So im almost a year sober, yay. But my other shitty coping skills keep coming back. My self harm got really bad over the summer but its been ok lately, no slip ups in like 2 months. But know i think my eating disorder is coming back. Ive always been kinda chubby and used to be bulimic, i used to binge and then purge via overexercising til i passed out. Lately I’ve been restricting bad, like 500-1000cals a day, starving for 24-36hrs at least once a week. I want to tell my therapist but also it feels so good to be losing weight again. Today i had a panic attack cause a salad i made ended up being double the calories i thought itd be (still under 1000 today) and that cant be healthy. I know what i should do but im scared. It feels good and it shouldn’t but i feel in control. Honestly idk what to do. If anyone has advice or even some comfort thatd be lovely. My mom and my friends are starting to worry and i dont want them to. I just want to be stable, my mental health feels like a game of whack a mole right now. One thing down, bam a new issue.
Hi havent much experience with eating disorders but id say while you say its good and you feel in control (sign of all addictive behaviour) you also know its not good or healthy and really dangerous my advice would be to seek help from your doctor ASAP to really get control and be healthy. I wish you all the best
I came from bulimia and anorexic background that nearly killed me but got those into revovery and BOOM alcoholism took their place.
Id recommend you tell your therapist as they could help you on this and look at the underlying driver.
Also look at stuff with Tim Spektor etc as its not calorie counting that works and you know that control and high from calorie restriction means our brain drops off functioning esp rational thinking, emotional regulation so we THINK we are being clear but we’re seriously not.
So this may sound totally left feild but has adhd/asd ever been mentioned or suspected? Theres huge correlations and soome recent recommendations is to test for neurodiversity when addiction presents… was a game changer for me. Im still an addict i just have an understanding of my brain that makes sense!
Keep reaching out , those urges do pass even tho they tell you they wont.
I spent a lot of my life feeling like I am spinning plates with poor coping strategies. If I’m not drinking I’m binge eating. If I’m not binge eating I’m doom scrolling. I really understand losing weight and that feeling good and then it getting out of control (I realised my thinking was getting fucked up when I was inwardly furious my daughter made me an ice cream sundae because I was more concerned about the extra calories than accepting her kindness).
I am still a work in progress but something that really helped was deciding that beating the disorder was more important than my weight. I didn’t weight myself for a year, and while I tried to exercise and eat wholefoods, if I wanted to binge I allowed myself to eat as much as I wanted so long as it was actually a meal, and if I did binge on sweet things I didn’t allow myself to restrict after. I managed to slowly reduce the extremes of the binge-restrict cycle this way and feel stable around food. After which I began to eat on a very small calorie deficit to lose weight. Any time I felt paranoid about weight or calories I stopped the deficit and spent a month focussing on my relationship with food. It was and is a long ass journey. This holiday season I found myself struggling again. But instead of going down a rabbit hole of guilt I am choosing again to focus on the relationship to food holistically. Am I eating plenty of veggies? Am I eating home cooked meals? Am I being open about what I am eating? Etc.
control can feel really securing when life is chaotic - are there loose ends in your life that you can tie up? other areas that need your attention where controlling certain personal or interpersonal boundaries in a healthy way can take the focus away from the unhealthy control mechanism you’re using, while also providing an alternative form of control that your psyche needs but that’s actually healthy? you need security, we all do. that requires some level of control. maybe see where you can do that in areas of your life that will be healthy for you. 