I need to get better

Hi guys sorry for the long post just bear with me,

New to this so I just wanted to share my story. I was never a drinker or a big one at that when I was younger, I remember always hating the feeling of being “buzzed”. However, 6 years ago I moved out of state to be with my boyfriend at the time and things started to slowly get out of control. I’m bi-polar and have anxiety and panic disorder. I had been off of my meds for a bit and feeling great as I didn’t have any panic attacks for awhile. Unfortunately, when I went to one of my boyfriend’s friends house for the first time and there was a few people, I panicked. I tried to hold on the best I could but after an hour I told him I wanted to leave. This did not go over well with him. Soon thereafter I found out that drinking helps me with social situations and I didn’t have my panic attacks and he wouldn’t complain. That was my first reason to start drinking as if it were medication. Boyfriend at the time started cheating again :roll_eyes: made me feel worth nothing and would never touch me so then I just didn’t want to come home so I would go to a local bar and just chat up the bartenders, giving me reason two of depression drinking. I’ve had these expectations always put on me of who I should always be. Having bi-polar and having a “weird” personality didn’t sit well with anyone. I wanted a friend or someone I could confide in but with all these problems I was going through it was unattainable. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I didn’t understand it was then getting out of control. This was 4 years ago. I broke up with that boyfriend 3 years ago. Started dating someone new and started to feel happy again. However, through all of it I never fixed my problem. My problem of drinking for every problem I had to make me feel numb or better. I just got worse and I drank more and more. I had an amazing job I loved with my own big office and open window views. I could smoke whenever I wanted and was never bothered much. It was a dream. Until I started showing up to work hungover/still drunk from the night before. Through the years my hangovers were not normal anymore. I remember the first time I woke up to the shakiness, the panic, the fever and I thought “well this is it, I’m going to die”. No, that was just my body reacting to the loss of alcohol and it’s been that way ever since. Now I know what my mom felt like everytime she said she was “sick” after a night of heavy drinking. I remember always looking at myself in the bathroom mirror at work (did I mention I also had my own bathroom too?) eyes blood shot so I would put some drops in and my skin was horrible, so dry, so dull, so red. Around this time I was looking to buy a house, I’ve always wanted my own house. After YEARS of working on my credit score because my biological father had put my name in all these things he didn’t pay for, I was at a good 700. Everything was perfect, I had everything going for me. Yet, that side of me, that part that tells me to destroy everything wasn’t satisfied. My boyfriend and I ended up getting an apartment together because the house we were going to close on decided to go with another offer. So we figured we would save more and then look. Between this time I had a lot of issues with him. Always putting me last, talking to other girls as if I didn’t exist, lying, never sticking up for me, the usual. I felt like I went back to that place I was at with my ex. I was at the end of the ropes with my job because I had called out so much in prior months; I couldn’t afford to do it again, but I did because I was so incredibly hungover and I paid the price and lost my amazing job. That was last year in July, the same month I went to a music show 5 minutes down the street from me. Drove home drunk because I ran into my exes friends (I was only 5 minutes away) took a wrong turn and must of fell asleep because the next thing I knew or felt was the impact of my car hitting a pole. When the cops showed up and tried to get me to do the tests I simply said “I can’t”. I had this cute little black 2 door hatchback Yaris that I loved so much. That little guy was so good at handling and getting any parking space. Again, I was only 5 minutes from home. The state I’m in has the strictest DUI laws, however thankfully, they don’t go as misdemeanors just driving infractions. $5k later, I lost my license for 7 months (I blew so high they wanted to put me in jail) thanks to my lawyer, once I got it back I have to have the interlock for a year (almost finally done in April) and having to pay $106 a month for it ontop of $1000 a year for 3 years to the state, not to mention my car insurance was at $80 is now $160. If I miss one payment, my license gets cancelled and I have to pay a restoration fee. I also had to get a new car. I thought I just broke the bumper to my Yaris but upon looking at it in the tow yard I wanted to cry. It was so badly smashed that my wounds could have been so much worse (typical bruising and airbag burn). I could have been dead, and even then a year later…To my brain, it didn’t matter.
I have been through probably a good 20 jobs since I lost the good one last year. Always getting let go because I was hungover or tired or calling in. A couple actually weren’t my fault but I still blame myself. I’m completely broke and all my credit cards went into collections…that good credit score? Is now in the 400s. I’ve had to sell my most prized possessions to pay bills. Now when I drink, I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop. However, my bi-polar has gotten so bad that I switch everytime I see or feel a trigger and I turn into this horrible person because I can’t deal with my feelings sober anymore. I feel like I’m drinking to slowly kill myself. Every morning I would wake up with all what little serotonin I had in my body completely gone that I feel that I could do it, just rid myself of everything. I purposely delete calls and texts from the night prior just so I don’t have to see what I said or what I did, delete videos or pictures because I can’t see myself that way. Waking up and sometimes the night comes back to you in small memories and the anxiety of “omg what did I do?”. I don’t even know the excuses my boyfriend makes when his friends see me get out of control. I don’t even know what to say to my boyfriend while I flirt in front of him for attention and free drinks. I don’t know what to say to myself as I look in the mirror now after years of this, my hair falling out, my teeth going to s***, my skin so ugly and dull, and the weight I haven’t been able to lose. Before I moved I was someone, I was gorgeous, and I felt good. I feel even worse for my dog because some days I just can’t get up, some days I can’t be that person to teach him new things or go on long walks and I feel horrible.

It’s been since Saturday that I had my last drink and I need it to be my last. At least for awhile.


Welcome. Your story is a lot like mine. I got my first DWI when I was 21. Didnt stop me from drinking or continuing to drive drunk. 3 months later I totalled my car by smashing into a tree 1 block from my house. Lucky I didnt kill anyone or myself. Got into a horrible relationship that lasted 8 years full of drunken fights and cops called(he was as bad as me). I got better towards the end and left but got into my now relationship and got carried away again. Got my second felony DWI when I was 30. I also had the interlock device for a year as well as an alcohol anklet monitor for 6 months and 3 years probation. Got off after spending $10,000 on the whole process. And kept on going with alcohol. Still driving around and causing all sorts of problems. I also would stare at my ugly red eyes and face and just think how much I hated my life. One day, 3 weeks ago i woke up still hammered and started a physical fight with my bf. I punched him and bit him. In front of my 5yo daughter. I havent had one drop since that day. There should’ve been so many wake up calls before that but this was the one that worked. Finally. I’ve been free for 22 days and still going very strong with the help of this app. I’m so glad you’re here now. Theres so many helpful and kind people to be there for you. You can do this. We all can do this together. Best wishes to your recovery!

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I appreciate you sharing. Is there any chance you could or would take the opportunity to check into treatment? Your situation sounds like a major spiral. Wishing you some easier days ahead. Glad you are here.

OMG! You and I relate so much! I also am bi polar with epression and panic attacks. I’ve been divorce, my son won’t talk to me, on my second marriage, and my dad dont talk to me. I have put my current life through with my kids and step kids. Please and I beg of you to get back on meds. The meds are helping me tremendously with weekly visits to my physcologist. With out my meds I’m a lose cannon. I’m only 145 days sober and without weed. I don’t drive because of my condition. This group has helped me alot. I usually don’t comment but read everyones comments but I had to comment on yours. You are not alone! Again please get on your meds.

I simply want to let you know that I read every word of your story. Thank you for sharing it and being so honest. I’m only 28 days sober, so maybe not the best person to give you advice, as I’m still trying to pave my own path but I’d recommend using this app to keep putting things into perspective. Read other people’s stories and take each day as it comes. Refer back to this post of yours, whenever you feel like you want a drink.

From what I read, it sounds like you were career driven. You can get that back. Despite having 20 or so jobs in the past year, you’ll be clear-headed and find something you love. Things like credit score etc will naturally fall into place, once you’re sober and working a job you like.

All the best.


Welcome. I am glad you are here. I read your detailed story. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

Here you will find many with stories like yours, who have climbed out of deep holes, and who have gone on to thrive. Read their stories, and more importantly, find out what they did to put their lives back together.

Sobriety is simple. Not easy, but simple. My best advice to get you started is this: No matter what, say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink. When you do, you win 100%, because without the first drink, there can’t be a second or third or eighth.

How you build the strength and self-discipline to say “no” 100% of the time, is up to you, but you should be willing to do whatever it takes. Meetings. IOP. Rehab. Counseling. Therapy. Prescribed medications. Exercise. Meditation. Church…rule nothing out. Don’t limit yourself in any way, with regards to getting help.

Also, come here often…as often as you can. Read. Share. Learn. What others have done, you can do also.

Decide to be better, and then work to be better. Keep getting better at getting better, each and every day. Better today than you were yesterday and tomorrow better still.


There not much to say that hasn’t already been covered by our other lovely members.
I’m glad you’re here, there are two things I would like to suggest strongly, the first brings get yourself to an AA meetings whether you think of yourself as an alcoholic or not just go and listen. My second suggestion would be to never drink again, your tolerance will not go back to normal every and any time you drink the results will be disastrous.i say this because you said that you need to not drink at least for a while.
Oh thirdly (sorry :joy:) get your bipolar medication in check, of your not already on the correct stuff then get on it, alcohol will also stop this medication grin done it’s job. You need to become a non drinker, I hope that you stick around. :+1::slightly_smiling_face::slightly_smiling_face::slightly_smiling_face::slightly_smiling_face:

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Hi welcome, I just read your post, not much to say has the others have covered it with their advice. Hope you get the help and stay strong. Keep checking in on here, it’s really helpful and no one is judgemental. You take care. X