I have been trying to be sober for two years now and keep relapsing, and relapsing hard. Sometimes I feel as though all I’ll ever be is an alcoholic who messes up. I relapsed hard this time, I blacked out the other day and almost caused my relationship with my partner whom I love very much to end. I recently had a friend in my circle pass away. I got into a car accident. And my work performance has been suffering. It all got to be too much and I couldn’t stop drinking. I had gotten to the point where I didn’t know if I could keep going. My partner and my mom tried to have me committed to a psychiatric hospital. When I was there and had my evaluation I sobered up. I talked to the psychiatrist. I do want to live. I do want to be sober. It’s just so hard. So here I am, back to day one, yet again trying. I just feel so powerless sometimes over the grip alcohol has on me. It turns me into a person I do not like, yet I keep going back. I am going to really try my hardest to remain hopeful but sometimes I feel lost. Thank you for letting me share.
Welcome Maura 
thank u for sharing a bit of ur story and why ur here. Theres plenty of great suggestions here and lots of support from some amazing people. This place truly has helped me get clean and sober. Hope it is as helpful for u too
Hi Maura,
Sorry to hear of your friend passing. That’s a shitty blow!
I know how hard quitting alcohol can be, I have been hooked to it for 40 years and I just didn’t see a way past it.
I’m now 136 days sober, and truly am loving life more than I ever have. You got this and it is so worthwhile.
Stay focused, work everyday to remain sober, read here lots and if you ever feel the temptation is too great, reach out. There are people on this amazing app at all times of day all around the world that are the most helpful people you could ever wish for!
Relapse is a part of recovery. Most everyone has been through a relapse. It took me years to finally stay sober as for many others on this app I’m sure. Good luck to you my friend
Hearing your hopelessness brings me back to my day one. God thats tough. Luckily someone invited me to an AA meeting and i found hope and an alternate way to live. Whatever youve tried for the last 2 years hasnt worked. Try adding new tools to your sobriety toolbelt
Like @cjp already has mentioned: try new things!
But I feel you, a relapse is hard. I had my share of them. I came here more then 5 years ago because I had one. Sober since.
Take your time to read here, the is so many good information to find here like:
What's YOUR plan? ore in Resources for our recovery
Don’t be a stranger but be an active part of this sober community. It really helps!
Welcome, Maura! You’ve taken a brave first step admitting your problem and joining here. Please stay, talk to people and read the resources here. It has all been a BIG part of changing my life for the better.
One thing I have learned is that willpower is not enough alone, it is a finite resource that you can and will run out of. We have to change our minds about alcohol and its role in life in order to escape the grip it holds over us all.
Please take the second step and start reading some of the resources or listening to the podcasts shared above, some of them changed my life too.
@Maurakathleen Sorry to hear that relapse. its really hard, me also same today day 1 sober. I’m really feeling bad and shame , no hunger … cannot work.
But i know the days when i was sober for 34 days was really awesome, i ever had in my life. We can move together
You’re in the right place keep checking in and talking to people most of us have been where you are 
Hello Maura 
Welcome here, read around, take onboard the advice, share your progress. Access the help and start taking it day by day. You can do this.
Maybe try ameeting they will help and meet new likeminded people ,meetings helped me stay sober , as for relapse being part of recover my experience it happens but it isnt a part of recovery wish you well
Glad to see you pop in here! Great place to be for all kinds of support!
I was in the same situation but i did something twice and ended up in a unit for 4 weeks, and that really opened my eyes and i also got a proper diagnoses for what i have been suffering with and got put on the right meds, i also relapsed recently but the huge bit is that you WANT to stay sober and thats massive! Sending you lots of supportive hugs 