I need to get this off my chest , cause this is really hitting me on day 4

Emotional Support
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Today is family day here in Canada, as it’s coming to an end… I’ve said on this community not too long ago aside from family day it’s actually my birthday tomorrow . . I’m turning 28

Today the plan wasn’t just family day, but to celebrate my birthday.

Today I think I started to realize how much of a trigger my family is , and always has been.

I’m the second youngest out of 6 kids ( I come from a family of 8) all blood related… no step siblings , step parents, etc …
But damn this hit heavy today , aside from all the flashbacks of my childhood of stuff they put me through let me elaborate a bit … ( I came from a really abusive childhood and I got neglected pretty much the most out of the kids … favouritism was a huge thing in my family. Long story I don’t want to get into right now.)

But honestly I was expecting them to wanna say hello and spend some time with me and even socialize , but they all honestly made the day about themselves and sat there quietly as I came inside the place . I was quite emotional but because I had a heart to heart conversation with my mother prior about how the family has been some of my triggers growing up and that this is my first birthday I’m spending sober since I was 14 years old.

I could tell that they could tell I was kinda feeling down, but it’s weird because everytime I tried to spend time with them or talk to all of them, they always left me our of the conversations and kept seeking the most attentions. To them it seemed more like their special day rather then spending time with the family.

They all got special gifts and handed stuff over to each other but nobody wanted to even really come sit down and talk to me…
It was sad to think about but I didnt really have high expectations, I kinda was just excited to spend time with my family for my birthday that’s all I really told them.

I tried talking to my family about some of my interests one by one or going up to them and talking about their interests and they would just shrug their shoulder but then go and hang out with the other person in the room and shoot the ladders and laugh about ANYTHING.

Once dinner came around, they turned around and of course just yelled over one another , seems like mostly my oldest siblings, I couldn’t even get one word in or say much to anyone and I just wanted to tell them I was finally spending my birthday sober with my family and it was something I just wanted to express to them, but honestly they didn’t even want to hear anything I had to say.

They honestly just always want to talk about themselves which was okay, but dang I wasn’t expecting everyone to make a small birthday celebration about themselves.

They all hurt my feelings bad today, because it didn’t feel like a birthday celebration but rather a chore where I just had to go out of my way to see my family and listen to them talk ontop of each other. It’s not like I didn’t attempt to talk to them or do something with them…

So I just distanced myself and sat on this app, they triggered me so hard everything came back to me , the darkness that I left 4 days almost 5 days now, the drinking over my past and at my family events to cope with them more , to feel more numb when I’d be the black sheep in the family, it’s all that ran through my mind for about the last 4 hours… What a relief to be home , and honestly it really sucks to say even if I were to express this stuff to my family (I did earlier to my mother today for the first time in my life) most of them would turn it against me and say I’m acting selfish… But you know if it was their birthday id still wanna make them feel acknowledged on their birthday even if it meant talking to them about something I don’t even know or care about… Maybe that’s just my nature.

What a terrible way to go into my real birth date which I’m spending most the day alone…

I hate to say it , but I skipped an AA meeting tonight and I would’ve have a better time there tonight then with my own family. :frowning:
It sucks when your own family and “home” is triggers, in a way… Thank god that I do live on my own alone.
I needed to get away from that feeling. That really hurt , and now alcohol is running through my mind like a rodent on a running wheel…

Well guys , sorry for the long story , but I’d rather then to here then the bar right now. It is what it is, life goes on, but is be lying if I said I was happy or not feinding for a drink right now. Happy family day to you all, and happy last 3 hours of 27 for me. What an interesting year …

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Hey thanks for telling me that… I felt really hurt today, I still am. I’m not gonna sleep well tonight and sadly this is just what I had to encounter in my day 4 / day 5 … I’m doing this sober birthday for myself tomorrow and it’s a huge gift to me.

My withdrawals are gone but I can really feel the cravings and emotions today, I can’t stop thinking about walking to the bar right now to go grab a drink to wind down.

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Exactly! It doesn’t make it easier or less painful to go through, but their reaction is about them not you. Mostly, I’m sorry that happened to you.

I celebrate the fact that you went home sober and will celebrate your first sober birthday ! :balloon:

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Big hugs to you, happy birthday!!!

That sounds like a tough day. I have a family that also triggers me quite badly. I am so grateful for recovery because it has given me so many skills to deal with situations like the one you mention above. My favorite one during early recovery was removing myself from toxic environments. I learned early on that I dont owe anyone anything, and they also owe me nothing. So if we owe each other shit and I am not having a good time, why would I stick around? I learned to excuse myself with grace and by doing that it taught my family what I was willing to be apart of and what wasnt going to fly. It doesnt have to be a big scene, a simple, " Hey guys, I will catch you all later, I am going to head home. Thanks for the get together, hopefully we can do it again sometime." Apart of that not owing anyone anything is not needing to explain your actions. Now that you have started this journey your recovery is like your newborn baby, and you need to protect it with your life. Staying in situations that are triggering and make you feel like shit is not taking care of yourself. You have a voice, and its good to use it in a respectful way.

I saw you helping other people on here today and thats exactly how we stay clean. That is how we stay out of the “woe is me” frame of mind that our addict LOVES to grab ahold of and get us loaded over. Helping others gives us purpose. You matter here, and you deserve to live the rest of your life out of active addiction. Stick with us, youre doing a super job. Congrats on your 4 days. :heart: :canada:

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Happy family day and early birthday from one black sheep to another. I have felt like you have shared sooo many times. Ive since come to terms with it. I cant have expectations because that breeds resentments. The more time and energy i invested in loving and learning myself the less their “selfish” or “uncaring” behaviors affected me. Its like things have changed since ive gotten sober. They are drawn to me and investing more in me.

I think it’s funny you mentioned expectations multiple times above but said you didnt have em. But as i was reading your words it indicated otherwise.

Dont let the feelings and triggers distract you from your sober path.

You and your sobriety and a better life and mentality are worth it

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@Its_me_Stella

That’s a good way to put things I appreciate it. Maybe I was getting a little too wound up in my head. Maybe emotions are just high because I’m back on pretty much day 4/5 so this has to be expected with the brain fog/not thinking as clearly .

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@Cjp you’re right as well, your advice is solid and maybe I my expectations were more of my unconscious mind then my own conscious mind being fully there… my brain fog and emotions are still high so even if it was my typical family situation maybe I’m over analyzing from my old alcoholic self still since I’m new into recovery again. Good points though .

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Yeah emotions can be high for sure, but still your feelings are your feelings and they are valid. Its super you are able to look back and see that though, great self awareness. You can learn from this too and maybe go into the next family gathering with a plan.

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Ain’t that the right way though. Not much to add other than, glad you’re here, brother. Tomorrow is another day.

Happy (sober!) birthday! No regrets. :v:t3:

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Happy birthday for tomorrow and i’m sorry you are having a tough time with your family. I have a dysfunctional family (i’m the second eldest of six siblings) and i know all about toxic relationships, favouritism, rivalry, game playing etc and had some therapy to help me navigate the terrible drama.

I learnt about the drama triangle and the roles we all play and because things were so bad i was advised to remove myself from “the triangle” which i did and now i have peace and i have some wonderful friends who have become my family. I learn’t how to set boundaries around my family if i go to family events but i usually distance myself.

Like Stella suggests you are precious and you need to do whats right for you and protecting your sobriety. Stay in touch with everyone here and you will come through this. Sending a hug.

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:sparkler: Happy birthday :fireworks:

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family matters suck sometimes. Glad you vented here instead of drinking. That keeps you in power, instead of the anxiety that they cause you.

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First of all: happy birthday! And congratulations on your day 4/5! Be proud of yourself: you went through a lot today and still didn’t pick up a bottle. That is the best present you gave yourself.
Unfortunately, families are not necessarily our allies nor safe places. They can be triggers, even worse than others, because, as well as family can be a safe place for some (lucky ones), it can often be a place where we are most vulnerable.
Be grateful for your sobriety. Thank yourself for not allowing today’s lousy situation to make you say “What the heck…” and pour a drink. Be grateful for your strength. Be grateful for not being like the selfish people you described.
You have your place, your AA meetings, your friends or acquaintances.
Oh, and once again: happy sober birthday!

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Day 4 evening time was REALLY hard for me. Day 5 was a little pat on the back for making it through the night before, and it has just gotten better from there a little bit at a time. Congrats on pushing through for yourself, you are doing great!

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Happy birthday!! @Drew95

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It wasn’t okay. Your family dynamic reminds me of my own. It’s such a specific kind of shameful feeling when you’re not included but you’re present and want to be. Your journey is such a sacred one and I’m so glad you came here to express yourself. Sometimes the days will be hard and it’s ok to feel disappointed. You did a lot of amazing things today, like telling your mom for the first time ever that sobriety is important to you and that you’re on a journey. Realizing that there are other communities that bring you hope and encouragement like AA. You came hear to talk about how your family makes you feel not just today but often. One step, one realization, one day at a time. Happy Birthday and Happy family day :heart:

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@Earth thank you very much :face_holding_back_tears: happy family day to you as well !