Oh Mylanta! This was so incredibly sweet and uplifting
Thank you so very, very much! (And yes, I have been able to make it to work. God is good!)
1 Like
46 days smoke-free
6 days porn-free
I bought a stand ashtray a week or so before I quit. I used it so rarely that, even next to me in this moment, I am not drawn to use it for it’s intended purpose. In fact, I have the lid popped open and am using it to hold essential oils in (which hasn’t proved successful in keeping the flies away!)
I offered it to one of my neighbors. I see them walking to and from the gas station throughout the day. Usually by this point in the month, funds are low and so are the cigarettes. We’d semi-joke about needing a cigarette and looking forward to payday. We’d make sure we had our smokes though. Either I’d give them some, or they would—well the husband would, at least.
Sitting here next to this ashtray, I’m reminded by how stressful smoking was.
Do I have enough to make it through the day?
Do I have enough to make it through until next payday?
Do I have enough money for cigarettes?
Where am I going to find more money for cigarettes?
They raised the taxes on them again? Well, I’ll sacrifice food and gas—they’re more important—Who can I ask for cigarette money and make it seem like it’s not for that?
When can I go out for a cigarette?
Where can I go out for a cigarette?
Do I smell too badly?
My health is deteriorating, but I don’t care
I can’t afford to fix my health—proceeds to buy more cigarettes
I want to offer them a ride, but am embarrassed by how badly my car stinks
How long am I going to be somewhere, can I smoke?
I mean, everything revolved around smoking.
The thing I used to help me de-stress was the one thing that caused me the most stress!
I find it amazing that for years I begged God to help me quit.
For years, therapists would hear me lament how much I wanted to quit. This love/hate tango which was annoying for them, but even worse for me!
Years of asking for help. Years of “practice runs”.
Now, through the grace of God and the prayers of the saints, I am 46 days free—and I keep looking back!
It’s truly amazing that God died and rose again to set us free from slavery, and we so willingly go back to those chains.
God have mercy on us, especially those most in need of it.
3 Likes
7 days porn-free
47 days smoke-free
14 hours nicotine-free
I’m tired but grateful; I physically hurt but spiritually comforted.
Now my body begins to finally heal from the last vestige of smoking.
Now I will be tried by a refining fire.
But, I am not alone; for there is Another in the fire. 
1 Like
50 days smoke-free
3.6 days nicotine-free
I had to reset my porn timer thrice. 
I’ve been so busy lately. Working, trying to get my house in order to move at the end of the month (and we still have no idea where we are moving to), and floating through the lawsuit and life without smoking.
I admit that I’ve emotionally ate too much, especially when we are super low on food and I get something that isn’t beans and rice— nom, nom, nom!
And, at work, there is so much food waste!!!
I cannot morally throw out perfectly good food!
My general manager and manager both have this disgusting capitalist ideology where if the company isn’t going to profit from it, no one is going to profit from it.
If food doesn’t look perfect, throw it out. Yet, if we do exactly what they say, food looks like shit!
Here is an example:
Our baked cod gets one spoonful of butter before it bakes. By the time it comes out of the oven, everything on top is scorched as well as the plate. However, with a couple of scoops of butter, it looks golden brown and beautiful.
I was scolded that it’s ONE SCOOP OF BUTTER only. (We have to save the company food costs!)
People spend a disgusting amount of money on this cod; if it were me, I’d want it to look and taste worthy of the price.
So, presenting burnt cod “to save money” is acceptable.
If a pancake isn’t perfectly round, chuck it!
I’m sorry, what?!
We cannot present customers with imperfect pancakes.
We will serve congealed gravy.
If I go to get boiling water to thin it out, I have offended the ancestors because of the cost of water!
Important side note: the manager and GM get a share of the restaurants profits at the end of the year
French fries, if they are cold, chuck them!
If we, the cooks and servers, eat the cold fried that were going to be thrown out—written up and fired for theft.
I told them, I morally cannot and will not throw out perfectly good food—i will quit on the spot.
So everyone will eat food while the managers aren’t looking.
The managers will search for food that is being saved just to throw it out.
Now it’s a game of hiding it (because it was going to be thrown out anyway) without being caught.
This food, which was going to be thrown out, is feeding hungry families. No joke.
And I ate so much of it the other day—and now I feel like such a thief.
I’m feeling so conflicted; there is such a dialectic going on inside. Such a moral/ethical/theological debate back and forth.
This is higher than a political issue, it’s a human issue.
I say this all the time: when it comes to the unhoused, the unborn, and marginalized, it’s no longer a political issue — it’s people issue.
We have fundamental rights.
People have a right to eat.
We don’t necessarily have a right to eat at bougie restaurants, per se.
But how is wasted food better for the company than feeding your employees?! It’s disgusting.
I’m very conflicted because I also want to be a man of integrity.
So although I’ve had to reset my porn timer, and I have binged, I’m still smoke-free; for that I am very proud.
Also, I went 10 days without porn. My average is like 2 days— so, I’m getting more tolerant of not using it. That’s something.
1 Like
Congratulations on 50 days smoke-free! That’s huge. You have every reason to be proud of yourself🎉.
2 Likes
I’ve gained weight.
I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t think it would happen so quickly.
I can, and have, lost 10lbs in a week. It’s medically documented. But, then I can also gain 10lbs in a week, which is also medically documented.
I know I’ve gained weight, more than I’m comfortable with.
I’m feeling a lot of shame because I know what’s the reason for it. I’ve eaten too much and too poorly.
Food is tasting better, and I already have an active eating disorder.
Luckily, I’ve ordered a new charger for my Fitbit. I’m wearing it and tracking my health. I’m predisposed to over-scrupulousity in it though. Feast or famine.
I’m also comparing my 36 year old body to my 20 year old Twink body.
20 year old me had knees and hips that were just out of the box, my knees now—I wish I had activated that warranty!
I could eat and not gain a pound.
But, I was also using drugs and was very active.
I hate when people say 36 is young. Sure. Maybe.
But it ain’t young for a car or computer. Time is relative.
I can feel my bones now, and they don’t feel great. My joints feel like gravel some days.
So, sure, I’m young(er), but I don’t heal as quickly!
I’m going to journal about triggers and do a BDA for tomorrow. Make a menu and try not to deviate from it.
I was doing well, had a minor backtrack, but I’m getting back on track.
Still smoke-, nicotine-, and porn-free!
1 Like
Yay! 
I have not gained as much as I thought; well, let me be more specific, I lost some weight since I check since Friday. I weight myself every Sunday to help me stay accountable (and to validate my efforts). I haven’t been doing so well this past couple of weeks. Especially since I’ve been drinking root beer. Soda is liquid candy. When I checked my weight, my heart sank. I have to reserve root beer for very special occasions. That’s not a big deal, I went almost 6 months without soda. However, something I’ve learned about myself is that sugary beverages could be my next addiction.
It’s super important that I keep them as an occasional treat.
If I banish them, the taboo would be too tantalizing. I’d be rebelling against myself every time I’d drink one. I know myself well enough to know I would think about them constantly.
Right now, I don’t care about them… Again let me be more specific; I don’t want their empty calories. I enjoy root beer (or soda in general) but skinny tastes better.
Although I’ve gained weight this week, it’s not as bad as I thought and I’m comfortable with it. So, I’m happy. I was already back on track, but now I’m happily back on track.
Still smoke-, nicotine-, and porn-free!
1 Like
It is amazing that even after 54 days of not smoking, and almost 8 days without nicotine, I am still thinking about smoking.
It would taste like shit and make me feel like shit.
Why am I so convinced that one would make anything better? It’s such a beautiful day, it’s already wonderful. What would a cigarette do to add to it? Nothing! It would only take from today.
I’d spend the rest of the day not doing shit because I’d no doubt would have a stroke, or at least get a pounding headache for the rest of the day. I’d panic because I’d smell like smoke, taste tar, and then be so upset at myself for smoking when I don’t want to.
I know all of this, so why am I still thinking about them so romantically?
Addiction sucks.
2 Likes
I’m probably answering a rhetorical question here, but aaanyway… 
The romanticised feeling is a counterfeit but a strong one. We know this. Imagine it like a train. You’re going full speed and hit the breaks. The locomotive is already in stop-mode but the rest of the train keeps going forward. That’s what we’re doing, too. You make a decision and implement it but not all parts of you are on board yet. Sometimes you have to negotiate with them and sometimes say: “Nope, that’s not what we’re doing today.”
2 Likes
You’re absolutely right, I am a train wreck! 
55 days smoke-free
8 days nicotine-free
1.5(ish) days PMO free
It’s amazing to me how quickly fast food/junk food makes me gain weight. 5 pounds in 3 days! I have been too absorbed into myself, my feelings. When I am exhausted and my body feels like it’s on fire, I dont want to commit to making something to eat. But, now it’s come down to what do I want more? Immediate or long-term comfort?
I know too many ways to self-sooth while maintaining my goals and priorities. I’m still too immature though. Like a child, when I’m exhausted and hurting, nothing else exists outside of what I’m feeling now. I know better. This is my gentle tsk, tsk to myself.
Just as a cigarette wouldn’t actually make me feel better, stopping to get a cheeseburger isn’t either (in the moment or long-term!).
Pizza is my downfall. I’m weak around pizza.
Sometimes I’ll think about pizza. When it’s a crap pizza, I don’t think—wow, what a waste of money—it’s more like—that sucked, better luck next time.
If I could transmigrate into anything, it would be a delicious and beautiful pizza. I want to give people joy. Pizza is an experience, not just a food.
But thinking like that isn’t going to help me lose weight.
I need something that will turn off all of this food noise.
When I was on legal meth, erm, Adderall, I lost so much weight because I didn’t think about food. But, I’m not on it anymore. I don’t need it, and it was too stressful trying to get a refill with it being a controlled substance.
My insurance at the time wouldn’t cover any weight loss medication or procedures. After I move, I will see if that changes.
Besides, I’m still very worried about this nodule in my lung.
I’m trying to not be scared, too.
60 days smoke-free
13 days nicotine-free
2 days PMO-free
Working has my internal system all messed up again. I’m finding myself dissociating more now, and I don’t like that. I don’t like that I’m skipping past all of my healthy tools to deal with stress and interpersonal effectiveness. I’ve also gained weight. Marginal and within the threshold of don’t panic. But, it’s the wrong direction.
It turns out I can’t even have a sip of soda without it turning into a slippery slope… No, an avalanche. It’s formulated that way, though. Liquid candy. Instant dopamine boost. So, I am going to detox myself from soda again.
I’ve been dealing with a remarkably amount of stress. Like, am I going to be unhoused in 3 weeks? Maybe, maybe not.
Y’all will find out live-time.
But, as many prayers I’ve sent up and have asked for, I have faith that it’ll all work out. We still serve a God of Miracles.
I keep finding myself looking for tragedies to justify smoking.
Yesterday was the closest I’ve been to bumming a smoke off of someone. SO CLOSE I got in my car and immediately said out loud “it’ll taste like shit and make me feel like shit”.
I prayed to Mary and said “I know I shouldn’t depend on God’s consolations to make me feel better all of the time; but, I really need some right now”.
It wasn’t immediately answered, so I supplemented my prayer with a small chocolate Frosty—which honestly could be the same thing. I ate it on my way home and it started to calm me down. I was so hot. Being hot is a trigger for me. The AC in the car wasn’t cooling down and I needed something fast. Could Ive got some ice water? Yes. Had I been drinking ice water up to that point? Yes. I never eat Frosty’s. I will get them for my wife occasionally. I don’t like them. Why did I get one yesterday and it taste so good? I’m not sure. Honestly I don’t care too much to deep dive into it. It did its job: 1.) cooled me down, 2.) gave me a healthier alternative to smoking in that moment.
Then I started thinking why do I need to justify my actions to anyone? What kind of Big Brother bs is that? Perhaps I wanted a Frosty. Does it need anything more than that?
My hyper-scrupulous and over-analytical mind has been toiling overtime.
Thoughts that lead down a dangerous road.
And, I will never be enough; never be [fill in the blank] with such an overactive, emotional thought pattern.
So I am resting on that I am a beloved son of God and all my haters can take their hate and judgement before God and see how it stacks up in the light of truth and mercy.
I have a hard enough time worrying about what I think of me, I don’t have the emotional real estate to fret a out what others think, too.
I will end it with this: I wish I had a thicker, fuller beard. But, I also don’t want to continue with a goatee. I also don’t like my face freshly shaved. So I want to grow a beard.
Which looks/would look better? Asking for a friend.
Also that friend is me.
I’m asking for me.
1 Like
First off, HUGE congratulations on 60 days smoke free! Thats a massive accomplishment. It sounds like ur going thru alot mentally 
I can relate at times. Our minds can be our own worst enemy. So glad u didnt get a smoke off someone yesterday. To be honest, u say:
But when I read ur post, I see u working A LOT of healthy tools. Ur praying, coping in other ways (Frosty), ur using self awareness, ur talking urself out of doing something harmful. All of those skills are hard work but ur doing them!
I think too that everything ur experiencing is quite normal. Ur under huge amounts of stress due to potentially being unhoused in 3 weeks (I will pray as well that this doesnt happen), so under the circumstances, I think ur doing an amazing job keeping things together. Give urself some grace friend 
As for the beard or goatee question… i think u should do what makes u happy! Im sure u suit both
Glad ur checking in and getting some things off ur chest! Odaat
2 Likes
Oh Mylanta! This was so remarkably sweet and well thought through. Thank you for taking the time to help me reframe my progress and successes. You’re absolutely right! This made my whole day! 
1 Like
Awe ur post made me smile! Im glad it helped. Sometimes we need another perspective on things 
Its so easy to get caught up in our own thoughts. I hope ur day gets better friend
1 Like
It already has, thanks to you!
1 Like
61 days smoke-free
14 days nicotine-free
Reset PMO timer
I pray God, heal my mind, memories, thoughts, and imagination. For this I knock, seek, and ask. I want to be holy and perfect, as Christ commands of His followers. But, it isn’t by my merits or works. I must participate in His grace. Grace upon grace. In this storm, I must keep my eyes on Him lest I sink; and I will and have sunk many times before. Faithfully He continues to rescue me, foolish creature that I am. Regardless, He calls me a brother and a beloved son of the Father.
I just went to confession and here I am again stumbling around in mortal sin, wilfully blinding myself. But His love is beyond comprehension, and His mercies are new. So, I again ask Him the mercy to forgive this wretched sinner once more; and allow me the grace of going to confession again.
I’m looking forward to St. Michael’s Lent.
1 Like
Congratulations on 2 weeks being nicotene free!! Although, Im sorry to hear sbout ur reset. Just keep at it friend! ODAAT Dont give up!
2 Likes
66 days smoke-free
19 days nicotine-free
5 days PMO-free
I am dealing with a remarkable amount of stress. I have to move in 2 weeks and I still haven’t signed a lease. I have asked the apartment place for it, and they keep giving me the run around. There have been so many red flags, but so far they’re the only ones that have accepted our application. (My wife’s credit score is poor.)
I won’t get into the specifics, but it has been stressful.
I’ve been binge watching Schitt’s Creek again. There are a few shows that are timeless, that don’t spoil with age. SC is definitely one of them.
So far this year, I’ve binged my favorite shows: Frasier, Grace & Frankie, and now Schitt’s Creek. I still have time for Will & Grace and Golden Girls!
I’m a couple episodes away from ugly crying again and will have the emotional real estate to start a new series. I might also start a new book…rather, an old friend.
2 Likes
Im sorry ur going thru soooo much stress right now. I really hope that u will be able to secure a place in 2 weeks. What sort of red flags are u seeing with this one place ur talking about? I hope if u get this place, that there wont be any issues down the road 
But i know that finding shelter is ur top priority right now.
Great job on ur timers tho! It seems like ur managing all this stress in healthier ways. A good show/book is always helpful. Hope u have a less stressful day today
1 Like