Hi guys sorry for the long post just bear with me,
New to this so I just wanted to share my story. I was never a drinker or a big one at that when I was younger, I remember always hating the feeling of being “buzzed”. However, 6 years ago I moved out of state to be with my boyfriend at the time and things started to slowly get out of control. I’m bi-polar and have anxiety and panic disorder. I had been off of my meds for a bit and feeling great as I didn’t have any panic attacks for awhile. Unfortunately, when I went to one of my boyfriend’s friends house for the first time and there was a few people, I panicked. I tried to hold on the best I could but after an hour I told him I wanted to leave. This did not go over well with him. Soon thereafter I found out that drinking helps me with social situations and I didn’t have my panic attacks and he wouldn’t complain. That was my first reason to start drinking as if it were medication. Boyfriend at the time started cheating again 
made me feel worth nothing and would never touch me so then I just didn’t want to come home so I would go to a local bar and just chat up the bartenders, giving me reason two of depression drinking. I’ve had these expectations always put on me of who I should always be. Having bi-polar and having a “weird” personality didn’t sit well with anyone. I wanted a friend or someone I could confide in but with all these problems I was going through it was unattainable. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I didn’t understand it was then getting out of control. This was 4 years ago. I broke up with that boyfriend 3 years ago. Started dating someone new and started to feel happy again. However, through all of it I never fixed my problem. My problem of drinking for every problem I had to make me feel numb or better. I just got worse and I drank more and more. I had an amazing job I loved with my own big office and open window views. I could smoke whenever I wanted and was never bothered much. It was a dream. Until I started showing up to work hungover/still drunk from the night before. Through the years my hangovers were not normal anymore. I remember the first time I woke up to the shakiness, the panic, the fever and I thought “well this is it, I’m going to die”. No, that was just my body reacting to the loss of alcohol and it’s been that way ever since. Now I know what my mom felt like everytime she said she was “sick” after a night of heavy drinking. I remember always looking at myself in the bathroom mirror at work (did I mention I also had my own bathroom too?) eyes blood shot so I would put some drops in and my skin was horrible, so dry, so dull, so red. Around this time I was looking to buy a house, I’ve always wanted my own house. After YEARS of working on my credit score because my biological father had put my name in all these things he didn’t pay for, I was at a good 700. Everything was perfect, I had everything going for me. Yet, that side of me, that part that tells me to destroy everything wasn’t satisfied. My boyfriend and I ended up getting an apartment together because the house we were going to close on decided to go with another offer. So we figured we would save more and then look. Between this time I had a lot of issues with him. Always putting me last, talking to other girls as if I didn’t exist, lying, never sticking up for me, the usual. I felt like I went back to that place I was at with my ex. I was at the end of the ropes with my job because I had called out so much in prior months; I couldn’t afford to do it again, but I did because I was so incredibly hungover and I paid the price and lost my amazing job. That was last year in July, the same month I went to a music show 5 minutes down the street from me. Drove home drunk because I ran into my exes friends (I was only 5 minutes away) took a wrong turn and must of fell asleep because the next thing I knew or felt was the impact of my car hitting a pole. When the cops showed up and tried to get me to do the tests I simply said “I can’t”. I had this cute little black 2 door hatchback Yaris that I loved so much. That little guy was so good at handling and getting any parking space. Again, I was only 5 minutes from home. The state I’m in has the strictest DUI laws, however thankfully, they don’t go as misdemeanors just driving infractions. $5k later, I lost my license for 7 months (I blew so high they wanted to put me in jail) thanks to my lawyer, once I got it back I have to have the interlock for a year (almost finally done in April) and having to pay $106 a month for it ontop of $1000 a year for 3 years to the state, not to mention my car insurance was at $80 is now $160. If I miss one payment, my license gets cancelled and I have to pay a restoration fee. I also had to get a new car. I thought I just broke the bumper to my Yaris but upon looking at it in the tow yard I wanted to cry. It was so badly smashed that my wounds could have been so much worse (typical bruising and airbag burn). I could have been dead, and even then a year later…To my brain, it didn’t matter.
I have been through probably a good 20 jobs since I lost the good one last year. Always getting let go because I was hungover or tired or calling in. A couple actually weren’t my fault but I still blame myself. I’m completely broke and all my credit cards went into collections…that good credit score? Is now in the 400s. I’ve had to sell my most prized possessions to pay bills. Now when I drink, I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop. However, my bi-polar has gotten so bad that I switch everytime I see or feel a trigger and I turn into this horrible person because I can’t deal with my feelings sober anymore. I feel like I’m drinking to slowly kill myself. Every morning I would wake up with all what little serotonin I had in my body completely gone that I feel that I could do it, just rid myself of everything. I purposely delete calls and texts from the night prior just so I don’t have to see what I said or what I did, delete videos or pictures because I can’t see myself that way. Waking up and sometimes the night comes back to you in small memories and the anxiety of “omg what did I do?”. I don’t even know the excuses my boyfriend makes when his friends see me get out of control. I don’t even know what to say to my boyfriend while I flirt in front of him for attention and free drinks. I don’t know what to say to myself as I look in the mirror now after years of this, my hair falling out, my teeth going to s***, my skin so ugly and dull, and the weight I haven’t been able to lose. Before I moved I was someone, I was gorgeous, and I felt good. I feel even worse for my dog because some days I just can’t get up, some days I can’t be that person to teach him new things or go on long walks and I feel horrible.
It’s been since Saturday that I had my last drink and I need it to be my last. At least for awhile.
) get your bipolar medication in check, of your not already on the correct stuff then get on it, alcohol will also stop this medication grin done it’s job. You need to become a non drinker, I hope that you stick around. 
