it appears my depression is getting worse. i’ve been struggling with simple tasks. it might be because i don’t take all my meds (they make me less functional but im quite deranged without them). even then… since my psychiatrist doubled my anxiolytic i’ve been having trouble thinking and it still hasn’t gone away. i would welcome it some other time, really. but i got college in less than two weeks, and we’re going to dive into IT. i might start taking otc nootropics. they really helped me to get through the start of my previous college year. (i don’t get any effects from them i just can think) but im back at self-injury again. haven’t done that in about 9 months or so? i don’t care much about this though. it’s just upsetting that my mom triggered me (again. aand she might discover soon). i admit i overreacted. i haven’t been doing a lot around the house ever since we returned from a vacation. she’s getting frustrated. im not meeting anyone’s expectations, i’ve failed my childhood ones years ago. that’s ok. i just wish everything would be over… i would 
but i guess i care about my mom just enough to hesitate to. i’ve been manifesting i disappear without leaving a trace. looked up ld50s. (this was so annoying. i don’t have enough. im assuming my psychiatrist had foreseen that) wanted to 
from blood loss but i feel that would be too gory. i may be writing in my notes that i hate my mom and wish i could get back at her but i suppose that isn’t completely true. wishing something would take me out. i don’t deserve to be living in this world - it’s too much pain and since i cannot accept it as it is… i should head out. i mean i can wait. it might get better. it’s not like it makes any difference for me though. i prefer being unconscious to anything.
Sounds like you are dealing with alot. Besides the psychiatrist do you do regular therapy? As someone with severe mental illness, ive found tag teaming the illness gives me better outcomes
I struggle with depression as well but all I can advise u to do is talk to your mom explain to her what triggers you but look everytime you get through a trigger it makes you stronger all you gotta do is not use keep your mind positive when you start thinking you can’t do this replace can’t with can alot of this is mental think about it when you started using you had no problem leaving your sober friends to hang with the people that got high that want a problem at all so why is it we think that changing people places and things is so hard to do when we’ve proven that it’s pretty frickin easy just gotta truly want to there a way to win even if u don’t see one get super people sober or positive that you can talk to if a me is messing with u a much as yours seem to be tell your psych as soon as possible there some places that will keep you for a week or so and get you on the correct meds like a stress unit or something that way they can monitor the effects of your needs do NOT keep quiet about it that will hurt more than anything you can do this 
we all can keep your head up and stay positive if you need people to talk to or get advice from message someone you know will listen or help seriously
i used to get free therapy (the doctors studied us although it was never made explicitly obvious) but that place has shut down indefinitely. the prices went up. we have to pay for college soon so i can’t get to a specialist right now. not sure when i’ll be able to
Maybe the college has options
thanks! i’ll give it a try. though i guess it’s not a matter of being able to… im not doing this for myself. i never learn. i welcome death
thank you for the idea. i don’t think so, but i’ll look into it
I welcome it as well we all are going to die that is the only thing in life that is promised we will die but do you want to die happy and with the people u care about most or do you want to die suffering? That’s the only question I guess and really think about that awncer to remember when your suffering u want to die lol when you’re happy you either don’t or still welcome it is just not so bad
It’s great that you’re posting here. That’s courage. All I have is my experience and it’s not exactly the same as yours. However, I’ve found the solutions ‘I’ve used have helped many people. Seeking medical advice is great. I’ve found that helpful myself. I also found it helpful to find someone you can talk to who wont judge you. Someone that has similar experiences. That’s not always easy to do. I know. Making the effort helped me. Keep on writing as well. I like to get my thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I laugh at the stuff I’m upset about once I write it out and look at it. I like to look at the list and pretend it’s someone else’s and ask myself what would I say to them? I wanted a switch to flip to fix everything. I’m still looking for it. What I did find out was that talking to others was a huge benefit. I thought I was alone. Nope! Theres many many people out there with similar experiences willing to help. Remember baby steps. You can do it.
thank you i try