Love ur numbers friend!!! I dont think i congratulated u on ur 90 days PMO free! Thats HUGE!!! So BIG congrats to u! Ur other timers are fantastic as well!
Hope ur mom does well at the appt today. That must be brutal for u both not having numbing agents work for u. Wow 
I couldnt imagine.
Hope ur day is as fantastic as u are!!!
YASSSSSSSSSS QUEEN!!
Those were made for your face Mama!
92 days PMO-free
43 days smoke-free
7 days nicotine-free
I’m in a foul mood.
I’ll feel better once my medicine kicks in. My morning routine was all messed up, and I started the day only partially medicated. But we’re all good now.
I’ve spent the morning with my Mom. Which means I’ve spent the morning defending my very reasonable boundaries, and fighting to keep them. For example, I don’t want to eat fast food every single day. Lord knows she shouldn’t either! I kept telling her “no.” and “no, thank you.” or “the most I will go is Chipotle”. She tried every manner of emotional manipulation; but, I grew up with her borderline personality tactics.
Not today, Satan.
I had the most magical experience at the hospital! 3 crows approached me while I was sitting in the parking lot. 
Wild crows approached me! I didn’t have anything shiny to give them, but I gave them a couple cherry flavored drops. That’s all I had to give! They even bounced up to the car door and side eyed me…it was so magical. I’ve had three crows follow me most of my life; but this was the first time they’ve ever come that close!!! I will willingly let them eat me alive. Maybe today, Satan. That’s how much I love them!
I’ve killed a bag of baked chips.
I’m not even sorry.
No saturated fat, low carb and sodium.
I could have done worse.
Besides it’s the only thing I’ve eaten today.
Sorry not sorry.
I spent the morning with a dementor and came home to a dementor…
I’m still sober.
My patronus is either a crow or a manatee. And it’s not a memory that I have, it’s a memory I want to make.
Living as a free gay man, openly, in my own apartment where I can garden and tell everyone that crosses my very reasonable boundaries to fuck off ! Where I can get into arguments with my cats about how they’re eating too much wet food and that the dry food is still available. Where I can create a safe space that smells good and feels warm and loving. Where there is coffee in the morning and tea in the evening. Where the atmosphere is filled with gay laughter about gay problems and with gay people who understand them.
I want to be around people my age. I don’t want to explain why “ew, David" is an appropriate response to almost everything.
Ugh. This medicine isn’t kicking in fast enough. 
Well I’m going to enjoy the beautiful day. My sister is going to bring her dog to meet mine. Yikes! Let’s see how this goes.
Y’all have a beautiful day!
93 days PMO-free
44 days smoke-free
8 days nicotine-free
I enjoyed going to the gym this morning. I reflected on how privileged I am to be able to not only have access to it; but also to be able to spend as much time as I’d like there. Yesterday I was rushed because of my urology appointment, but it was still a great fitness day. I must cool it down a bit on the elliptical, it’s easier on my knees, but after this morning — they’d like a break! I about fell on my face trying to do squats! 
I can pop it.
I can lock it.
I can drop it.
I ain’t gettin’ back up though!
Today I have therapy. I look forward to exploring why I do the shit that I do; and ways to avoid self-sabotaging and embracing a healthy, successful, and blessed life.
I looked at jobs yesterday and ended up with a panic attack. That was self-sabotaging. I cannot sustainably work; it’s not like I refuse to work. And, although I do feel compelled to explain that to others; I most have to keep reminding myself. I have a personality disorder that I will have for my entire life.
I am hopeful that I’ll be whole and all my alters integrate. I’m hopeful that I can cross DID off of my list of diagnoses. In fact, I’m hopeful that I can cross of the majority of them as I continue to heal. There are, however, some that are so deeply scratched into me that it’s futile to begin to run from them.
So, I remind myself that I can’t work for now. It doesn’t mean I won’t be able to forever.
God has yet to abandon me.
I’ll find a way to move, afford divorce, and begin afresh. Begin to live, laugh, and all that other banal shit that sad beige Mom’s have in their kitchens.
I want to be able to say, “that’s my bed.”
It sounds silly, but I’ve never had that with Jo.
I’ve heard “the mattress I got you” or “my bed”. The mattress she had when I met her she bought with her ex-husband because they were going to get back together. She couldn’t understand why I was uncomfortable sleeping on it for a decade. The mattress we have now, I bought with my money and she still says “my bed”. In fact, she said she’s keeping it after we split. Brand new mattress.
I have no idea how I am going to afford to buy a new one. But, if I have to sleep on my couch until I get enough saved—so be it. At least I have a couch! (Which is technically my Mom’s).
I always felt guilt for saying “mine”. But I want to say it and not feel selfish.
She wears my clothes and it pisses me off. I’ll tell her, please stop wearing my clothes. I don’t find it cute or flattering. And she walks right over that boundary and continues to wear my clothes! I can’t even say my clothes are my clothes. I can’t say my toiletries are mine. But God forbid if I touch her things!
I believe a part of the reason why I smoked was because it was still mine after she quit. It was something that was truly mine. And, now I am going to the gym and making positive choices — that’s still mine. That’s something no one can snatch from me. Having plants is something that’s mine. Cooking and baking is mine. These things have been my anchors and I never realized it until just now. Art has been mine and mine alone. But I paint for everyone else. I feel guilty if I paint something for me, knit something for myself, make something for myself.
I don’t want to feel guilty anymore for loving me, too.
I’m beginning to scratch at what’s behind my self-loathing. I’m glad I have therapy today.
I hope y’all have a blessed day!
I would love for you get totally used to say „This is for me!“ and enjoy it without any guilt.
You know what? You can practice it, step for step. Imagine you are your best friend. Give yourself a present. Enjoy it gratefully. Because that’s what you would do if you get a present from a friend, given with love. To honour this love and friendship. Please do the same for yourself. 
TW:SA
I had an intense therapy appointment. We explored how and why my abusive past has shaped my self-Image. It was a fecund session. I look forward to helping heal my child Parts. To look at them with compassion and subsequently look at myself with compassion. What happened wasn’t my fault, and I have to stop blaming myself (and my body).
I suppose I learned how to settle for less, to be as quiet as possible and accept anything as is, because it could always be worse. Being punished worse…
So, I’m excited to deconstruct those ancient lies and move on… move towards mental health and not illness.
And, although it might not feel like it, you play a part on that healing!
Isn’t it amazing? The smallest thing to us can be monumental to someone else. We mustn’t forget that.
Vielen Dank, dass du mit mir gegangen bist.
Was ich an „Talk Sober“ am meisten liebe, ist, dass eigentlich niemand die Führung übernimmt. Wir folgen alle einander und schaffen es dennoch, dort anzukommen, wo wir hinwollen.
100% agree with @DanielaJ start small and practice doing something nice for yourself. Its worth its weight in gold. I felt the difference when I started being kind to myself.
I also wanted to pick up on something you said in one of your earlier entries. I’m not yet clued up on how to quote something (when responding on my phone) but you were saying you did not feel you deserved the gifts that you were recieving, that you had not yet earn’t it.
Whilst I am not a man of religion (disclaimer: I’m only saying this to acknowledge where I am coming from, not to deny your spiritual and religious place of safety and faith) I feel and understand the sentiment. There is a philosopher called Alan Watts who described life as a Symphony. The purpose of a symphony isn’t to hear the last note, it is to enjoy the performance as a whole, the same applies to life. Whilst I have a low tollerance to discomfort I am starting to realise that you have to enjoy the process of living, as any end goals you place as targets to run for are either just over the horizon or pass by in a flash. Even the worst days have moments that are great if we keep ourselves open to them. I heard another person on youtube say that the big moments that you remember for a lifetime often happen on a random tuesday out of nowhere, they are gone in a flash, you can’t plan for them they just happen.
I suppose what I am trying to say is you deserve good things because you exist and there are good moments (like the 3 crows!) that carry emotion and meaning and joy in the process of living. Much like any artist, you have to love the process because the outcome is never certain. The process you can control, you can enjoy, you can live. It sounds like there are some great things that you are manifesting into the world through your effort, keep going. You have done so well and I believe in you!
This was so remarkably kind, thoughtful, and generous. Too generous. You humble me with your flattering.
Thank you.
Ditto.
No flattery at all. Just recognition of another soul doing their best and doing good things.
I appreciate you!
I was reading some of your older posts. You’ve had a lot of compounded trauma in your life. Give yourself more credit for how courageous and strong you’ve been throughout it. You, even in this very moment, are inspiring!
94 days PMO-free
45 days smoke-free
9 days nicotine-free
The nine days without nicotine is cRaZy to me. It feels unreal! It feels like I just started yesterday, and have never smoked a day in my life, all wrapped up together. I noticed it was nine days and had to take a double take. (Gives self pat on back)
I’m feeling deeply emotional. Deeply. So, if I’m not as active today, it’s because I’m trying to keep my head afloat — not to mention it’s Jo’s 59th birthday. My 37th is next week. We are going to celebrate her, since every fucking day isn’t enough. And, like every year, she’ll “treat” herself and “not apologize for that”…and then we won’t have any money to do anything for my birthday, and I will have to hear how she “almost” feels bad. Sigh.
Luckily, this year I’ve been taking surveys and have about $25 saved. I’m super excited! 
I will have enough saved up to get my helix professionally pierced. I was going to get my tongue pierced — again — but I am spending a lot of money fixing my teeth already…I don’t need to sabotage that!
Besides, I don’t need any help. 
I’m reclaiming myself. I’m snatching back my autonomy. I’m trying desperately to rescue myself with the resources that I have available to me.
I bought Jo some gifts. She won’t like any of them. Something will be wrong. I’m prepared for it.
I dream one day I’ll find someone who will cherish the gifts I get them from day one. Not feel sentimental after I explain how it’s hurtful to say shit like “I guess it’s not that rare” when you get her an antique or “I can make it work” when you buy her clothes or “I don’t like it” and “they hurt my ears” or “I don’t like how it feels on my wrist/neck” when you buy her precious jewelry; but then be told how it’s “hurtful” when you stop buying her jewelry and laugh when she asks for it.
I dream one day someone will see my love language is giving of gifts. I give my time, my heart, my efforts, myself. I dream one day I don’t have to beg to have my love received in the manner that it is given. I dream one day I’ll be loved in return; not because of a vow alone or because they hate any kind of change, but because they love me.
But it’s only a dream.
So I’m going to be that for myself. First I have to stop feeling guilty for just thinking about it.
I’m feeling guilty for saving money for my birthday.
I cannot be distracted from what my therapist gave me to do for homework. We explored my prodigiously abusive past and how it’s shaped my body dysmorphia and eating disorder.
Oh Mylanta, I’m feeling lots of big feelings.
Nevertheless, gratitude is one of them.
I’m grateful for y’all!
But dreams can become a reality my friend! Youre already on the right path to getting all that u want! U ARE succeeding!
Sending u big virtual hugs as u manage all that u have to manage today friend 
Hi @ICanAndWill
Popping in to say a few things:) I’m inspired by your 9 days nicotine free, and by where you are in your self-exploration journey. The way that you confront your relationship and your trauma while building sober time shows so much strength and resilience, though I’m sorry that you’ve needed them. I aspire to get there in a similar journey someday. Keep being patient with yourself okay? You deserve immense kindness and I see that you’re the one learning to give that to yourself. I love love love that. Thanks for sharing your love and wisdom with TS. I’m better for your presence on this site. I learn from you.
I wish I could agree. I have a face for radio and I lack anything worthy of bragging to Mom about. 
But, I will love me and buy myself flowers. I was thinking that I was going to buy a bouquet for myself when I get the keys to my new place—where ever that’s going to be. I’ve never had flowers bought, or even picked, for me. And the thought of buying myself flowers makes me smile. I don’t know why I waited so long to be rescued, when I had everything within me to rescue myself. 
You’re too kind in your appraisal of me. You are an invaluable friend. Thank you for such a priceless gift!
First of all, thanks for being the laxative to my emotional constipation! 
Secondly, you’re too kind. I don’t deserve such flattery. It’s too much. I read your posts and feel the same about you! 
serious. Cross my heart 
!
I am me. Just trying to not fuck up too irreparably, and trying to make the world a little less shitty for everyone else.
Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to reach out! That was really awesome.
It’s currently 3:18am.
I’ve officially worked myself into a tizzy. 
I need to get a job.
There’s simply no way around it. I don’t have the funds to buy mat board to frame my paintings to sell, and they’re too big to get copies made. Been there, tried it.
I keep thinking about how I can make money without ending up in the pysch hospital or losing my disability. Let me clarify, I’ve been thinking of legal and morally acceptable ways of increasing my income. My resume is abysmal and I am going through Indeed hyperventilating.
I don’t know what to do! 
I feel badly for even talking about my financial situation. Who isn’t having a tough time nowadays? I’m trying to do my taxes. I have to call WV and try to get some paperwork I don’t have. I didn’t realize that I only made $16.5K last year! I will qualify for Medicaid and food assistance once I move out. Jo makes too much. But it’s like…how the hell am I going to afford to sign a lease if we can’t even keep money for more than a week?!
Money is gone again. April 3rd. Gone. (Thank God I kept track, at least all of our super important bills are paid!) Here’s another month of “only [add number] weeks/days left until we get paid.”
I have an interview next month to drop Jo as my rep payee. Hopefully I won’t need another one. When I was responsible for the funds, I paid all the bills, bought groceries, and had enough to pay off 80% of our debt! But she huffed and puffed about not having any responsibilities and how I was suffocating her. So, I trusted her (who used to be a successful business manager!) with the money and now we’re in a disgusting amount of debt and we usually get “disconnect service” notices every month.
Argh! I need to fucking move!
But I can’t work! 
I want to be a productive member of society. I want to work. I desire ascending to being just average. But I’m fucking broken. Not even scratch-n-dent. Broken. I present well. You’d think: hey, that guy is funny and is very outgoing. True. That’s a defense mechanism that depletes so much energy until I can get home.
Smoking isn’t going to put money in the bank.
It’ll do the opposite.
So I’m not tempted to smoke. Besides, I don’t want to stink and deal with the headache and lethargy.
Porn isn’t going to help. Although a 3+ month load would probably temporarily feel fabulous and would probably help me not be awake at 3:37am.
But, I won’t.
I might be stressed, but I’m also super blessed. And, ai have to remind myself that Jesus is my consolation — not PMO or smoking.
Just give me Jesus!
Oh Jesus, help me. 
I firmly believe that you can’t reasonably pray for potatoes if you haven’t plowed the fields and planted the seeds first.
However, I don’t know how else to plant money seeds. I’ve sold the majority of my valuable belongings. Even if I sold everything else, it still wouldn’t be enough for deposits and fees.
O’ God Almighty, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Okay, my rant is over.
It’s Good Friday. I will meditate on that today. Focus on that…
95 days PMO-free
46 days smoke-free
10 days nicotine-free
I’ve had an abysmal night’s sleep and I am hurting from my head to my toes. If I could, I would take a hot bath. I’ve got to listen to my body and rest today. Even from cardio. I have got to relax today, which is easier said than done.
Maybe I will paint today. I think that sounds like a lovely idea.
I will paint and take more surveys and count my blessings.
I will reflect on all the ways God has delivered me from my fears and anxieties in the past; and how many miracles I have experienced in my life.
I will remind my fears and doubts who my King is and what He can and will do!
I hope y’all have a beautiful day.
Message me if you want to talk!
Oh man, you truly are in a difficult situation. But I’m happy your faith is so strong. Indeed, God will help you through your battles and I know everything will be okay in the end, you’re afford to move into your own place and be happy. You deserve that, you have such a big heart. I will pray for you in today’s Evening Mass.
I appreciate that! Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is in the midst; that’s a promise Jesus made! And He keeps His promises!
I continue to pray for you and your kids. 
Even though the novena is done, I still pray for y’all!
We serve a God of miracles!
Pray and wait.
