I was alcohol-free for 9 months, then the crisis started again. not every day but too often misfires.
I drank this Tuesday again. It is so difficult and it hurts so much for myself and the disappointment and anger to see and feel at my partner. the many reproaches he makes to me and tells me that he can’t trust me anymore. all good times and all good are wiped out.
I try to endure it, it’s my fault too, but it’s hard and now I’m also beginning to believe that he’s right and I’ll never make it and I’m a hopeless case
… I do not know … I thought I would write this from the soul.
Your partner is deeply hurt, I’m sure. And it is hard. Recovery requires work. Transformation requires work.
But if you want it, you can have it. You can recover, and be sober. You are not “broken”, and this is not your fate if you don’t want it to be. You are in the right place here - many people have been in your shoes.
yes i want sobriety and i want to get well … more than anything else. I’m also in therapy to work out what I want to displace with the alk.
life is so much nicer without alcohol. but i’m so afraid of the guilty feelings and i don’t want to lose my relationship. but maybe everything is already too late
Hi @Kakashi, your sadness and hopelessness speak to me. I’ve definitely been where you are. I’m also in therapy and know how much hard work it is to deal with the underlying issues of fear and shame. As I am sure many here do aswell. As @Mephistopheles as already pointed out: there is hope, for you and for everyone of us! It is in the book, in community, communication, and in your own strenght and self-respect. It is to be had and the potential for it does not go away, not through a relapse or ever. Nine months is a mega achievement to be proud of and learned from. Why did you drink Tuesday? Look hard. Be honest with yourself. Then hope hard again, too. You may!
One of the very real things that we have to face is that our actions do not affect us alone - He has been with you…and anger arises from a root of various feelings:
Frustration, the feeling of distress or annoyance when being unable to change or achieve something.
Betrayal, the feeling of having ones trust and confidence violated
Fear, the feeling of apprehension or concern over an unwanted situation
Guilt, feeling responsible for an interpreted wrongdoing
Pain, experiencing harm
Discussing angry emotion, however, opens a window of trust and creates an opportunity for connection.
It sounds like you both are feeling that your cups are being emptied and not much is refilling them at the moment…however, you are not enduring this alone. You are not unable to turn around from here.
You found your way here Kakashi. Welcome! For me the first step towards recovery was realising I couldn’t do this alone. Finding this place has given me a platform to share with others who are in the same boat as me. Here we know. Together we’re strong. Together we can do this. Alone it is too much. I know. You know. Let’s do this together! I’m glad you’re here with us. It’s a starting point for a better sober life. hugs.
Oh my dear, that voice, that voice telling you your not good enough, you’ll never make it, it is your alcohol voice. It is not your true self. I believe we all have those thoughts when we give our A/V that power. Learn to separate it from your true self and you will shut it down. I read in one of my books today its like a wolf. You starve it and don’t feed it it’s liquid strength and it gets quieter and quieter until you know that truth and what it’s tryin to tell you to get you to drink. YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU CAN DO THIS! don’t listen to that voice that is slimy and conniving.
Thank you for your message. I hope you are right and there is new place for trust again.
it started to get difficult in november. I tried a lot and hope for a breakthrough … a shutdown and this shit! … whenever I feel better I press … as I call it … the red alk button … and hate myself a little more for it.
Together we are strong. … i miss the meetings at the blue cross during this time … it is always so good … but of course they don’t take place at the moment. it is all the nicer to hear it here and to see again that i am not alone in this world with the problem … and the many positive examples of people who have made it.
We can all make it, one day at a time. There is no magical finish line, the closest we can get is truly realizing that we’re powerless to alcohol and always will be. 9 months is amazing, but so is just being sober today. Do the next right thing and life will fall into place as it’s meant to. You got this.
do you know the feeling of fear that you break before reaching the goal?
before that i’m afraid … afraid of falling and breaking … afraid not to make it out of the hole anymore
I do have long term goals but they will never happen if I don’t meat my daily short term goal of staying sober. I guess that’s my most important goal, staying sober for today.
Sure I have fear of things, but they are things that haven’t happened yet, they may never happen, so when that starts to set in I tell myself that I don’t need to borrow problems.
Many of us here thought it was hopeless at one point, trust never to be returned. A bit of a cliche, but true, if u are breathing, there is hope. That u were sober for 9 months is a great sign u CAN do it. Add extra help this time around, online meetings, this app, etc.
thank you very much
Thank you for your lovely words! … I will read this more than once.