I want to stop feeling like a fraud

Advice & Questions
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I first worried that I had an alcohol abuse problem around 2008, and secretly took myself to AA while my partner was at work. It changed nothing for me beyond planting a seed that I had an issue, and something had to change. But I kept drinking nightly—sometimes more, sometimes less—along with my partner. I was in the food business for a long time and having wine every night was just part of the deal. I eventually developed high BP, parathyroid disease, and a whole host of other alcohol-related physical issues, but I kept drinking. I was the primary caregiver to an abusive elderly parent, who died last year, and I believed that when she died, I’d stop drinking. But I haven’t. Instead, I’ve thought “Oh now that she’s gone, I can drink normally.” Which clearly isn’t the case.

I have had spates of sobriety and then I fall down the “f**k it—I can drink like everyone else” rabbit hole and I’m back at square one. A few months ago, I finally decided to do intensive outpatient rehab at a highly acclaimed place near where I live. I did the intake, etc, and the week before I was supposed to start, the admissions director just stopped returning my calls. It feels like a bad joke.

I have a regular AA home group—a women’s group that meets online daily—but even they’re getting tired of my going in and out, and no one particularly trusts me anymore. That hurts, but I get it. My partner (who has also acknowledged her drinking issue) and I swear we’re not going to drink or that we’re going to “stop for a while” and then we’re right back at square one.

I don’t know how to move forward. Any help/advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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Hi there, I’m glad you are here! :heart:

Alcholism really is cunning, baffling and powerful. It makes zero logical sense that we’d keep drinking after we’ve seen negative impacts in our lives and our bodies-but I know I personally kept drinking even with that. It really takes a hold of us! And, it ultimately want to take everything from us, including our lives.

All I can share is my own journey.

When I finally commited to not drinking after being unsuccessful for years, I immersed myself into the sober community here and did whatever it took to end my my day sober. I hadn’t done either before. I took it one day at a time, and honestly still do!

It wasn’t easy. I drank with my live-in boyfriend at the time every day, drank with all of my friends, my family-I was surrounded by alcohol allllll the time. I had to really want to be sober and commit, not listen to the fuck-it’s or lies I told myself about how I could drink, and put distance between me and the bottle. That often included the people I drank with and those places I drank too. Home was hard-I couldn’t avoid there, but I committed regardless of what decisions he made-I was going to stick with it. I reached out for support and talked to many others in recovery every single day.

I went to a few AA meetings in the beginning for a girlfriend who was also looking to quit drinking, and I saw some incredible hope for staying sober in those rooms! But I wasn’t fully ready to ditch my own ideas yet and surrender to a new way, so I didn’t stay there at that time. It was honestly a miracle I stayed sober, but I did so by having a network of people I connected with here since I wouldn’t do AA. Reaching out to others on this same journey with complete honesty about where I was at, looking at my thinking, and working through doing whatever it took to end my day sober-one day, hour or minute at a time-that truly saved my life.

When I hit my 2 year sober mark, I finally surrendered and started the step work in AA. Boy, going all in at that point with a sponsor changed everything for me! I wasn’t willing, until I hit a new low point (even in sobriety) and realized I was the only common denominator in my life and I had to be the problem. But I didn’t know what to do about that, so I literally prayed to whoever was out there listening to help me. I didn’t know if it was God, the angels, my dad or aunt that both died from alcoholism, etc. But I prayed sincerely and I asked for help. I was brought to AA the very next morning through a string of undeniable synchronicity, and I was all in. I was finally willing to stop doing things MY way, because the continued misery in my life finally showed me that my way wasn’t working. I surrendered to doing things differently.

That said, one day at a time has added up to 8.5 years without alcohol now-which is wild to me! It can be done. And we are never meant to be in alone.

I’m turning the same age that my dad died at just few days before my next sober anniversary…so long as I continue doing what works and live in my recovery every day. It keeps me away from a drink, and it only works if I work it. But I’m feeling the gratitude in my heart that I get a chance to truly live by doing that. Many, many others I’ve loved never got the chance to. :heart:

I’m glad you’re here! Stick around. Read some stories and see what worked for others. We all have our own path to walk, but that helped me learn by their shares of what worked and what didn’t.

Just don’t give up.

I know that you can do this and you are worthy of a sober life too. :heart:

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Thank you - I am nothing if not a cynic, and when I hear the words from the big book (“cunning, baffling, powerful”) I tend to roll my eyes, And then I realize: it is spot on. I appreciate your words.

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just sending you love, BeefCheeks. I’m not sure I’m qualified for too much advice. I’ve never attended a single AA meeting in my life and I’m quite hostile towards it for myself (for those for whom it works it’s obviously fantastic). You might have a look at SMART Recovery as an alternative framework. I’ve looked at it and found some hopeful, useful stuff.

It’s rough what that clinic did to you. That’s not good enough, you’re right to be upset.

It took me quite a long and winding road (ahem!) to find some sobriety and in the end I can look back at it as all useful, all some sort of positive step in its way.

Good fortune. Post how you do. I have found support here useful in my own struggles.

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I was the same way as @MandiH last time I was sober. I wasn’t really into meetings and didn’t think I needed them and I was almost to 2 years so same time frame she was talking about except I chose to shut myself off from the sober community and I spiraled into a 2 year relapse. Nearly 30 days ago I decided to try meetings this time, I mean hell I knew I was back in a worse place than the last time I drank and I had been trying to start sobriety for months but just couldn’t do it, couldn’t get that 3rd day.

I’m not saying what works for me or anyone else works for you because you’ve obviously been to meetings. Even my sponsor admitted to me “Jake I don’t know what’s best for you all I can do is help you learn and understand the steps which are suggestions but beyond that I’m here to help you walk your own path.” I really appreciated that because basically he said I’m not going to sit here and dictate to you, I’m going to teach you a bit and help you figure out what’s best for you. All I know for me is this time around having given the program a fair shot and applied myself with a little bit of willingness even, I’ve found a lot of peace in the last month and discovered some pretty revealing things about myself and my drinking. Wishing you the best :heart:

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Deeply grateful for your kind note. Thank you.

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Hi BeefCheeks!

Fellow cynic here - although even that has gotten a bit less after 7+ years of discovery (my own term for recovery). I did NA meetings early on, but the 12 steps never did it for me - I’m too much of a loner, cynic and heathen for that. Buddhist (Recovery Dharma) was good for me, for a while. This place right here, Talking Sober, has been my main peer support group since day one of my sobriety. What works works, and this works for me. Social anxiety meant this was a safe environment for me for one.

Why sobriety stuck for me, why it worked, I’m not even sure. Towards the end of my drinking career I did come to the conclusion that I was heading towards my death. Plain and simple. And I didn’t want to die yet. I knew I functioned rather badly in life, especially socially, bad functioning that was perpetuated by drinking, by being caught in the same vicious circle for decades. I knew I needed to break out. I understood escaping would begin with quitting drinking.

So I had a goal when I quit. A goal beyond sobriety, Maybe that has something to do with me succeeding. I wanted a better life for myself. I went into extensive therapy for my personal issues, different kinds of trauma therapy, schema therapy, somatic therapy. Took me some years but I’ve changed considerably. While still being myself too. I function much better, found space within myself, dare to take space outside myself.

I am absolutely certain I can not drink like people who don’t have a problem with alcohol. I’m built differently. And the longer I am quit, the less I miss drinking too. I’m not missing anything. Life is honestly so much better for me sober. Every year sober, drinking feels further away and less attractive. Actually it’s becoming the opposite. Beginning to feel more and more repulsive. Never again. One day at a time. Wishing you all success. Hugs your way friend :heart:

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Awesome post @MandiH Thank you for this honest share. :pink_heart:

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I have no words i can think of to discribe that this shere helped me.

Today is 5 days sober after a slip that happened after 2 years of solid sobriety.

I was slipping and i felt my pain growing but i didnt understand it to be what it was.. it was confustion and weakness and pain and massive regret. I heard the words with my ears but still couldnt see it. After reading this im almost happy i fked up on measly pot and not worse. I almost bought a cigar and litterally balled my eyes on the phone to an AA acquaintance about a few days before my relaps with pot.

The problem with me is that i look for the trouble. I really like to be loud. Im a smart ass. Im really good at both. Then i have a sence of freedom when i feel accompanied with my attention that im looking for at that moment.

I complicate things so much in the way i look at them that i actually lie to myself. Ill say things like, ill never do this or that again but ill do them again eventually.

I had a long day today. My sobriety date is September 25th 2026. My date before that was September 12th 2024.

My least favorite months are September and October.

I did some self reflecting today and found, when im sober im happy, when im under the influence im sick. The reason why when i get high and it never works out is because, it was never meant to. Just because i can, doesnt mean i should.

I want to just keep talking but ill stop here

Thank you for shereing mandi
And i 100% know something, god, angel, something did hear you when you prayed that day.

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This is common for folx of our ilk. It was easy for people to not trust me because I wasn’t trustworthy at the time. It took a long time to earn that trust back.

I was at a meeting yesterday and the topic was willingness. Initially my willingness was just about be willing to talk about all the things, but I didn’t have a willingness to follow through. In order for me to get sober I had to look at the things I wasn’t willing to do initially.

Rather than looking at the things you are doing that haven’t worked have you considered the things you aren’t doing?

Consider inpatient rehab, IOP, getting an in person sponsor, working the steps, etc. I bet if you take an honest look you’ll find some gaps

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This was beautiful. Thank you. :folded_hands:t2:

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A few months ago, I finally decided to do intensive outpatient rehab at a highly acclaimed place near where I live. I did the intake, etc, and the week before I was supposed to start, the admissions director just stopped returning my calls. It feels like a bad joke.

I did try IOP, and the above is what happened. But thank you. :folded_hands:t2:

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When I went to my final rehab I was so desperate to get in that I woke up every morning and called them immediately, begging them to come pick me up and take me to rehab. After two weeks of daily calls they finally had a bed.

I was willing to do what it took.

There’s many many many IOPs out there. How many have you called today?

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Is this a test?

I called upwards of eight of them, and did the intake – with insurance approval, doctor involvement, etc – on one that is highly rated in New England, where I live. I’m sure you’re trying to help, and I appreciate it, but your scolding tone is not a help. Thank you, though.

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