I wish dying was an option

Emotional Support
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I’m so, so tired. Attempts have never worked out for me. My last I couldn’t even get it right with the internet and a kitchen knife, still just landed myself in the hospital. Figured after that, life would just take care of me. But instead I got pregnant. Now I’m literally living for my son only. I have no family and no he only person who would have cared if I lived or died, died last year- my best friend for over 16 years.

I can’t ask for emotional help, last year after a double death, I asked for help and got the police called on me and arrested. I can’t get alcohol help in the area I moved to 2 years ago. People are nice enough in the meetings but that’s where it stops. Showing up to the meetings as the only black woman was uncomfortable but I valued my sobriety and I even got a sponsor who was okay with me because people didn’t like her for personal reasons. I was encouraged to reach out for connection, ask about other women’s days, etc., tried for 7 months until I started watching other newcomers come and have much different experience. They didn’t have to try so hard calling all the women because the women called them.

I grew up in care and I have so many bad images in my head that it makes me tired trying to push them out all day every day. It’s hard for me to know I will be alone forever, except for the one person that is dependent on me. And every day I think If I could just fucking die… but my son.

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Welcome back. You have been through such a lot, and are really hanging on by your fingernails, you deserve credit for that.
After you were in the hospital, were you given any information about counselling? What you could do next?
About meetings, you can do online ones. There are groups of various interests, from various areas, search around and find one that is a better fit for you.
You are a valuable person, who deserves to feel good in this short time we have on this rock on space. At the very least, check in often here. It is a big community, and it can take a while, but you will be able to find connections with people.

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I just want to tell you I love you. I don’t know the right thing to say so I’m just going to say what’s on my heart.

I can feel how your life hasn’t been easy. That you’ve had some really big struggles. And my HP is telling me that you are here for a reason. Your triumph is going to be bigger than your tribulations. You will overcome this and inspire others. And I just get this overwhelming feeling you aren’t going to be in this alone forever at all.

I know it’s hard right now but I strongly feel like something is going to shift for you in a big way. I don’t know how or what will change but I feel like something big is going to change for you.

For me, everything started to change when I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I know it’s not for everyone, but my entire AA experience has been online. Maybe I’m sharing this for a reason and that may be an option for you too love?

I know the road right now is hard but know that there are people out here that love you and are holding space for you my love. Hang in there. :heart:

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Hey @Djsun, sending you a big hug for a start! :people_hugging::heart:

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and you’re incredibly strong for still standing and reaching out on here my friend.

I developed deep-rooted trauma from my childhood due to a psycho father and disadvantaged circumstances, and was hopelessly lost for so long, even nearly ended my life once too. I just want to let you know that if you truly commit to yourself, you will shine! :seedling::sunflower: There’s so much more potential within you, waiting to be discovered, make it your life goal to find and empower it! We were born for so much more, the past and thoughts neither define us nor can ever stop us from learning and growing from them, and rising like a pheonix from the ashes… I suggest doing some soul-searching. It took me a lot of courage and commitment to slowly but surely find myself. But I’ve found my light at the end of the tunnel with enough time, love and effort. Trauma can be healed my friend, and you can shine like you’re meant to! Your very presence here is really appreciated, you’re NOT alone! You are worthy friend! Take a good look in the mirror and repeat to yourself: I will find you… I forgive you… I accept you… I embrace you… I love you… You are stronger and more special than you could ever imagine… Your very existence, life, consciousness and boundless potential! I don’t know your exact circumstances, who the people in your life are or where you currently are… If they’re toxic, consider distancing yourself for you and your son’s own good. Also please consider seeing a psychologist at least once… I know they’re not the cheapest and it can be daunting as hell, but there’s nothing quite like totally opening up to someone (who’s lifelong job it is) about your deepest struggles and fears. I’m not seeing one anymore, but the very act of going there and telling them what I was most afraid to tell them, was a super important stepping-stone for me…

If you’re on your own, journal to or ask yourself… How do I feel right now? If negative, then what’s causing these feelings? Try to understand the true origin. And finally, what would it take for me to overcome them and realize my best self and life from here on? What might your ‘ideal’ self do or tell you now? And slowly but surely work towards that, one small step at a time. You don’t have to see the full staircase, just take the first step - martin luther king.

A little list of self-help options to consider when you feel your mind wandering off track:
– Browse your specific circumstances, thoughts, feelings etc and tips to work through them on youtube or google. And don’t stop, you’ll find so much help…!
– Take a cold shower, can often snap you out of anything ^^
– Go outdoors, maybe for a walk, jog or other activity. Preferably in nature, so a park or along a river or track or something. Fresh air, sun, wind and space, seeing nature and life do it’s thing can be calming…
– Meditate. I know it’s hard to imagine if you haven’t tried it already, but please try to give it a go, if you never try you’ll never know… It can be guided via youtube, music or silent, up to you, the intention is to sit with yourself and learn to control how you react and feel. Start small, 5 or 10mins, or even just 10-20 seconds to get the ball rolling. :wink:
– Exercise. Maybe you feel demotivated, but it’s the cycle you want to break… Pushing yourself to achieve something, however small, gives you dopamine to do more. Maybe you can find motivation/a vent in exercising with longer walks, jogging, working out or learning a self defence sport? (the community and support there is amazing too btw!)
– Learn a new hobby, maybe experiment a bit with cooking something you haven’t tried before, try to learn an instrument, join a group of something you might consider interesting or fun, draw, have a lil think…
– Try to look after your most important and immediate needs: sleep, diet, tidiness and hygiene. Again, think and start as small as you need if all at once feels like a lot.

Here’s a little mindfulness practice I often do to keep my thoughts grounded (& there’s no right or wrong way to do it, you can be as specific or vague, and take as long as you like):
– What are 5 things you can see around you?
– What are 4 things you can feel?
– What are 3 things you can hear?
– What are 2 things you can smell?
– What’s 1 good thing about yourself?

Take it easy on yourself friend, hey, you’ve got this! You know you can… :people_hugging::heart:

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I’m glad you’re back and reaching out. Have you checked your community resources to see what they have to offer? Do you go to church? God is my higher power and Praying helps me. Please don’t give up on getting help. My daughter passed away and left her 4&5 year old children without their mom. My granddaughter wanted to take her urn with her to school because she wants to be with her mom all the time. :cry: My grandson stares at her picture when he comes to visit me. He said he’s sad when he sees her picture. It’s heartbreaking. Please keep fighting to get better. Your son needs you :heart: