I swear i can’t win

Emotional Support
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Okay so ! I’ve got a month down of no drinking :slight_smile: very happy and proud of that . I’ve been faced with lots of things that tested me . Tonight in particular I think I’ve just lost it . So my gf drinks and sometimes drinks too much and in those cases I get nervous of her driving and just her overall health . Now since I met her which was a year and a half ago, she has done this thing where she gets like blackout and falls asleep and wakes up, walks around and starts peeing on the floor, dresser, tv stand etc. anywhere but the toilet . I’ve cleaned it up and the next day generally she will apologize . Tonight however, I get home and see the front door open, lights on and no people or puppies . So I got to the bedroom and see she’s passed out with out two dogs and she’s still in her work clothes which she got off about 5 1/2 hours ago at this point . I see pee from the puppy on the floor, poop etc so I clean that up then she gets up and pees literally directing across from the toilet on the bathroom floor ! This happens more than I’d like and trust me, I’m not a walk in the park to be with I know that . Especially with me quitting drinking a month ago and nicotine 4/5 days ago, plenty of things have been ticking me off but im trying to direct my irritability towards other things like the gym and in general im not perfect and I have my faults for sure, however im not ok with this behavior and apparently one of her “friends” whom I’ve met once and he was definitely on something came over today and took a shower in our house . I had no idea because she didn’t text me since before I got to work, I looked at her phone when I got home and I hate invading privacy but I had no idea what the hell happened at home and I’m pissed . I tell her all the time this is not a party house and I do not care if you drink but please don’t get crazy and she’s gotten drunk a few times since I decided to stop drinking . Feeling very defeated here and like i just want to run away .

Also, I feel for her very much . She’s been through a lot and I care for her so much . I love her to bits but there’s times where I just can’t with her . I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or anything but I’m just seeing things differently now and I don’t know if this will work out in the end because of these drunken nights amongst other issues …

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Hopefully your partner will see the benifits of your sobriety and follow your lead. All you can do is protect your sobriety and keep on ODAAT. Best wishes

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To be honest with you, she sounds out of control. She has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and she could really do with joining you on your sober journey.

You’re doing so well, but still at a time in your sobriety that you need a lot of support and encouragement from the people you love. At present, she is more of a hindrance than a help to you. Her behaviour could well cause you to relapse.

She is drinking so much she is putting herself in unsafe situations. She is driving under the influence, and blacking out. She is leaving herself very vulnerable in the house on her own, and with people you don’t seem to know very well. Why was this guy showering in your home? I thought that very… odd.

You just don’t need both dogs and your gf peeing all over the place.

I think it’s time for an ultimatum. She needs to join you on your sobriety journey, or you need to cut your losses and save yourself. This situation is no good, for either of you.

On a separate note, cngratulations on your 30 days sober, long may it continue! Best of luck :heart:

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There is no excuse for you to have to clean up her bowel movements. You are allowing this in your life by keeping her around. What worth does she assign to you knowing you have to clean up after her all the time. This will not improve she sobers up or you leave.

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You really should not in a situation where you clean out someone’s piss. That’s just not ok.

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That’s an extremely frustrating situation and I completely understand how you feel; anyone would feel the same. You are definitely not alone.

I’ve learned in my recovery that self-pity is a big problem for me. It’s the voice that says “it doesn’t matter, just act out, do the habit [my addiction behaviour], you’ve been through so much with your family and your life, no one would hold it against you - it just makes sense that you would do this little habit after all the big stuff you’ve had to endure”.

“You’ve been through so much, this is just a little habit, what does it matter; just this one time”

That voice has been floating through my head for decades, but I only just recognized it for what it is (self-pity) recently.

I gave him a name: “Pity Pete”. I find giving him a name helps me detach myself from him. Now I say, “I hear you Pity Pete but I’m not gonna be doing that. I’m going to listen to my Sexaholics Anonymous podcast, or call one of my SA contacts, or _____.” He’s a part of my mind and I expect he’ll always be a part of me in some way, but I am learning to take him out of the driver’s seat.

I’m not special. I don’t get a special pass for my behaviours; I don’t get an exemption that says I can do hurtful, neglectful things (things that are also potentially traumatizing to my loved ones - which would continue the trauma cycle). The simple fact is that life is hard and often traumatizingly so. I am not saying that is “right” and I’m not saying that’s how things should be, but it is the way things are. I’m one of literally hundreds of millions of people worldwide who’ve had a hard life.

But the point of life isn’t about what it “should be”. The point of life is about what you do with what you have. (It’s like sitting in a kitchen saying “this flour, sugar, and eggs should be cookies”. Can you imagine how crazy it would be if someone sat in a kitchen just saying that to themselves? All you have to do is work the steps and combine the ingredients and do the work of cooking, and then you get cookies. Life isn’t about what things “should be”. It’s about making choices with what you have.)

I know from hearing the stories in my SA group and from my SA daily call partners that there are people in recovery for years - they have years of sobriety - who’ve been through really rough stuff. They’re not special either. Recovery is simple (it’s not easy - it takes consistent daily effort and some of the work is emotionally very tiring - but the tasks are simple) - recovery is simple, and anyone can have it if they’re willing to say “I want to do better; I want to be alive and growing; I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of self-pity and numbing myself in my addiction”; if they’re willing to make that choice and they’re willing to do the work.

Life is also about making courageous choices about the things you can control. (Most things in life you cannot control. For example, you cannot control other people’s choices or their behaviours.) It sounds to me like you have a choice to make. You know the script with your girlfriend. The question is whether you want to continue being part of this script, or if you want to take some time apart, as a break, just to get some space and some perspective.

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Not a reason to continue this. Just wanted to make that crystal clear.

At some point in your past, you learned and internalized an idea that the misbehaviour or neglect of others was somehow justified by your “faults” or imperfections. This (untrue) belief is what’s making you say things like this :point_up_2:

All humans have imperfections. That is not a reason for other people to be neglectful. There’s a difference between a sincere mistake (“sorry honey I forgot to get chicken at the grocery store”, or even “sorry son I was late getting home from work and you had to wait in the garage because I haven’t made you a house key yet” - actually happened to me; I was scared; my father was apologetic and got me a key the next day; it was a sincere mistake, not a neglectful one) - there’s a difference between a sincere mistake, and neglect.

Neglect is not healthy; it is dysfunctional. Neglect is more than just forgetting to do some household task, or even forgetting someone’s birthday (all of which are relatively harmless in a relationship where both partners are present and participating). Neglect is a long-term pattern of not taking responsibility for what it means to be in a human relationship.

Hundreds of millions of humans have been through rough stuff. None of it justifies neglect. There is no situation where anyone gets a free pass on neglect. We all just show up and make effort in our lives and be present with each other. That’s called being alive and taking responsibility. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present.

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Sobriety often opens our eyes to behaviors we once thought acceptable; in our selves or those around us.

This is a sensitive situation, not only are you building a relationship with another person, your building your future together. The million dollar question is, How do you want that future to look?

Congrats on a month of sobriety! That first month is a great milestone!

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How are things @Sixela19998?

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