I was traumatized by my partner - what do I do now?

Emotional Support
,
1

After 8 years of struggling with bouts of depression, burnout, anxiety and feelings of hopelessness (which I tried to drown in certain beverages – been sober for close to 9 months now though), I started talking to a therapist like many times before. But unlike my earlier therapists, who focused on my work, my ADHD and my disabled children, this one quickly suspected my struggles have something to do with my partner.

After two months with weekly sessions, she told me my partner had caused me trauma. I didn’t believe her. I would know if I was traumatized, right? Sure, the first few years of our relationship were rough, but it’s not like I had been fighting in a war or anything.

But after a couple more sessions, I began to see that she was right.

Thanks to my therapist, I finally understood that anything that is shocking and frightening CAN cause trauma – It depends on who you are. I had a great upbringing and spent my life with safe, emotionally stable people, so the way my partner acted in the first few years of our relationship was shocking to me and changed me forever. He got angry and flustered because of small things, yelled at me, at his and my children, overstepped my boundaries, guilt-tripped me for saying no, made ridiculous rules (like what order you need to eat your food in), acted controlling and made going out with friends impossible, criticized me, questioned my decisions. I was terrified of his anger and his aggression.

BUT he was never physically violent and never insulted me directly. I think that’s what confused me so much. That and the fact that he’s not been like that for a few years now – except for the occasional slip-up.

But even though he’s changed so much, I’m still hyper vigilant when he’s in the house. I feel a slight but constant tension in my body, and whenever I open my mouth to speak, for a split second I think about my words to decide if it’s wise to say them, or if it’s safer to stay quiet, minimize an issue or adjust my reply.
I don’t feel I can be myself, not really, and deep down I’m prepared for being judged for every decision I make. Whenever I pick up frustration or anger from him, even if it’s not directed at me, my pulse goes up and I get scared. Like two days ago, when he dropped a can of soda in the driveway and I heard him curse outside, I got so scared I started crying – for NO reason.

Well, the reason is my trauma. It’s an automatic fear-response.

But now I feel lost and don’t know what to do. My therapist says I need to decide whether I want to work on overcoming this trauma and save the relationship or not. But I feel it’s impossible to make this decision and hope a few of you can give me a fresh perspective.

In most cases, it’s recommended to leave a relationship like this, but this recommendation is based on the fact that most abusers don’t change and keep triggering you, so it’s hard to recover. I truly feel like my partner has changed, and he’s come such a long way – but still, his presence alone is draining my energy, and whenever he shows a glimpse of frustration or anger I feel tense and uncomfortable, sometimes even scared. Every time he leaves for a few days, I feel relieved, like I can finally breathe and be myself again.

My therapist also asked me if I love my partner. And the truth is, I don’t know. We’ve been together for 8 years, so being with him feels very familiar. Maybe I’m just used to being with him. I know it’s strange not being able to answer that question, but I really don’t know if I still love him because I also know that I’m so mentally exhausted that I find it hard to identify what I’m feeling. I don’t want to give up eight years of hard work if there’s a solid chance that we can be happy together in the future – but on the other hand, I don’t want to waste years struggling and trying to fix something that can’t be fixed either.

Thanks for reading.

16 Likes
2

Is it possible for you to book yourself a getaway for a week? Go see a friend or go on a vacation? Spend all that time deciding how you feel. If you feel safer and better alone, it might be time to try it alone.

I don’t have the exact answer but I have been in a stay or go spot with an exhausting relationship. I left and my life is better for it but only you know your scenario.

Don’t put yourself or your sobriety at risk but it might be time to mull over some changes. Write out some goals for your future and see if your partner fits into those goals.

5 Likes
3

Since I have been sober, I focus on my own emotions first. Anytime I have tried to rationalize what someone else is doing it made me think of drinking. When I drank I thought I was making sense of other people’s drama. I don’t want to throw gas on the fire, you say you’re talking to a therapist already so I can only give you my point of view, and hope that it helps. If it’s jeopardizing my sobriety I leave it alone, whatever it is or whoever it is. I feel uncomfortable enough as it is. Focusing on myself makes sobriety easier, but relationships with others harder, and I have come to accept that and embrace it otherwise I will drink. Good luck

6 Likes
4

I’ve been back and forth on whether to comment. I feel like I could have written what you posted. I’m the flip side of @TrustyBird while they left the stay or go
situation. I stayed.

When I am by myself I am happy, content and not stressed. When he is home I am on edge, not myself and hardly talk. I isolate a lot, in my office or the bedroom. I have thought about leaving so many times because I know I would be happier by myself.

I have been back and forth with this for so many years. We have been together almost 14/15 years now, married 10. Things will be better or comfortable for a time being but they always go back to being not great. It feels like we have grown so far apart there is nothing for us to connect on. I have never thought I was being traumatized but after reading your post I’m starting to wonder if I am. I also can’t answer the do you still love him question. I simply do not know. I know I care for him and want no harm to come to him.

Of course no one can tell you what the right choice for you to make. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. Good on you for going to therapy and working through your trauma and staying sober. I know it must be hard

8 Likes
5

Thank you for this. I’m taking time to put myself first, take care of my side of the equation. At some point hopefully I’ll have more bandwidth to accept difficult situations and other’s emotions more fully, but I can’t do that if I fall off the wagon either!

OP, I hope you find whatever you need to take care of yourself, whether it’s time away or staying together or a bit of both.

2 Likes
6

@TrustyBird Thank you for your reply and your suggestion. My partner travels for work from time to time, so I’ve been alone (with my kids) for 1-2 weeks many times before, and every time I feel much better. “Lighter”. I guess that should tell me something important, but sometimes it’s hard to trust my own feelings. Great to hear you made a decision that improved your situation. <3

@Im_Just That makes perfect sense, and I think it’s good you give yourself, your own emotions and your sobriety the highest priority. Honestly, for a long time I thought it was my drinking that caused a lot of my emotional turmoil, but now that I’ve been sober for several months, it’s clear that it was more the other way round. Thank you.

@Runningfree I’m glad you did comment, thank you! Your words resonate with me, too. I don’t talk much either, I try to isolate myself as much as I can and keep myself busy. When he’s not here, I feel like an entirely different person. We’ve grown apart as well, mainly because I feel unable to be around him for a long time, so I distance myself in every way I can, so I can recharge a tiny bit, just enough to survive. Thanks again for replying. Simply knowing there are other people in a similar situation helps. I hope you find your way to happiness. <3

@justdoit1 Thank you, and you’re so right. I should be my first priority - and my health. <3

4 Likes
7

Thank you for sharing. It will be tough to explore this with your therapist, no matter what you decide to do, and I’d like to add another voice of support.

One of the reasons why I love these forums is the wisdom we offer each other–even as we struggle. You therapist seems to have uncovered something pretty foundational and it could be helpful to exolore further. Exploration does not mean that you need to make big decisions about your relationship–you could get to know yourself better with this new understanding. And, of course, things could change drastically. It’s hard to say.

I saw myself in your story but no therapist has been as sharp as yours. In my case, it will be almost 30 years. I stayed. He is changed now, but your line about your husband dropping a soda can and getting upset ran through my body. I, too, have a deeply visceral reaction to my partner’s “upset moments” even though he has not demonstated some of the scary behaviors in years (never directed at me-- mainly intense road rage, picking fights with strangers over some percieved injustice, breaking tech belongings when they didn’t work, etc).

You are not alone. It looks like your story resonates with others on this thread, too.

I hope you get the help you need. Here I sit, 30 years with a person I do enjoy most of the time, who I’m pretty sure I love, who does bring comfort and stability and who, when he’s got a micron of frustration in his aura, sets my entire nervous system on fire. I, too, can only feel like myself when I am alone. Until you posted, I thought I was over-reacting.

Thank you again for sharing and I hope you find the best outcome for yourself :rainbow:

p.s. I moved into my own room a few months ago and it has been a game changer. Not possible for everyone, but apparently more common than I thought

4 Likes
8

This line summarizes a lot.
You are not alone. I left and allthough I sometimes miss the (long gone) good times, I’m lightyears better off without my ex.
What helped me tremendously was to make an honest inventory of my life. Turned out that I was constantly exhausted, mostly hurt and frustrated from his ignorant and loveless behaviour. Long story short: This relationship turned toxic, I felt like the cooked frog and at one point my survival instinct took over.

I also isolated a lot because I could not be around him, I hate his drunken behaviour. We also had seperate rooms, which has pros and cons, in my case it deepened my feeling of loneliness and being rejected beside my beloved partner.

Take your time to have a good look and process all your relationship issues with your therapist. And when you constantly feel better, safer, relaxed, light without him: Leave. You only have one life.

Sending you strength :people_hugging:

3 Likes
10

What I gather from this is you are saying you are unhappy, unhappy, unhappy.

So … why do something if it doesn’t make you happy?

You and your kids are paramount, in my opinion.

Best of luck.

11

@Forgive_Yourself - I am so sorry you are struggling badly with this. Your story reminded me of a beautiful Alanis Morissette lyric where she sings:

“At that particular moment
I knew staying with you meant deserting me”

Personally, I have drawn and would always draw a line at not being able to be my natural self at all anymore. Only you can decide where that line is for you, but we are all here to support you :pray:

1 Like
12

I was wondering how you are doing @Forgive_Yourself
Thinking of you :sunflower:

1 Like