ICanAndWill's Touchstone

[ICanAndWill]

99 days PMO-free

50 days smoke-free

14 days nicotine-free

Jo is amplifying her pettiness. Too bad she doesn’t realize she will lose this game.

For example, she gave away all the candy my mom got me for Easter to her family; but kept all her candy. She said “oh, I gave away your candy.”

Now mind you, she’s very diabetic and has no business eating sweets; but, my mom got me candy that I can used for when I’m nicking or having anxiety attacks.

Again. Jokes on her. I didn’t respond and I just went out and got more. I’ve just hidden it. (Since she eats it all when it’s out in the open.)

For years and years the morning has been mine. She doesn’t usually come out of her hibernaculum until mid-afternoon. There was a time I used to feel resentful about it. Lonely. Sad. Angry. Betrayed. Then, I learned it was a blessing. I learned to heal during that time. Learned to build up some health before she depleted it throughout the day.

Now she’s sitting out watching shorts, same one over and over.

Backstory: I am very misophonic. I go into a RAGE if I can hear chewing and other shit… like alarms stress me out. I’ll wake up early so I can turn it off before I have to hear it. Jo eats disgustingly. There’s no normal reason to make the sounds she does. In order to convince myself that I like being around her, I will eat quickly and run outside for a cigarette or two while she mouth fucks her food slowly.

One thing I can’t stand is the sound of shorts. Nails on a chalkboard! Especially if it’s the same background 5 second looped song!

She’s sitting out here to ruin my morning routine.

Jokes on her.

I’m wearing earbuds and listening to music that brings me joy.

She LITERALLY just now huffed away to the bedroom.

Do you want to know why I dyed my hair?

She didn’t let me color my hair. She wouldn’t let me color my hair. If I even considered a temporary color, she’d throw a fit.

I asked her what color I should do and she said platinum blonde.

I called her bluff, but added pink to rub the fact I snatched my pink card back.

She’s pissed!

I

D

G

A

F

I am beginning to love me. It’s slow, and I’m stumbling. But, I’m learning to love me.

I’m beginning to see myself again in the mirror.

I’m beginning to love what I see in the mirror again.

I am going to fiercely protect me.

I’m going to defend myself wildly, like a Beserker if I have to, because I’m not going back to that Bastille she kept me in for 17 years.

I’ve been listening to the music I loved when I first met her. She hated. I couldn’t listen to it around her. It’s waking something up inside of me.

Although I confess listening to music I partied to while I vacuum my living room is really funny to me.

I have money saved for my birthday this weekend; but she’s got a hold of it. I pray PRAY that she doesn’t spend it and pretend like she had no control over it. I can’t wait until I get my own money. Next month is my appointment to retest with the SSA.

Well, I am off to continue my day.

I love y’all! I get so excited when you post new pictures. It makes you real and I feel so connected knowing I’m not forming a relationship with chat-bots.

[Olivia]

Wowza. Your marriage sounds like it’s a.. em… handful. You’re managing it beautifully though. You’re not taking part in her games anymore and are establishing boundaries which is healthy. Stick to those! She’s going to test them further and unfortunately, she knows what buttons to press.

[ICanAndWill]

The best part is she knew what buttons to push. I’ve disconnected and am using a completely different system now. She can push all the buttons she wants! They just make fart noises now.

[2JTravNZ]

Feel those feelings and love yourself deeply brother!

Between mental health and addiction sometimes I gotta dig deep or quieten my mind some how. Feel those feelings in the real sense finding the root of them can be one of the toughest parts of this journey.

I love a good image shift. Nothing like being happy in your own skin again.

[ICanAndWill]

100 days PMO-free

51 days smoke-free

15 days nicotine-free

I’m feeling pretty good. Relatively satisfied with the day so far.

Jo broke a mug I was using to drink my coffee in. She said it was “placed precariously” on the counter. (It wasn’t) It was a part of a set that she got for our anniversary last year. Too bad I know her as well as I do… at least for her…I had to remind her that it was her mug I was using.

I calmly pulled mine out of the cupboard and poured me a new cup.

Today I’m going to repeat: but what’s the best thing that could happen?

I’m slowing down at the gym. I’m still going every day; however, I’m not going to hard at it. I’ve been following my Fitbit suggestions (since I’m paying for it) and redoing what my personal trainer had me do a couple years ago. I’m nowhere near some of y’all sexy mfer’s (y’know who you are) but this time next year we can do a TalkSober calendar together. Albeit, I definitely could be Santa this year!

You are all loved; some are even liked.

[poppyfairy]

@ICanAndWill

She can push all the buttons she wants! They just make fart noises now.

That’s a good one

[JasonFisher]

I feel for you.

I had to spend six months living with my now x wife when the love was gone. It was brutal.

I hope you find the path to your own space soon.

Passive aggressive behavior is the worst to deal with.

Marrying the wrong person was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was 100 percent sober and knew it was probably going to be a mistake when i did it too.

Her passive aggressive behavior lasted long after the bitter divorce.

[ICanAndWill]

I keep saying to myself: you’re sober now , you’re doing it now.

Since I am sober going through this, I keep hyping myself up that I can slay through anything else.

And, seeing your peace is such a life goal for me. Although I’m absolutely terrified of drowning and of sharks and the fact that the sea immediately strips us of our existential arrogance—otherwise I love your life!

[JasonFisher]

Thie fishing thing is cool for keeping it real as far as how insignicant I am. And how ruthless life is. Mother nature is ruthless. She is beautiful too.

Relationships are hard. Ive had terrible luck. Its not for lack of effort.

This time I have avoided them. Getting older too. I recognize how much of my happiness i have wasted trying to find the right girl.

I was fuckin up from the gate when I found this place. I was hung up on the wrong girl and it got me drunk. Letting her go hurt really bad. Now its a relief.

Quit being so hard on yourself too. Keep trudging forward! Keep your eye on the prize. Freedom. I think your self esteem will go way up when you ditch her.

[ICanAndWill]

@JasonFisher

. I recognize how much of my happiness i have wasted trying to find the right girl.

Sounds like you’re fishing in the wrong waters!

[JasonFisher]

Like that would be drama free…

[ICanAndWill]

Once again I am awake at 2:48am.

I desperately need to get a CPAP, which means I need to get a hold of the right sleep medicine clinic. Argh! Insurance is so stupid! Healthcare shouldn’t be a luxury .

My mouth is so dry from the amount of salt I ate last night.

I had pizza for the first time since before Lent started. I don’t eat pork or beef anymore, but it was an uncured pepperoni pizza. While at the store, I had this shameful feeling that I shouldn’t be eating pizza. My ultimate, all-time-favorite food!!! I had such a guilt at how much saturated fat, cholesterol, etc. was in a serving… and I already knew I wasn’t going to eat just a serving. I thought about skipping out entirely; but thought hell no! I had to spend the day with my emotionally draining, laugh-while-she-knowingly-skips-over-my-boundaries mother and micro-aggressive (soon to be ex-) wife.

I bought comfort food and binged so hard. I didn’t have the money to buy everything I wanted to binge. Thank God! It would have been so much worse! I quietly and quickly rage ate.

I’m trying to destroy the paranoid thought that Jo is going to kill me. She’s just crazy enough. If she can’t have me, no one can have me. If I’m not on here for more than a week… it’s probably somehow connected to her.

I am coming to terms with not actually wanting to be around her after the divorce.

We don’t have my birthday money.

Big shocker, right?

I’ve saved up $20 on those survey apps (I had $25 but had to buy dog food). I have a couple prized books left that I’ll sell tomorrow. I’ll only get a couple bucks, but it’ll be something.

My mom bought me more clothes. Except, I kept them in her car lest Jo decides to do laundry again.

How did this happen?

How did I let this woman change my memories, change my feelings, even convince me I wasn’t gay—and all the while I subconsciously knew better and the only way to honesty was suicide attempts. Legitimate ones. I wasn’t ready to face facts but I didn’t want to live this continued lie. How did this happen?

How does grooming work?

I was her trophy.

That’s what sucks.

I was love-bombed. I had my insecurities validated and she was my savior…and I was a burden who should be grateful.

Cue Bernadette Peters-Stay with me.

I had a thought of moving out-of-State again. But, that would crush my nephews. It was a great indicator that I’m not okay and my boundaries are being knowingly crossed.

How can I guard my boundaries and make sure I’m not being too rigid?

I’m not worried about the binge.

It happened. I’ve learned from it and I’m moving on. Back to a diet that matches my values and goals.

I have wanted to go on a road trip for years, and I have postponed it for years. I’m getting dangerously close to jumping in the car and taking one anyway.

Well, I’m going to finish my cranberry-hibiscus tea and try to catch a couple more hours of sleep. Ha! Funny, I know.

Keep me in your prayers, and I’ll keep you in mine.

[2JTravNZ]

What an ordeal to live through, I hope you find your peace soon my friend.

[ICanAndWill]

I appreciate you. This too shall pass.

[ICanAndWill]

101 days PMO-free

52 days smoke-free

16 days nicotine-free

My chest hurts. It’s tight and it’s difficult to take a breath. I’m coughing more now, too. Deep, rumbling coughs. And I couldn’t be happier! My lungs are healing.

Last year, about this time actually, I heard God say He wanted to heal me but I had to put the cigarettes down first. You’d think this would be a no-brainer; but, then again, you’d also haven’t a clue of how addiction works. I prayed and prayed to put them down so I could be healed…

Finally, I wrote a petition and put it under Sleeping St. Joseph.

Well, fast forward to now, I’m not only an ex-smoker — I’m an ex-smoker who’s been going to the gym everyday*(or at least 6 days), and running 2+ miles on the elliptical(because my knees are wrecked)* when I dreamed of just one mile!

Today my lungs hurt. I didn’t want to do anything but curl up and feel bad for myself. But I showed up anyway!

While “running”, I coughed up a mass of tissue. It was an ugly sumbitch. It very clearly had been lodged in my lung at one point. This wasn’t a tonsil stone. This was flesh…a black, bloody nodule… and it made me sing praise! Keep healing me Jesus so I can show the world Your OCEAN OF MERCY for sinners!!!

It’s a little bit easier to breath.

I’m watching, and feeling, my body change. I used to be so scared of healing. Doesn’t that seem silly? I was terrified of getting what I wanted because I didn’t want to risk cheating on Jo or leaving Jo or upsetting Jo.

She wouldn’t let me get contacts lest I realize how attractive I am and leave her. She literally said that and I thought it was reasonable and made sense!!!

This was taken a few months before we got married.

This is who I want to see again in the mirror. And I’m getting there… I’m showing up and doing what I can.

She’s not evil. I have loved her truly. What I’ve given her, I’ve given freely (although it’s cost me myself). I don’t hate her. I don’t resent her.

But if I don’t make these changes now… I will.

I’ll hate and resent her.

I’ll hate and resent myself.

This was never supposed to be. But it was, and now I have to play with a cosmic treasure map to figure out why it was allowed.

I don’t want to waste anymore of myself on her. I’m too precious for that. I’ll be enough. I am enough for me. Not to mention, statistically speaking, there is at least one man out there who’d receive it with joy.

I’m feeling lots of feelings today.

Thanks for reading this far. If you didn’t, that’s okay too. You didn’t miss much.

[ICanAndWill]

I finally got outside and painted for a couple hours in the garage/studio. I came back inside and Jo said she had to show me something…

It was a house that she wants to buy. Mhmm. It’s beautiful and affordable (especially if her ex-husband buys it for her…mhmm… go grab a beverage and sit down, cause this is that good.) I was flipping through the pictures genuinely excited for her. Will she buy it? Almost definitely not. But, we are supposed to celebrate our loved ones. Love isn’t jealous. So, I will be genuinely happy for her if she can get this place. Especially since it has a fenced-in yard. It has 2 sheds in the back. Unfinished sheds. They’re nice. They’d be great for a She-Shed and another for tools or even a playhouse for her great-nieces and -nephews.

But she excitedly told me that I can rent both off of her “for cheap”.

I laughed. I laughed and thanked her for her generosity; but then said: “I know my worth; and I’m worth more than living in an unfinished shed.”

She got offended because (I am…me) going to finish it at my own expense, too.

I again thanked her for her generosity and graciousness; but declined because I’m worthy of living in an actual abode.

Then she looked down sadly.

There was a time I would have been hurt, deeply hurt that she’d be okay thinking that’s all I’m worth…

But I’m not.

Because I’m awake now. I see she’s ALWAYS felt I have deserved less than what I’m worth. She’s been very honest about it from the get-go; it’s me who didn’t want to see it.

I’m proud of me. Because it’s true; I do deserve to live in an actual domicile. If it was finished… still no. I’m not living in my ex-wife’s backyard!

Finished=No.

Unfinished=Hell no!

She genuinely thought it was gracious

[Madds]

Sorry but this is ridiculous I’m glad you know your worth better than that

[ICanAndWill]

Isn’t it though?

I have spent 17 years believing that I deserve what I can get because of how horrible I am. Not only am I a disgusting piece-of-shit, but I’m also unlovablely mentally ill. Thankfully, Jo is the suffering servant with whom I am forever indebted!

She’d use my towels (or clothes) to clean up animal messes.

She’d give away my things to people that I didn’t like.

She’d immediately befriend people that were cruel to me, being a “good Christian wife.” For example, a couple backed me into a corner about my recent smoking. Mind you, I was emotionally compromised and in the middle of a mental health crisis; they hardly spoke English but found enough words to say they had to protect their children from my evil (although I was known as Uncle and was good enough to babysit them) and how I’m going to Hell because it says so in the Bible (I apparently missed that chapter), and other horrible things. I was so crushed that my ONLY friends betrayed me like that, that I had to be transported to another state for mental health treatment; and while I was gone she made them soup and hand delivered it as a sign of peace!

She’d give my food to the dogs

She’d let the dogs chew up my things instead of stopping them. In fact, I’ve always come after the dogs in every and all ways. I’ve been kicked out of the bed by the dogs.

I love quilts! She’s promised me a quilt, but has made one for literally everyone else. So, I went out and bought fabric. She told everyone she did. Still hasn’t made it for me. But, managed to make stuff for other people with that fabric I picked out and bought. Then convinced me it was uncharitable of me to be so selfish.

I asked her to help me start a business for years. Never did. Didn’t even try. The same day they asked, she helped 2 people open businesses (one being her ex-husband). Then told me she would have helped me had she known.

I’ve got 17 years of being shown where I stand with her. 17 years of lamenting about it. Now I have to make peace with not acting sooner. It seems so obvious.

However when you’re dealing with a narcissist, someone with a complex personality disorder, and being a survivor of compounded trauma yourself, it’s easier to become ensnared in their web of deceit. The lovebombing, the gaslighting and manipulation, the non apologetic apologies, the promises and lovebombing, etc. When someone is 22 years older than you preys on your deepest insecurities, it’s easy to fall into their traps.

I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow.

[ICanAndWill]

102 days PMO-free

53 days smoke-free

17 days nicotine-free

I’m not entirely sure if the numbers are correct. I think they are. Jo is excitedly reading aloud her MRI results for the second time, and then pushing the phone in my face so I can read it, and excitedly asking if I want to see the images. My, “I trust you have a sufficient ability to read”, is being interpreted as doubt—so now she’s scanning through the list and highlighting parts that sound life threatening.

When Gracie pulled her ass to the ground, busted her nose and pulled her shoulder out of joint, I was already having a difficult time empathizing with her. Lady Fakes-a-lot hast tapped mine affections dry. She got the MRI results this morning and it turns out she has two minor tears and a fracture. For normal people who don’t want to be hurt, this would be inconveniencing news. She is absolutely delighted. I haven’t seen her this jubilant in a while.

“Do they want you in a splint?” was, I believe a reasonable question. Not to her.

Things to make her better?! Anathema!

So, she’s scrolling through her phone finding ways to exaggerate this to it’s nth degree. It’ll be better if she gets new people in her life. They’d give her the empathy she so desperately desires.

I really feel callous towards this, which makes me feel guilty.

She’s just had everything you can think of and the only thing left is for her to find out a way to have epididymitis as a cis woman.

Enough of this ridiculous woman!

I’m getting things prepared for tomorrow’s festivies. I’m very excited. I don’t normally celebrate my birthday because I didn’t have friends to invite over (unless she vetted them) and we didn’t have money after bills and her birthday.

But I’m going ahead and celebrating me anyway!

I’ve saved up some money from those surveys and I’m going to sell some of my really, really nice books today. I’ll only get a pittance for them; but, I don’t care! I want to have cash and celebrate me!

I bought stuff for my Boston Cream Pie. I’ve had one for 2/3 of my life. My mom is so upset that I’m going to make my own cake, that she’s coming over today to help me. (Jo has made me cakes in the past.) I told her it was empowering for me to do it myself, but she’s my mom.

I don’t know who is going with me to the antique mall that I want to visit tomorrow. IDC if I have to go alone. I’m so excited! I heard my sister is going to buy pizza!

Pizza is my absolute favorite food that I could eat three times a day for the rest of my life. Period.

Last year, today, I was kidnapped by the sheriffs office, falsely accused of SI, handcuffed to the back of a Paddy wagon with inmates being transported to the prison, then spent 10 days in a hospital under false pretenses in horrific conditions. (I got a lawyer who said that the sheriff’s have qualified immunity for handcuffing me and transporting me with prisoners; the social worker, magistrate and his lawyer, all have qualified immunity for falsifying records and that if I try to get it expunged they could lock me up forever and get away with it, and the hospital has qualified immunity because it’s all privatized now and it’s my (crazy person) word against theirs (educated and trained). The fact that I knew more of WV law and ethics codes doesn’t help me.)

So compared to last birthday, literally just waking up in my own apartment is a HUGE improvement! Honestly, waking up in anyone’s apartment would be a huge improvement.

I’m getting that done and looking forward to scrolling through and seeing how y’all are doing throughout the day. I feel genuinely connected and concerned for most of you. I hope yall have a glorious day. Unless you dislike glorious days because you’re one of the Sanderson Sisters. In witch case, I hope you have a gloomy day sucking the lives out of Salem’s children.

[ICanAndWill]

I will not cry…

…I will not cry…

I ended up making a trifle because the cupcakes were too small and moist to core. I was going to make it look pretty tomorrow. I had a bowl and a half of it because it was so good! (And why not, it’s mine?!) I went to the gym to finish my step and came back to this…

Now I have to figure out what I’m going to do for my birthday tomorrow…

Ultimately it is my fault.

I shouldn’t have made it early.

I shouldn’t have eaten some and asked if she wanted to try some…

I shouldn’t have left with her unsupervised.

I should have expected her to try to ruin this because I have been very vocal about how I actually want to celebrate myself this year…

I can’t be reasonably be mad at her.

I shouldn’t be eating cake anyway.

I’m just really sad now. I worked hard on that…

And her neighbor friend came over and insulted me and she didn’t defend me. She’s never defended me. That’s not new. What’s new is that she’s bringing them over and letting it happen in my home.

That’s a part of the reason why I ate more than I should have…

It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have been a gracious host and told her to get the fuck out of my house. Damn Emily Post! I shouldn’t have been so vocal about how much this means to me. I should have been nonplussed about it…

I’m so mad at myself.

I want to cry, deep sorrowful tears.