Hi @ICanAndWill just been tripping through your thread here.
I can sympathize with the weight/body issue
When being active in the gym try and pay more attention to how you see yourself changing in the mirror, while stats dont lie your body will recomposit itself. I can maintain a 5kg fluctuation with shape changing. Depending on your routine you will build muscle mass while losing weight.
I hope you are doing well! Also Rad hair!
@2JTravNZ has entered the chat!!! That’s what I’m talking about! 
I appreciate you! Thanks for taking the time to help me reframe my inability to lose weight. I’ll definitely keep that in my back pocket. 
Swapping one eating disorder for another is not going to make you healthier. That’s like me saying it will be healthier for me to only do cocaine instead of consume alcohol. Both are unhealthy, both are dangerous, and both can have catastrophic consequences.
Please be careful, malnutrition caused by anorexia can cause some serious physical symptoms, especially to the brain.
Sending lots of love your way, please be gentle with yourself. You 
are not ugly.
That looks freakin awesome!!! Love the color!!! You look great! 
What @2JTravNZ said 
Muscle weighs more than fat. The doctors over here say that the rate to lose weight is about 3% of your bodyweight over the course of 3-5 months. That way you’re losing fat and not something else. 1-2 weeks is not enough time. This is a long haul, a different life style. You are NOT failing. I get the struggle though. I’ve always been overweight.
Edited to add:
I get that you’re venting. Totally allowed. However, starving your body will make it switch to survival mode which is counterproductive to your goal. Also, being anorexic is not healthy. It’s lethal. But you know this, right.
This was last year. 292lbs was the first time I dipped below 300lbs in a decade and a half. How did I achieve it? By literally not eating.
The data shows that not eating is the only way to drop this weight. I cant risk dying due to morbid obesity. Emmett was obese, and had some medical complications because of it. He would be 40 at the end of the month. I can’t help but think that had he been healthier, he could’ve fought the COVID/meningitis better; would not have had a heart attack.
I have to drop this weight. I can’t have my mom weep over my body like that. Especially if it’s something that I can and will control.
Its more than being ugly. It’s more than vanity.
Those things are super valid, and super real; but I’m still having flashbacks —im still there in the hospital —and I have to do what I can to be as healthy as I can be.
I have to …
I have already burned through too many second chances.
Hi @ICanAndWill
I understand the venting, but speaking as an eating disordered human as well: this is a slippery slope. I know it’s slower to work on your health the “healthy” way (quotes used only because I know it’s icky to see) but think of the cardiovascular and muscle gains! Health isn’t just reflected by the number on the scale. You’re doing amazing at your sobriety and working out like crazy and I’m so proud of you for that. Anorexia isn’t health, my friend. Don’t let Ed tell you otherwise. I get it, I promise. Bulimia made me look better than ever. But I wasn’t healthy. You deserve health. The numbers will follow, I promise. Give yourself time and grace. And lovely hair 
I *completely" get what ur saying 
I feel the exact same way. I think about my son and how he needs me to be healthy and to live a long life to support him as he grows older. Plus with the health risks that run in my family, I feel desperate to change my ways.
I may be wayyyy out of line here but have u thought of maybe medication to help? Youre putting in all the right work and so maybe adding a little something to ur health plan would help. Do u have any medication coverage?
I was on Ozempic for some time and it did help a lot. It wasnt covered for me so as i increased the dose, i eventually couldnt pay for it any longer. Otherwise Id still be on it. But I take a diff med now thats much cheaper and covered by my health benefits. Its actually an ADHD med but its also used for binge eating disorder. It does help reduce appetite, gives me a little energy, and reduces the urge to binge. Its not a miracle drug but it does help. My mom is currently on Ozempic and shes lost a ton of weight! But its covered for her so she can easily go up on the dose and not pay an arm and a leg for it.
Its frustrated when ur putting in all the work and not seeing the results. I absolutely get that feeling of hopelessness. Its exhausting to keep trying n trying n trying and not getting anywhere. I feel that way now actually. I feel like a lost cause when it comes to my health. But we cant give up friend 
We gotta keep trying to see what works for us and our bodies, in a healthy way.
Mark, you know this is not true, right? Keep on going, you need patience. If you stay on track for 3 months and don’t loose any weight, you need to see a doctor. A few weeks is not enough time to see results.
And, as said already, muscles are heavier. You change your body and the weightloss will come later. If you starve yourself, you‘re killing yourself.
Sorry for the tough love, friend. Please make a healthy choice. Anorexia is not healthy and will never be. Your eating disorder might tell you it is safe and healthy, but YOU KNOW BETTER.
You’re absolutely right! We can’t give up! I won’t; that’s my promise to you!
I had a beautiful Easter. My sister and I hid Easter eggs for the kids, proceeded to forget where we hid them, then searched for ‘em with the kids. 
But while I was at church, I felt this amazing clarity… and it’s because of y’all.
One thing I like to pride myself in is being humble enough to accept criticism, work through problems with multiple perspectives, and listening to the help I asked for; and, although I still feel the same way as I did this morning, I reflected on your words.
When I was deeply unwell, wildly over-medicated and misdiagnosed, I had to learn to trust my support system. Even when everything inside of me screamed to not listen or do the opposite, I learned to trust others to protect me, but also when to trust my intuition. In DBT, it’s called Wise Mind.
So, I was thinking about what Wise Mind says about this problem I’m having and this is what it’s come up with:
Listen to my support system, they won’t lead you to harm!
With this in mind, I’ll listen to @TMAC and weigh myself once a month. There is more going on than just the numbers on the scale. I know that. I needed a reminder, and it would be stupid to not listen to it.
@Olivia and @DanielaJ giving me some “tough” love was what I needed. I do know better. Wise Mind knows better. I needed to be guided back into listening to it.
@Madds and @Butterflymoonwoman reached down and revealed such a personal part of themselves. Vulnerability should always be rewarded with kindness and empathy. I remembered this evening that I have a follow-up with my dietician next month. It’ll be the perfect time to discuss what kinds of changes I’d need to make, and how to do it healthily.
@Alexh666 is so remarkably sweet, so empathetic. His kindness, his profoundly unique and beautiful heart have convinced me that although I don’t believe it at all, I mustn’t be too repulsive. Beautiful people often associate with other beautiful people… and everyone on this list is b-e-a-utiful! So that’s encouraging.
I am so blessed by y’all. I was genuinely shocked by the response! Such an amazing outpouring of love and challenging cognitive distortions. Thank you all.
Sobriety is bubbling up a lot of big feels. Plus on top of grieving… and realizing just how fucked up my marriage has been… lots of big feels.
Today has been lot of stimulation and I need to take a nap and mentally regroup. So, I’ll go through everyone’s posts tomorrow when I can be fully present.
I love you all! If you ever need an alibi, or whatever, just let me know beforehand so our story is the same!
I’m glad to hear this and that you were able to pull through a tough moment. That’s how wars are won. It’s valuable to have those different perspectives voiced because it’s hard to know what is actually helpful to a person.
I read Wise Mind but heard Hive mind… Too much stranger things in me, lol.
So glad you can use these multiple perspectives! I love the term „wise minds“, I have never heard of this concept before.
You are absolutely right: We love you
Hey @ICanAndWill, I know you have been having a really tough time these last couple of days and I am so proud of you for using the tools you have learnt through DBT to help you through the cognitive distortions you were having.
Whilst not the same situation as you I do know what it feels like to feel ugly. Which is not to say you are ugly, because you are not. I knkw there is a difference between what we think and feel and objective reality.
Reading your posts brought me right back to when I was at school. I suffered with eczema as a child and as I got into my teenage years I was teased for being awkward and told I smelled on a number of occassions (funnily enough you couldn’t get soaps and shampoos that didn’t burn like the sun in 80’s).
I felt like a monster. An unloveable monster. Who could possibly love someone who flaked dead skin everywhere and had bloodstains on their shirt?
My eczema is 99% better now but the feeling of being ugly and monsterous never really left me.
So I suppose what I am trying to say is, I empathise with the feeling you are feeling but feelings are not reality. There will be someone out there who loves you for you. The first step (and the hardest one for me) is to love yourself first. Acceptance of yourself can only come from you.
The other thing I wanted to add was, when working towards a goal try and make the goal about the process, rather than the end product. If you set your heart on the scales saying a certain number you are giving the scales power over you. If you focus on the process and set your goals around them then it becomes in your power to meet those.
So instead of, I want to reach X weight this month, you could replace that with:
If you build up those habits in the long term you will be healthy and you will be smashing the goals that you set that are all in your power to do.
I hope that helps in some way.
Oh Mylanta! This was so vulnerable and beautiful. What a spectacular gift. Thank you. I will file this very close to my heart.
There’s a lot to digest.Yet, everything was bite-sized and valuable.
Thank you so much! This was very helpful.
98 days PMO-free
49 days smoke-free
13 days nicotine-free
There was a time when I knew how long I had quit something by the day and hour. Now I have to check and recheck. Every day that I update my timers, I think that time is dragging along and flying by simultaneously. 98 days seems like such an unreal number to me. There were years that I had to masturbate multiple times a day. Now it’s been 98 days!
Decades!
Over 20 years I’ve been addicted to PMO.
98 days?!
Over three months?!
CrAzY!
… it has not been easy. Otherwise, would it truly be an addiction?
I am lounging after going to the gym super early (not by choice). I’m not going to get started on the crazy-makers that never take your time and energy into consideration.
Now, I’m sipping on decaf green tea, steeped with lemon slices and Manuka honey.
I’ve thought more about what everyone said yesterday (and before). I do need to have a higher perspective: I’ve only been at this for weeks. I have almost a decade and a half of wholeheartedly trashing my body. It’s going to take just as long to get it right again.
Perspective.
So, I’m readjusting my crown and giving myself permission to feel my feelings. I’m not going to apologize for them. Although I feel badly and stupid for these past couple days… I’m reassuring myself that I’m allowed to feel hopelessness, discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed. However, what I’m not allowed to do is give up! And, I’m not giving up. So, I’m not going to apologize for feeling my feelings and being transparent about them.
Maybe someone read them and thought holy shit balls, my too!.
I’m going to take a nap.
2-3 hours sleep a night isn’t enough.
I hope everyone had a beautiful Easter/weekend! Let’s see pictures!!! What was your favorite part?
If it wasn’t good; give me names. I’ll cut a bitch for you!
I love your last post. All feelings are there to be felt. No need to apologize. And feelings are fluid, they change when we have felt them enough.
I am also struggling with my weightloss. And I also think: It took me quite a while to gain the weight. It’s natural that it takes a longer time to lose some of it.
Fast weightloss is not healthy. So give yourself time, stay consistent and use this challenging situation for healing: Be gentle AND consistent with yourself We are in this together.
I’m having a midlife crisis 
My hairline is receding, I can’t eat the foods I used to because I either gain 12 pounds or it’ll give me heartburn, and I am crabby if I am not in bed by 9pm.
I am realizing I have to honor me now instead of wishing for me then…but now. It’s unfair to myself. In a very real way, I am rejecting myself.
What are you finding out about yourself as you walk this path to a healthier you?
And you’re so right; we’re in this together!
Thank you so much for asking me this! Excellent question 
I am discovering that I am good enough. In fact, that I am a wonderful being. That I am not defined by my flaws, but by my most beautiful qualities: the love I carry in my heart and the values I live by. My thoughts, my heart, and my soul are good. My body is good, because it gives them a home. How it looks does not determine my worth.
Amen!
You are worthy now.
You are enough now.
You are loved now.
Your body is a book: each scar and imperfection is a word; each stretch mark and cellulite is a chapter in an unfolding love story.
Read it with gentleness and understanding.
The main character has already gone through a lot.
