I turn into a monster when I drink

Hi I’m Dan,

This is the start of my journey to better myself. Yesterday whilst celebrating my birthday I got drunk again. I turned into a monster and broke my beautiful girlfriend down. Not physically but emotionally. I said some terrible things to her and I can’t work out why I would say these things when I actually worship this woman while sober. I have woken up today and vowed this is my time to change my ways and enjoy life again. I feel so low after drinking and was about to swallow all of my pills (lapse in judgement) I hate myself for the way I behave when I drink but always try to convince myself that I will be ok this time. Truth is I won’t ever be ok. I have joined here to draw strength from everyone else that is currently fighting to better themselves. I would regularly use cocaine if I was drinking and they seem to go hand in hand with me. Today I stop all of it. I am hoping to help others whilst posting my progress and if anyone has any tips or advice that has helped them then please do share it with me. Good luck everyone

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You are making a great decision. I doubt alcohol ever did a whole lot of good for anyone really…

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Glad to have you with us. You’ve made the right decision to stop drinking, but, you can’t do this alone, please consider going to a local AA meeting, where you will get all the support you need on your sobriety journey. Stopping drinking is easy, it’s the staying stopped is the hard part, you’ll always get support and advice here but nothing beats face to face with another alcoholic.
Good luck and stay positive.

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I wish you the best of luck!I am coming up on 2 months sober and I too was evil when intoxicated! I feel your pain.:sparkling_heart::raised_hands::muscle:

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Welcome! This a community full of help. Be active it will help.

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Well done on 2 months sober. If you don’t mind me asking. How often did you drink? Mine isn’t daily but when I did drink I would binge to get completely drunk.

Hi Dan! That sounds like a bad time, and I’m sorry it happened. It’s a bummer that it usually takes something awful happening to finally shake us awake enough to see how things really are, rather than how our alcoholic brains would like us to believe they are. I feel like when things like this happen we feel ashamed and horrified, and we want to take all our drunkenness and bad decisions and throw them in the garbage and get rid of them forever, but the best we can do is pack them into a box you can never get rid of because when you’re an alcoholic you’re an alcoholic. To continue the analogy I’d also say that especially in the beginning the box is sitting right in the middle of your metaphorical living room, and without help and support from others the best you can do is step around it all the time…but eventually you’ll want to peek inside again because it’s still right there. I think with help, support, perseverance and the right tools though you could throw like a nice blanket over it and make it kind of a janky college student end table.

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When it comes to sobriety luck has nothing to do with it. It comes down to willingness. What are you willing to do to get, and stay, sober?

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I know what this feels like all to well @Dan86 and like you I would ask myself why treat her like this? l love her more than anyone.

One day at a time, you will realize this more and more. We have many roles in life, but taking care of those who take care of us, should be highest priority, imo. All of the negative opinions and ideas I would have about my wife when I was loaded were my projections. THAT WAS ME I WAS ANGRY WITH. Once we quit drinking, we guit arguing and everything has gotten better.

Like @Englishd says though, its not luck, its hard work and determination.

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Welcome. You are making a positive change for sure. There are so many helpful threads here that you can read to get suggestions for early sobriety. My suggestion is read as many threads as you can … maybe it down when something speaks to you or sounds helpful. And most importantly, come here when you crave and get the urge…someone is always around and we can gather strength from others.

Glad you are here.

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After drinking too much i turn into the exact opposite of who i am…Sober Kelly is sweet, caring and loving …literally wont hurt a fly…drunk im violent, vicious and hurtful to people i love…a few people have told me that its like ive been possessed…i choose now to just be Kelly, its best for all concerned.

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I think the deeply wounded parts of ourselves come out when we’re drinking. Some people call alcohol a “truth serum,” but that’s bullshit. Alcohol has a way of exaggerating our negative emotions, and it biochemically “sucks” the serotonin from parts of our brain that is responsible for executive functioning. Such as our impulses, thoughts and behaviors. Essentially, we are not ourselves when we’re inebriated but the things that we do when we’re drinking is very much real. If you are a problem drinker, (you’re on here so I assume that you are.) I would suggest looking at the Cost/Benefit analysis worksheet from SMART Recovery. It might be a beneficial first step into figuring out what it is that you want. Becauae if you keep drinking and treating your girlfriend like this (or worse, because it can get worse, I know of that from personal experience) she will leave you or you’ll go to jail or both. Time to make a choice.

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Hi Dan welcome to the forum pal. We’re all here fighting the same fight. Some against different opponents but the fight is the same. To kick addictions ass for 24 hours every day.

Keep it simple, get a plan, stay away from the drink and drugs no matter what. Its a wonderful life if you want it

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Thanks for being open and honest, hearing each others stories is part of what makes this place great and helps people feel strengthened together. I hopped on this afternoon because I was feeling some guilt about my last time drinking 16 days ago. I know it’s just my mind overthinking and not forgiving myself so instead of letting it consumer me I immediately jumped on here and spent a few minutes reading and interacting with the community and I feel better. Maybe not 100% but better than if I sat alone with my guilt and regret and didn’t stop to forgive myself and let the past stay where it is because I can’t change it. All I can do is make choices now that are better for myself and in turn the people I love!

That’s the power of this community and of recovery groups. It’s easy to think you may not have a problem if you look at your habits and justify it to yourself. Getting on here helped me realize even more that I was making similar decisions and having similar experiences to other people and it wasn’t normal. Grateful to have you with us, stay connected and live one day at a time (ODAAT!)

Jake

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Hey Dan,

I’ve been in your shoes before, destruction is a natural response from addiction and mental health dude. Yes it is your fault but you don’t need to feel like a monster, people do evil things and it doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad it means that the alcohol is inhibiting your choices.

I would recommend going to a meeting where you can meet people that have experienced this and can help you out, first step is admitting you got a problem, welcome dude.

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I was exactly the same! Drunk me is 1000% a different person to sober me. I would treat my husband horribly and its a wonder he didn’t leave me but i got a wake up call and decided never again- the pain of what I was doing to him was just too much
We now have the best relationship all from removing alcohol- it really does change your life and you will thnak yourself and forgive yourself in time too.
Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time :sunflower:

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Thank you Paws for sharing. It really is as though I become someone else. I am a very lucky man to have a partner who is willing to stand by me. I am so happy for you and I will also experience the best parts of life! One day at a time.

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