… But just to make it clear, I didn’t! 103 days sober today 
I’m a songwriter, and in a Discord server for writers and musicians. I’ve been writing songs since I was 15. It’s always been an excellent way to get difficult feelings out on paper. 
So, the server does a weekly voice event where people can sing/play their songs every Tuesday evening. Night for me, since it’s about 5-6 pm for everyone else, and midnight in Norway. There are a LOT of talented people in there!
I was supposed to sing a song I wrote ten years ago, but the air is so dry at the time, so my voice refused to let me. Instead, I sat in my couch and listened in to people playing, writing a song about relapsing. It’s in Norwegian, though, but it’s about the parties I used to have where my cousin slept on my couch because he was too tired to go home, and my best friend who occasionally brings beer over and sits on my couch and drinks while I’m sipping tea or redbull. Me and him used to drink on Fridays until 10 am, then we used to go to the store and get more beer, then try to keep it going until we’d been binging for 24 hours.
I know. Not healthy at all, but that’s how we liked to spend the occasional weekend. Especially after my dad died a year ago. The weekend before his funeral I spent about 20 hours at my bestie’s place trying to finish a poem I wrote for my dad, that I was gonna read at the cemetery before his coffin was lowered.
My oldest brother, whom I’ve mentioned a few times here (the “dad” one), is the one I always tag in my newest song lyrics when I share them on Facebook. His feedback is the most important to me. The song I wrote on Tuesday is the most personal I’ve ever written, so it’s the first time I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to share it on FB. I’m afraid that if I share it, people aren’t gonna believe me that I didn’t actually relapse. But I shared it with my brother on messenger.
Completely forgot to point out to him that I didn’t write it from experience, but that I just imagined the worst-case scenario.
He immediately got worried, especially considering that I sent it to him at like 4 am. As if it had been another night where I’d been drinking. But I’d just been sitting up late trying to finish it while I was still inspired.
He told me that it was okay if I had relapsed, that it’s normal. Then he asked if I wanted him to call me later to talk about it. When I woke up and saw his messages, I told him that I didn’t actually relapse, but that I had just randomly put myself into the mindset I would have had if I did. Then I sent him a screenshot of the Sober app timer that was still going. He told me that he was proud of me. 
And those are words he rarely uses.
I have barely been able to think about anything else after I read his replies, and I messaged him an hour ago, telling him that I hoped he believes me that I didn’t relapse. He said he did believe me. The relief I felt 
I’m pretty sure nobody else would have. Because I always write about my life, trauma and past experiences. Basically, things that have actually happened.
A line from the song (titled “a song that nobody’s gonna hear”) goes about like this. Like I said, I wrote it in Norwegian, so the translation isn’t exact.
“I wrote a song
That nobody’s gonna hear
Fell off the wagon again
Now I stand on winter grounds
Slippery ice under my feet
No way to escape
Words I can’t take back
All my chances spent”
Honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it either after reading that 
Anyway, we’re having a big family birthday party on Saturday again! One of my brothers turns 41 next week, and he decided to share the “spotlight” with me since he knew I was sad that mom hasn’t made me a birthday cake in nine years.
Also! I planted sunflowers nine days ago. One of them is over 4 inches tall already! He’s beautiful a little wobbly, but he’s a growing boy. 
