I fell off the wagon, without even a second thought. I went to an Easter lunch yesterday, had two glasses of wine, and on the way home, I schemed to pick up, so I could have a ‘quiet’ little party with myself and no one would know. I’m so tired of this cycle. I’m so tired of hiding. I’m so tired of these shackles. Clearly, I’m not trying hard enough to beat this. Only I, can put in the work that is needed. I know I just need to get through the first week of the fatigue, withdrawals, moods etc and once I hit the 7 day mark, I’ll feel better. At the moment, I get stuck and trip up on the 4th day. Typically, this is fueled by cravings, fatigue and boredom. I know all of my triggers. I just need to learn to
Ride the wave and not act on impulse. I’ll never give up trying, so here I am, dusting myself off and trying again.
Welcome back.
ODAAT
Hey being accountable is a good start the ‘quiet’
Parties are just lies we tell ourselves to use ,but lying to yourself is no good as we need to want to stop and be honest about that with ourselves cause if we cant do that it wont stop.
So learn from it like u seem to have and crack on you will get there 
First of all, well done on getting right back up and checking in here. Holidays are tricky for most of us, so don’t beat yourself up too hard, but learn from it. I know it helped me to have a plan in place for when cravings would hit. I put a routine in place for the first few months, I followed religiously no matter what. It helped me to accept, that I would be miserable and cranky for at least a while, knowing that I will be better eventually. Keep moving forward, not backward 
I think I’ve just chosen to not admit the progression of my usage and bury my head in the sand, and then wonder why I fall off the wagon. Being honest with yourself hurts, as you realise how far you have let yourself slip and no one knows about any of it. It’s a heavy burden to carry, and I don’t want to carry it anymore. I really want to be free of this cycle. I’ll keep trying until I have it nailed!
Thank you! I will choose to make a better effort on working on my recovery every day. I can do do this!
Great advice and perspective, thank you.
Like @Pandita mentioned, a plan on front helps! Playing the tape through: what am I going to say when someone offers me a drink? What am I going to do when I have cravings? Etc.
When I quit for the last time ( I quit multiple times) I made a plan. I called it my sober plan and I wrote all the stuff in it I learned in by on and off recovery years…
I will share it here:2 years sober and what helped me to get there: Maybe you see something in it that can be of use for you too.
Determination is key and connection too!
So keep connected! Maybe checking in every day? Here you find an excelent active thread for it:Checking in daily to maintain focus #64
Feel free to join us there!
Hi Talitha, dont beat yourself up…your learning…i think whats important about what youve written here is the allowing yourself to be exposed to that first drink so early in your sobriety…thats when all bets are off and so the rest happened…perhaps the easter lunch could have been skipped this time? If you really want to get sober sacrifices/changes need to be made at first…you cant really just stop drinking and then continue life as you did before…personally when i got sober i didnt allow myself to be around any form of drinking for the first 3 months…not easy but youve got to have your sobriety your absolute top priority until you feel strong enough to be around it
Maybe a meeting might help, helped me stay sober wish you well
Thanks everyone, really appreciate the your encouragement, advice and support.
I should have mentioned that drinking isn’t my problem, I don’t actually drink much at all, however my addiction is with cocaine. And as someone with ADD, I can understand why my brave craves the instant dopamine hit. It’s been a long cycle and in recent years I have admitted to myself that this cycle needs to end, and I cannot do this to myself anymore. I attended my first online meeting last week and really enjoyed it. I’ll dust myself off and get back up, and will do better this time. I deserve better. 
Yes, just never give up on trying to get clean & you’ll eventually get it like i did! Its really about learning how to fall in love with yourself again & learning how to treat yourself better, cause we all are our own worst enemy whether we want to admit it or not! Stay positive too my friend!
Yes but in this instance the alcohol weakened your resolve to stay sober from Cocaine.
I’m new here and fell of the wagon over easter after only 18days, really annoyed at myself cos I did a month over Christmas before I cracked. I really hate drinking and it’s not I crave a drink, for me it’s in my head, like ohhhh you deserve one Leigh, just have a can, yeah rite, 18 cans later, 30cigs and half cut I get the what have I done, I only ever smoke when I drink as-well. So wish I could keep stronger, I really need to try harder, any indea’s that may help would be much appreciated
Meaning well and trying harder never worked for me. Ever.
Please read this chapter from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It explained clearly what was going on with me and how to get better.
I believe you can too, and I also believe you will need a lot of peer support. What works for me is going to meeting of Narcotics Anonymous, having a sponsor, a homegroup and doing lots of service to stay out of my head. When i am giving to others it keeps that chatter in my mind quiet.
Gratitude lists every morning stop the negative self talk for me.
Meditating, yoga and prayer is how I have grown a deep connection to my higher power.
The first year of my recovery all of the time I was at home I spent on this app connecting with others and reading as much as I could.
Dont ever stop trying.
Thank you guys. Day 6 and I’m feeling strong.
Thank you for the read. I’ve attended some online smart meetings recently, as I find I gel with them more than the few NA meetings I attended. Appreciate your support.