I rejoice over the loss of no one (even you) ⚠️TW overdose⚠️

To the drug dealer who sold to my husband the morning he died and to all the other dealers out there. As much as I don’t want to, I find myself thinking about you from time to time. My mind often travels back to that day, having just found out Daniel was gone forever just a few short hours prior and then seeing you, walking down the road. I remember jumping out of my sister’s moving vehicle as unearthly sobs and screams escaped me. I physically put my hands on you, at first to rip you apart but that slowly turned into me, hugging you and begging you through sobs to get help before it was too late for you as well.

I wonder if you knew how many nights Daniel and I spent crying, hating what we were becoming. Yet no matter how many numbers we blocked, you would still somehow find a way to get ahold of us. I wonder if you went through the same things before becoming what you were. Daniel tried to save himself and every time you watched, lurking in the shadows, calling to him… Even though you didn’t put a gun to his head, you sure helped hold the pipe to his lips.
While your pockets grew, I watched my husband shrink and slowly disappear, folding in on himself until all that was left was an empty shell, full of used to be’s. I wonder if you were full of used to be’s as well…

For whatever reason you seemed to always escape law enforcement. Meanwhile our small town police force arrested your victims and filled our jails with those who possessed your drugs. They arrested those who stole in order to buy your dope. They arrested those who sold off small portions of your drugs or sold their own bodies, just to support their habits. Yet you went on dealing. To you I suppose dealing drugs was a business that brought income. For us though, it was a plague that preyed on life.

You didn’t have customers; you had victims. I wonder if you ever looked hard into Daniel’s eyes. If so, you’d have found desperation, not adoration. I wonder if at one time you had that look of desperation, if you still did. I suppose I’ll never know. There is a price on everything and on every action in this life. We each reap what we sow. Future consequences are inevitably shaped by present actions. You died of an accidental fentanyl overdose just 17 short days after Daniel died. Reaping what you sowed. You smoked what you thought was “H” and you laid your head down for bed never to open your eyes again. I felt no joy at the news, as you left behind a daughter who now has to live without a mother, your parents without a daughter and so many others who knew and loved you. I rejoice over the loss of no one, even you.

I have been open about my addiction since checking into rehab August 4th, 2022. I get often asked why I am so honest and blunt about my struggles. I’d like to be able to say it’s because I know their pain, while that is very true, that’s not the entire truth. If I am honest completely, it has more to do with Daniel, who died from an overdose. Daniel who never fully made it to the rooms of recovery. My husband, who suffered in silent desperation for a very long time. My rock bottom landed me in a nice treatment facility with a chance at recovery. My husband’s landed him in an urn reduced to ash. That’s been really hard for me to come to terms with. But seventeen months later and I’m still sober and I’m still here. I still matter, even without him.


Yes, yes you are. And yes you do matter, lovely Sarahya.

I’m grateful for the words you share here. For your spirit that rejoices in the loss of no one, as you so aptly put it. For your example of vulnerability and strength, and for your presence in this place. :pray:

Carry on, beautiful soul. :pray: :orange_heart:


this is such a wonderfully written and thought provoking post! thank you for being so vulnerable and honest with the community.
one of my favourite things I have read on here and i’m sure many people can relate to how you’re feeling

Lots of love to you❤️


Thank you both for taking the time to read :heart:


Oh man, I should stop reading this at work…:pleading_face: I wish you the best @Sarahyab ! Keep up the good work and keep pushing forward. Thats what he would of wanted. A better tomorrow is only possible by staying sober today.


Absolutely! Thanks man for taking the time to read my words and for your kindness :raised_hands:t3:


You are mighty
Especially for sharing this story
People like you. Who want to be sober .
Are the voice that people need to hear when they come to meetings.

  • Experience!
  • Strength!
  • Hope!

This is why we share


I’ve read and rereads this multiple times. Your strength and courage to share this heartbreaking story is so appreciated and I send all my heartfelt condolences.
Daniel sounds and looks like he was an amazing human and it’s so kind of you to share his (your) story.

I have no words really but to say you matter immensely as did he and your story should be seen by all.

Be well :heart::pray: