Hi all. I’ve noticed that every time I relapse, I not only do more damage to my body (I’ve been shitting out my stomach lining for the last week). But I’m making increasingly stupid decisions.
Case in point; I wanted to do something special for my 50th birthday. I haven’t been with a woman since 1997, and I thought getting laid would be fun. I knew of a prostitute in the neighborhood but kept her at arm’s length in spite of her advances. I’d had 90 days clean and wanted to stay that way.
Until my birthday came around. Long story short, nothing happened, I spent a fortune, she paid me back with a check which naturally turned out to be stolen. So I owe my bank, lost my apartment, and she managed to steal my wallet.
Why can’t I stop doing dumb shit? Sorry for the rant, I needed to talk.
I don’t think you’re beyond help. I know that I sure thought I was, legal problems, financial disarray, eviction, even my own mom washed her hands of me, lost my kids to child services… I was only good at staying drunk really.
I was a real piece of work, but I’ve been sober for about 860 days and life’s totally turned around.
If a cellar dweller drunk like me can get sober, so can you.
What have you tried to get sober? What are you willing to do to stay sober?
Thank you for getting back to me.
After losing my apartment (the 7th one in 5 years) Two of my sober friends let me move in with them. They’re a big help! Of course I had plans I now have to cancel (I was going to backpack in lake Tahoe) so I can pay rent. Their advice was to forgive myself and move forward.
I usually do that when I screw up, but I really did it to myself this time. 
You’re being given a blessing, in the present. The past is what it is, a learning experience, use your today to give yourself a better possible tomorrow.
No one is too far gone, to old, to fucked up to get sober. Even if a terminally ill cirrhosis patient makes the choice to get sober and dies 12 hours later, they died sober.
You can get sober, you can stay sober, you deserve the life you want to live. Sieze the day friend.
Sounds like you have some really great friends. They obviously believe you have it in you!
There is wanting though, and there is doing. Sounds like you have been trying to stop for a while. What have you tried? Might help you to understand what you could do differently this time 
I do consider this a blessing. Their place is a bit cramped. (They’re kinda hoarders), but I seriously need some experience, strength, and hope right now.
@siand: I’m a chronic relapser. Longest I’ve been sober was a year and a half. I’m going to focus on a stronger relationship with my Higher Power. I don’t pray on a regular basis and I gave up on meditation because my mind won’t calm down.
So do you do AA meetings?
Meditation isn’t about calming your mind,it is about accepting your mind is busy I have a guest pass for the Calm app which I can send you if you’d like to try it. Like most things, it gets easier with regular practice. Although I haven’t been practicing regularly for a while.
If meditation isn’t your thing though then there are plenty of activities that can help do a similar thing. Gardening, DIY, walking, creating, writing, yoga, running, cycling… Anything that helps keep you here now, a point to come back to when your mind wanders.
Why do you think you keep relapsing?
Likely self-esteem. I always fall off the wagon right when I get my stuff together. Perhaps part of me doesn’t believe I deserve stability.
Ok, so what support network do you have in place? How can you build it?
I’m feeling much better now. A few days with sober friends, and constantly reciting the serenity prayer (their advice) got me in a better frame of mind. So I’m focusing on repairing the damage and moving on.
Thanks for your help! 
as far as meditation is concerned I was the same as you having a busy mind and then I read its not always about emptying your mind and tripping off to the land of zen, it can be about sitting with your thoughts and watching them, you’ll have dozens of thoughts and emotions rush through your mind every few seconds where did it come from why did it appear how did it affect you, is it even relevant or of any use to you at all. then it’s gone and on to the next one. Thoughts are very random just like life. We learn to not so much control thoughts but just being able to filter the negative ones out and holding onto the positive ones will start to Change your emotions bc emotions are the bi product of thought and actions are the bi product of healthy emotions. We rarely feel a sense of achievement when we are having a bad day so imagine every day to be a good one.
That is good news. All these little bits can add up and propel us forward in our sobriety. Sounds like you have some great friends!