I think I may have a problem. Didn't see that coming!

I am 44 years old.
I think I may be dependant on pain killers.
I Have taken them for a decade only once or twice a week. But this lockdown has given me too much downtime. I took enough to make me really sleepy for about a day so I decided to stop. Then in about 36 to 40 hours I felt… Anxious. It took me about 4 hours to figure out that it might have been withdrawal symptoms. So I took a couple pills and felt better.
I didn’t know that was a thing.
I didn’t know I was to the point where if I stopped I would feel withdrawal.
So now I’m kinda flipped out a little bit.

I don’t want to stop entirely cuz up until now I had never gotten out of control. But the withdrawal symptoms make me feel like this may be a bigger part of my life than I thought. Again, the lockdown has caused me to be using 2 to 3 times what I was doing before.

So, I’m kinda lost at the moment.
Pain killers were the only thing that works with my body chemistry that helpes me relax.
Wine gives me headaches and just makes me feel icky.
I got a legit medical marijuana card a couple years ago and turns out I am one of the very few who is “allergic” to it. So I go out of my head in a bad way. I either feel nothing or I end up in a ball in my couch crying for 3 hours with no control of what I’m doing. Me and weed do NOT mix.

So, for a decade pain killers have been my one vice. My version of a glass of wine, or weed to relax. Nothing else works for me.

To face that I may have to cut out the only thing I have that gives me occasional relaxation/ escape, really bums me out.

I think I have to stop, but I also don’t want a life with NO occasional indulgences.

So… Boo!