Today was a really really bad day. My head is throbbing I haven’t eaten anything all day and I relapsed. It wasn’t my doc but it was enough to turn my whole life around again. Just after one day of getting high I feel like s*** I
didn’t eat anything all day I suck dick for crack twice I was late for my curfew for probation I didn’t spend as much time with my kid as I should have because I was high. I’m really just trying to post this so I can hold myself accountable and be honest in some way with someone because I really don’t want to tell anybody else who’s in my support group. I just really really hope tomorrow will be a better day. I hope tomorrow will be a complete turnaround from today. Because I know for a fact that I will throw everything away like I’ve done time and time again to get high. I really thought I had it this time. And I still believe I am stronger than I’ve ever been so I’ve got faith that I can pick myself back up. Just for today they say. So just for today I had a really bad day and my thoughts were not within my recovery but when I wake up that statement won’t be true anymore. Man I’m just so disappointed. 3 months and some change for a headache and disappointment and myself.
So an update I failed again today. At first I thought well at least today wasn’t as bad as yesterday but now that I’m speaking on it I’m realizing that today was actually worse than yesterday. I didn’t go to such extremes to get high but I can’t use the excuse that I was triggered by my people places and things today. I left everything I’ve ever known in my hometown and moved to a completely new city to get clean and get my life together but today I ventured out and found what I needed to get high. This is a really big deal because now the drugs are mentally more accessible for me. And with that it kind of defeats the purpose of me moving away from everything I’ve ever known my family my kids. My Mom supposed to bring them up to see me tomorrow. I’m really praying that being with them will be some type of switch to shut the active addiction down in my brain. Because I know if I keep going I’m not going to stop. And if I don’t stop I’m going to lose everything again. But I know if I lose everything again this time I don’t know how possible it will be for me to get it back. I also don’t know that I would even have the will or desire to get it back. I think I’ve made a reservation to myself that if I ever completely go into full relapse again that I’m giving up. That I’m not going to try to be clean again anymore. Which means I give my kids up and that’s so sad so wrong. Please pray for me I’m falling and I’m so scared
Don’t give up. I’ll be praying for you ❤️🩹🙏
Hi, im sorry to hear the way you are feeling.
Welcome to the community 
Try to look at this in a different way, if it were me, i would realise how fearfull i am of this becoming my life again, get to meetings daily and do everything to get through one day at a time. Try not to let this be your new reality. We are addicts and we will always find a way if we really want to.
The amount of effort we put into getting high, is alot.
We need use that same anount of effort one day at a time to quit.
There are many others here that know what your going through, have felt how you are feeling, so stick around and let us support you through each day.
I believe this is the addiction speaking. You have moved to a new area, you stuck at being clean and sober for 3 months, you just need some support to get back on track. You wouldn’t have done all this, which takes alot of courage and strength if you wanted to just keep using and lose everything.
Have you tried to get some medical help ? This can be life changing as well as opens up doors for support and after care.
Your not alone, and i dont believe you want to just lose everything.
Im glad you joined us, everyone here are so supportive.
Meetngs are great too.
Heres a hug lets get you back on day 1 ready to see your children. You can do this !! You have done it before.
Thank you so much for responding and sharing your support for me. Really what I think happened was just that I got released out of jail and came to the shelter in this brand new city and was supposed to have all these great things lined up to keep me active in recovery. But it took longer than expected so I spent a lot of time not occupying my mind with sobriety and recovery. Kind of just waiting for everything to start but while I waited my mind set deflated you know? I had to go to court in my hometown yesterday so that was my original trigger why I picked back up in the first place but now it’s trickled over into today in my new place of living. One thing that I’ve realized now that I didn’t really think of before was that moving up here and not having anyone close by that I’m familiar with also means that I came here without any physical support as well. I kind of isolated myself and left it all up to me. But reading through this community chat I’m realizing I can’t do it by myself. So that’s why I’ve been trying to reach out. I really need a sponsor I think that would make a big difference for me
Lets try to work on today 
Maybe get a list of all your local meetings face to face or on zoom, its so powerful to listen to a meeting when we arent thinking straight.
So looking and knowing where you can go now, means if you get cravings you can get straight to/on one.
There is an app called ‘In the rooms’ many swear by it on here, download it and get familiar with it.
Think of the positive things you have done for your recovery, and the positive life you had in those 3 months.
Perhaps speak to your dr, there maybe some extra help they can offer you.
Keep reaching out here too, we come from all over the world so every now and then we get an hour or two thats quite due to different times in each country, so your post will be seen, and there are lots of us to support you.
I think you need to eat something, straight away for me i become able to think clearly when fed and hydrated.
Keep reading around here, and use the search bar to find more posts you can read.
Im glad you found us, because you dont have to suffer alone, and im glad you here, that shows you care
I think you’re right. 
And just for today I’m going to try to do my best to take your advice. I’m very thankful I found this app and the community within it. And I’m also very appreciative for such kind and understanding people like yourself that will take out the time to reach out to post and people like me. I just read on here that one of the biggest concepts of na and why it works, thrives off of addicts helping other addicts. So by you helping me it helps you too and that’s wonderful. And it’s very settling to have somewhere to go and be completely honest without fear of judgment.
I’m sorry ur hurting girl. I can actually very much relate to ur post. I too moved provinces away to a new city about 7.5 years ago for a fresh start. Basically to get out of the sex trade and away from the drugs, the people, and the scene and my abusive ex. Ended up finding drugs here and had been a chronic relapser on crack for many years up until 123 days ago when I got clean. It is possible. It takes alot of work but it is. You don’t have to live this way. What I found helped me is to take care of that urge to use right away. Don’t let it stew in ur mind and get stronger. Come on here or go to a mtg right away to change that thinking process. Do whatever u can to not pick up. Whatever it takes. We often do ALOT to get high. That same effort needs to go into our recovery. To go to any lengths. Come on here before u use… right when u get that thot to use. Take it 24 hours at a time. Thinking and praying for u 
Because your honesty is forthcoming…
That already shows apart of accountability, let alone venting cyber socially. That already has… and will continue to be the start girl!.. it’s ok to be real, and it’s ok to definitely be honest!..And moving forward, you just really need to find the root cause and dig down (as much as you may not want to) and just try to pin point WHAT is this all STEMMING from?!?..
Take it a day at a time, your not alone! And as a mom myself… to be honest… MY WORST TRIGGER was my GUILT!.. but besides forgiving others, or certain situations that may HAVE caused hurt… leading to this Spiral…FORGIVENESS and SELF 
Love is a very big part of Healing itself…you got this girl 
… believe in yourself, you are worth the believing in
I really appreciate everyone on here who’s been supportive of me. I don’t feel like I’m getting any better I feel like I’m becoming weaker and when I say that out loud it makes me cry and it hurts because I feel like I gave up and I’m in this battle in my head where like I don’t want to be the one to give up but my addiction is on fire right now and I can’t put it out. I can take in all the support and advice I want but the question is if my addiction is going to be stronger than my will to fight it or not. I feel like I failed and because I failed I gave up and I don’t want that I really don’t. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I’m fighting someone with him myself. Someone I have no control over even though they’re within myself. I made a reservation yesterday when I ended up using again for the third day in a row , that today would be my last day to use because my piss would still be clean for probation on Thursday. But I’m totally aware of how this situation goes. I’ve been through this so many times. And the outcome has never been any different. This will be my last day was never my last day. I feel like I’ve already failed today even though I haven’t used I just know I am. I’ve already relapsed today in my mind. I really really don’t want to go back to jail I don’t want to lose my kids again being able to see them and be with them if I go back to jail then I’m doing time. So at this point since today is worthless I’m praying that the scare from being incarcerated will be enough to keep me from using tomorrow. I am not well today or yesterday or the day before. And that literally makes me sick of myself. I’m so f****** sick of going through this man. I really do just want to be better
There’s a saying in recovery, “play the tape”: play the track, play the story through, you know how it ends. It always ends the same way.
Today is never worthless. Now is never worthless. You are not worthless.
You always have a choice. This second, right now, you have a choice.
Join a 24/7 Zoom NA meeting online:
Listen, talk if you want, be part of a community. You always have a choice, every second of every day, to choose to be healthy. You are letting your addict voice talk too much. Tell that asshole to shut up and you’re in charge and you’re going to a meeting and everything will be fine. The only thing that matters is you’re choosing to be healthy. All the other good stuff in your life will come from that.
I feel for you so much. I feel your pain your cry for help
From what i have read i just think you need some extra support maybe an inpatient rehab or out patient.
You can do this and you want to you just dont know how, and that doesn’t make you a failure or mean you should give up. I think it means you just need more help and support.
Can you do that ?. How would you get that help?
Walk into a hospital?
Ask your probation officer ?
Call a number im not sure how it wotks over there.