I think I need to talk this out to you fellow addicts…im 15 months AF…Christmas is looming and I can feel my anxiety building for a few reasons…dont get me wrong I really love Christmas…as per ive made a huge effort for my daughter and her got her all the presents she put on her list and more, ive got a personalised Christmas eve box ready, the reindeer dust, the house is like Santa’s grotto but I feel anxious and veering toward sad and I can’t figure out why, I don’t want to feel like this I really want to enjoy it but something is stopping me…the day itself I’m making Christmas lunch for me, my daughter and my parents but I also know I will be stuck in the house all day long cooking and when I’m not cooking my daughter will want me to play with her and her new toys …it sounds selfish but it always feels like alot of pressure…it also makes me feel lonely because i dont have a partner…I wont drink but ive found myself even thinking about getting myself a bag of coke to get me through it all …I mean that is CRAZY which is why im reaching out help!!
Hey Kelly. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. Sounds like you’ve pulled out all the stops for your daughter, she’s going to be delighted
I don’t really have any advice, other than to say I hear what you’re saying about the pressure and being a bit anxious.
My sister is on her own so she feels all the pressure to make birthdays / events etc special for my nephew. As a family we all do what we can to help and she’s comfortable to ask us for a hand where she needs it.
I guess what I’m saying is, can you ask for others to help take the pressure off, even in small ways? Can your parents help with some of the lunch? Or just play with your daughter whilst you prep lunch or just take a breather? Or even prep some bits the day before to lessen Christmas Day?
We are hosting Christmas Day this year and I’ve roped my parents in to bringing the mashed potato I’m also a bit anxious as, in the past I’ve been the hostess topping up glasses, as well as my own… a lot. And this year it won’t be that. My first Christmas AF. Currently devising my sober plan for the day X
Big hugs to you, thank you so much for sharing that
I am not looking forward to Christmas either. I am not entirely sure I have since having kids Don’t get me wrong, I love the day for them and take a lot of joy in their happiness, but it is exhausting and second hand joy, and we never seem to own our own time. This year we are with the in laws, that’s just “the rules”. The Christmas we were in lockdown it was just us at home and I got a nap, it was wonderful. Every other year I give someone else the Christmas they want (in laws, my own family).
I am sorry, I hijacked that a bit. I think you hit a nerve and opened up a can of worms. How are your parents? Would they be hands on? Xx
Its kinda not the cooking i actually enjoy that its the constant playing i have to do and i feel terrible for saying that i really do but it makes me want to escape, the second i stop cooking shes on me…i really do feel awful saying that and i think that bothers me more than anything else, the fact that i dont want to do it and i dont know why
I loved playing as a child (possibly until a lot older than I should have…) I hate it now and have massive guilt too. I could never role play. I used to get the kids out to avoid it You are such a good Mum, that comes through strongly from your posts. We can’t all enjoy every aspect of parenting. Unfortunately the playing one is a biggie. You probably just crave some time to yourself too and are overstimulated.
Would your parents step in? Could you go for a walk at all, or test out a new toy outside?
I am trying to give you strategies but really what you need is a nice big rest I should imagine. Sending a lot of sympathy x
Thank you, i have guilt over her being an only child aswell, i remember always having my brother and cousin to play with at Christmas and lots of family together for the day…i cant give her that
I hate playing with kids. I just can’t stand it.
I love my daughter, but I always hated playing with kids.
This has caused me many a guilt trip, cause - you know - this is my daughter! I am her mother! I should cherish every minute I can spend with her…
At some point I admitted to myself: Playing with kids is not my forte. I am good at many other things, and I can support my child in a million other ways.
That’s why I employed for the task of playing: grandparents, uncles, aunts, playgroups, playdates, all kinds of daycare, you get it.
Sometimes I still feel guilty about this. But hey: I am not perfect. Nobody is. I have to be bad at something
Thank you for this @acromouse this actually makes me feel a bit better about it id never thought of it that way…i think because im a single parent i feel the pressure to have to be all things for her, i guess i dont have to excell at them all though
Oh dear, it’s ok that you want to enjoy christmas too and having some rest. I don’t have kids but a big chosen family and gosh, playing with kids is straining. To be honest, kids have to understand that adults are not always there to play with them and have other needs that are valid and must be respected. It’s not a sign of love when you hang on and neglect your own needs. Talk about it, kids do understand.
I was an only child too and happy to play on my own. My parents and grandmothers told me that they need a nap or just want to read a book in silence for an hour. I went to my room and discovered hundreds of possibilities to play with my new toys on my own. Often I joined my family reading, I still love a good book under the christmas tree allthough I’m all alone.
Just my 2 cent
I always feel anxious about monumental events, and I try to take them on like I do with sobriety - one day at a time; rather than thinking of the WHOLE SITUATION, break it down into smaller, manageable things and timeframes; your daughter will be thrilled to have your attention and presence of mind!!!
Have you thought about not cooking so you can look forward to being present and more involved?
I love Xmas and pack everything in so my kids have a magical time but it left me being on the side lines cause I was busy organising!
This year I’m setting out a table of baguettes with cold meats, crackers cheese and all the naughty stuff so come Xmas day I can sit and play. It’s honestly lightened the load on the day cause I want to enjoy it with them. Xx
It’s not crazy. We just have different wiring. It’s actually good that you are recognizing your triggers. Stay strong. You can do this. You’ve been doing it.
At some point I found out that I liked certain kinds of play. For example I always enjoyed outdoorsy activities and movement: jumping, running, climbing, all sorts of things in the woods or the park.
I told my daughter then, that these are the kinds of things I enjoyed and I also told her which I really disliked the most, like dolls and roleplaying.
Thus I was the outdoors and movement stuff mama, and her grandma became the designated costume and roleplaying person and my brother turned out to be the perfect doll play partner.
This way the whole situation became much more fun for all of us.
As much as it pained me to admit at first: I can’t be everything for my daughter. I am limited, like everyone else.
There is a lot of pressure at the holidays, to provide a special day, make a magical time, etc etc. It is totally ok to cut corners, ask for help, etc. Also mayb watching a Christmas movie together or taking a walk together could be something to do together that isn’t “play”.
help!!
I’m also a bit anxious as, in the past I’ve been the hostess topping up glasses, as well as my own… a lot. And this year it won’t be that. My first Christmas AF. Currently devising my sober plan for the day X
Don’t get me wrong, I love the day for them and take a lot of joy in their happiness, but it is exhausting and second hand joy, and we never seem to own our own time. This year we are with the in laws, that’s just “the rules”. The Christmas we were in lockdown it was just us at home and I got a nap, it was wonderful. Every other year I give someone else the Christmas they want (in laws, my own family).
X
