I planned it. 90 odd days dry and I knew it was coming. Ran a big marathon at the weekend and totally “earned” a few beers. lined it up perfectly. Knew what I would drink knew where I would take my first few sips and planned out the few days when I knew I would be a piece of sh1t. I did it, knew it was coming and now that I’m out of the fog of war the guilt and flashbacks are coming hard and fast.
I’ll start my timer again tomorrow morning and deal with what’s coming I can already feel the anxiety coming at me.
I’m a good father, and a good husband, most of the time. The Heineken ruins me.
Prayers greatly appreciated. I’ll share a bit more when I’m more stable.
This one will hurt.
18 Likes
I’m sorry that you had a relapse. But it’s good that you check in here.
You had 90 days under your belt so you have already gained experience. Do not beat yourself up too hard now and be kind to yourself. Try to rest as much as needed and stay hydrated.
You say you knew it was coming and you planned it, therefore you should find out how to change that kind of thinking and to be focused on working for your sobriety.
Take it one day at a time and reach out on here. You don’t have to do it alone!
5 Likes
It’s not Heineken. It’s you. It’s the addicted part of your brain. Addiction is a part of you, the part of you that took control, planned it, knew it, did it.
It’s time to take back that control in the only way possible which is total abstinence. This is black and white. All or non. You can do this but your mindset has to change. Never again. One day at a time.
It’s good you’re here. Help yourself by letting others help you. You’re not alone. Next time when you here the addict in you start planning come here. Immediately. Or somewhere else where people know the deal. Like a meeting or something. Don’t go it alone. We’re in this together. 
15 Likes
Good advice given. I’ll just offer my best wishes for you. Be that good husband…good dad…good athlete. Marathon!! Wow!!
2 Likes
I completely relate . i have no where near 90 days . But i keep trying to plan the day i will have a drink . I know that rush of depression and guilt of drinking will flood in right after my hangover clears and im right back in the cycle .
2 Likes
Hi Dave, how are you doing? Hope you’re ok.
Sending love and positive vibes your way.
2 Likes
I’m good @happyfeet thank you for reaching out. Over a month dry and going well. I’m strong and confident heading into Xmas thankfully.
How are you? Can I help you with anything?
Good to hear from you @Dustysprungfield
That’s lovely news hearing you’re doing great.
I’m good too. Thanks for checking on me.
It’s day 140 today for me and I’m not willing to turn back to drinking ever again. Feeling confident about this too.
Still not perfectly fine with mental state of mind. I often lack the energy and motivation to do daily house chores and stuff like that. And a vacation last month and now COVID keeps me away from my little walk - jog plan.
But I hope to be back after Christmas.
Wishing you all the best on your journey and a very merry happy sober Christmas soon 
1 Like
I’ve been beating myself up a little about not getting enough running lately but I’ve been thinking, once I’m functioning day to day, we’ll behaved and not upsetting my family or myself, I’m doing ok.
Life is tough enough, when the time is right we can step things up and try to be more active.
1 Like
Relapse isn’t the end, but rather the start of another chapter in your sober life. I often play through scenarios in my head of what would I do if that happened to me. I don’t plan for it to happen, but I prepare myself mentally what that would look like if I had to deal with one. I think of it as a step in the journey instead of a huge failure and reason to hate myself. Every journey has bad moments but the journey doesn’t end because of those moments and ultimately it’s what we do after they happen that determines where the road leads. Also, your experience can help others think about their journey and avoid something that might be a trap for them, so thank you for sharing. That’s another reason to look positively versus negatively at your experience. Someone could read your story and be more careful about how they approach a big milestone or accomplishment in their life. Instead of thinking they earned the right to drink because of it, they can walk into that situation with your knowledge and recognize the importance of staying vigilant. Glad you’re doing well and making it through the holidays!
1 Like