There’s lots of support here for you. You also have to in the end do it for yourself. You are not alone here, the support is here.
Going to online or in person meetings would also be helpful.
If you are a reader, there are lots of books to read.
If you want a list of books to read, I will post a link with Books.
Here’s a link for you that could be helpful
Most of the people on this site felt like you do or similar at the beginning.
You can get out and be content. Keep that thought at the front of your mind.
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Hey Bella, you don’t have to get high if you don’t want to. The difficult thing is getting rid of the want and it’s fucking hard in the beginning.
I had to dig in deep with rehab, trauma and grief counseling and AA/NA to get support and a new way of thinking. A new way to view and live life is what I was given.
You deserve to be happy & healthy again! Please do whatever it takes.
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Hi Bella I used to leave work and feel the same way your not alone feeling that . Try and think of solutions
1 can you cut down your hours so your not exhausted
2 can you take a leave of absence while you focus on your recovery
3 do you like your job if not start looking for others when you get home instead of getting stoned . You need to keep a positive state of mind over your recovery 
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Took over me again 
I get high and think about wanting to hurt myself. What a horrible disease that makes you need to do something to cause pain. I want so badly to feel free but team, I’m at the bottom here. It has such a tight grip and I don’t want to let it go, even my partner is seeing it as a problem now. I want to cry and hide away. I picked at my skin for hours high and now I look like a druggy too. My local meeting has canceled their one Thursday night and that was the closest away only one hour. I want to be able to do the things I want and actually feel happy sober. I feel a long long way away from that. I’m not sure why I’m posting, I don’t know what I’m looking for I’m just hurting
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I’m sorry it’s tough for you right now. Maybe an online meeting is an option right now? I do not know where you from but I know you can find some here:
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Bella, I do hope you feel better soon. The shit is a beast along with the cyclic thoughts-use-do-find-again-repeat and the BS our brain keeps heaping on throughout. Inpatient may be what is required at this point. Going somewhere different doesn’t change shit. Were still right there with our disease. Again gal, whatever it takes or we are destined to die early with our wreckage being our most recent memories. Big hugs to you.
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