I was going through my phone. I’ve been slowly weeding through 11,000 pictures…and that is just my camera portion! 
I came across so many that made me stop and question…was I high?
Yes! In fact, I have so far picked out almost 300 that I knew I was high in!
But I want to share some of these photos. Each one was a important day or something I felt I COULDN’T do without pills.
This isn’t to dwell on the past. It’s to keep me motivated. In January, I will be celebrating 1 year without pills. 1 year learning again how to navigate life sober after 3 years.
My grandmother’s 70th surprise birthday party and 1 month after my wife and I got married. I had just started taking pills but not to get high. I blew my back out a week before this changing my sheets on my bed.
The first time we brought the kids to the Great Escape. My exhusband and his wife paid for it. I told myself that the pills helped me be able to ride the rides without pain (Lupus, arthritis, fibro and seizures) I ended up vomiting 3 hours in after taking 6 Vicodin and saying my blood sugar was low. We all had to leave because of 6 pills.
My surprise 30th birthday party. I had already started to withdrawal before it. I didn’t know it was happening. My wife knew someone who was going to it and asked her for one of her pills to hold me over. She ended up giving me 10 morphine. I snuck off to the bathroom, took it and hid until the withdrawals started to calm down. I told everyone I had got my period and apologized for taking so long.
My ex-husbands wedding. His wife asked me to be her maid of honor. We had all known each other prior to marriage. We spouse swapped.
My wife was married to his now-wife, I was married to him. We were neighbors. That’s that.
I had spent 3 days helping set up and make sure her makeup would be perfect. My wife did not want anything to do with this but was a good champ and stepped up. I told myself the pills where because I had slept on a air mattress for 2 days and I was in pain (I was). The pills “helped” me get through this wedding.
One of my many trips to my home state. I told myself the pills were helping me get through the pain of sitting in a vehicle for 2 hours and running around for 3 days. The pills actually made me feel happy and gave me the confidence to wear the outfit I was wearing and make me invisible. I had the confidence the whole time…I DID NOT need the pills.
We made Christmas cookies. I was starting to feel hot, my stomach was turning and I was shivering. It was 85 in my kitchen on December 24th, 2017. I was withdrawing while making cookies for Santa. I gave myself my Christmas present early. I now can bake and cook freely without worrying about withdrawals. My kids doesn’t deserve that. That was a cruel Christmas. I ran out that night and withdrawal the next day on Christmas.
Thanksgiving of 2018. I had pills but found my uncle had Percs. I stole 9 of them. He has metal plates in his neck and back. I stole his pain relief for my fun. It took me a long time to forgive myself. My Aunt told me she thought his son took them. I was so ashamed because she said he almost lost his prescription for the unaccounted pills.
While I was a functioning addict. That didn’t make it better. I not only hurt myself but I hurt so many others and almost destroyed someone’s life. I can say honestly that there are days I miss pills. Mainly for the pain relief. But I will never go back to them unless I absolutely need them and at that point, they would be controlled.
I hope these pictures help those who are struggling. So many have looked at them and thought " she is happy!" When really it was that I was high. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and accept what has been done. I’ve felt so much shame but found so much relief.
Please don’t go back to them. Don’t get back to drinking or shooting or snorting. Find your path to happiness and sobriety and keep going. You will get there and it will feel amazing. 
You’ve made a difficult journey, and all the pain that we often suffer from doesn’t always show on the outside. It’s a good thing for people to know and remember.