ICanAndWill's Touchstone

Life in Recovery
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61

As always, you’re too kind.

Healthier is correct… kind of like Winifred Sanderson saying she was “younger, but it’s a start!”

I’m still emotionally eating, however I’m also eating a lot of mints and sugar-free candy!

Want a cigarette? Mint.

Want a hug? Sugar-free lemon drop.

But—it isn’t a cigarette! So, I’m proud of myself there.

The amount of stress is getting to the point that I don’t care if a cigarette tastes good or not, I want the high. It’s been long enough that one hit would do it—also very likely to throw me into a stroke—but, I’m doing what I can to get ahead of this. I’m getting manic again.

Jo Lyn asked if I was okay this evening…she said I’m “restless”. Heck yeah! I am not okay and trying to get myself tired enough to be able to handle it without a cigarette !

I have faith that everything will be okay. It might actually be a painful dumpster fire of a situation, and it might not actually end well—but if God gives it to me, then it is good and I will thank Him for it.

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62

67 days smoke-free

20 days nicotine-free

6.5 days porn-free

After watching the rest of Schitt’s Creek and ugly crying, I realized I watched it the last time I moved from WV to OH. I hope this doesn’t become a tradition! :crossed_fingers:t2: Naturally feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable, I tried to stay busy. I need to fix my mower. Ugh. Hopefully it’s an easy fix. I packed some more, did some laundry, and tried to talk with my wife. I shared some fears. She dismissed them so :clap:t2: quickly :clap:t2:.

I’m learning that I can’t depend on her for emotionally important things. That’s something we discovered in marriage counseling. Although she says she feels sad to hear that and feels bad about it, absolutely nothing has changed. And, right now, I am so very emotionally raw.

I left a job that that literally damaged my health and marriage, a job that I loved so very very much. I lost an incredible friendship because it was tied exclusively to that job. I was committed twice, once being falsely —legal kidnapping. (Legal only because they make the laws) I’m still suffering the PTSD from that horrific experience. I am coming out of an intense existential crisis; something I have never experienced before and navigating relatively alone. The world I had for 2 years was a mirage, and now I’m moving out of State and realizing just how alone I was here.

Being raw, I watched Wicked with Jo last night. :laughing: I figured I’d might as well be kicked with fabulous shoes while I’m down. But, this morning, I’m still feeling that throbbing loneliness that comes with emotional isolation. I’m looking forward to being back in a State that cares for it’s citizens.

The first thing is to get established in a parish up there, and then see if I can go to their Courage meetings. The opposite of addiction is connection. I’m really looking forward to that connection.

I’m learning a lot this year.

About myself, my wife and marriage, and about others.

But, today, I’m going to rest from the big stuff and figure out what’s wrong with my mower—or I’m going to nap. Possibly both.

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63

Im sorry ur feeling so emotionally raw and alone. Its so upsetting when u come to ur loved one for support and u feel dismissed. Not that this is the same thing exactly, but my dad is unemotionally available and as a child i tried to come to him for support or when I was down, and my feelings were often dismissed. It definitly puts a wall up eh? Like urself, i had to accept that this person may not be capable of showing support in the way that I need. And once I accepted that fact wholeheartedly, it became easier in a sense to not expect that from them. Having expectations of others can sometimes lead to disappointment.

I hope tho that ur able to feel some connection here on TS. We are all here for u friend :slight_smile: I know its not the same as having in person connection but I still hope u feel not so alone. Hoping ur day improves :slight_smile:

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Hey friend, i read ur post earlier while i was heading to work and was going to respond to it, but its no longer there. Just wanted u to know that Im glad ur writing this stuff out. Its so important to get it out as opposed to keeping it stuffed inside. Great job on ur timers as well! Hope ur day is improving!

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66

68 days smoke-free

21 days nicotine-free

7 days PMO-free

I’ve just dropped my cats off to get neutered and updated on their vaccinations. I’m so nervous! Those boys are my babies!!! :sob: I’m going to church and tucking myself into a lovely little chapel to pray.

I’ve got to stay busy today. I’ve got to—for my mental health and sobriety.

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Congratulations on 3 weeks nicotine free and 1 week PMO free :slight_smile:

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Thanks!

The lease has been signed! Hopefully nothing happens between now and when I get the keys! :crossed_fingers:t2:

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Yay!!! So happy for u!!! Praying nothing goes wrong :slight_smile:

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Oh Mylanta, me too! :sweat_smile:

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U must feel a HUGE sense of relief :slight_smile:

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Not really. :zany_face:

I have debilitating anxiety :clap:t2: all :clap:t2: the :clap:t2: time!

I’m hoping once I get settled back in Ohio to talk to a doctor about getting it remedied. :crossed_fingers:t2:

But, it is one less thing to not totally panic over. RN it’s just a minor panic. :laughing:

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73

69 days smoke-free

22 days nicotine-free

8 days PMO-free

My anxiety—no, it was sheer panic—woke me from sleep. I kept thinking about how the property manager said she’d sign the lease when we move in “just in case something happens”. We move in on a day she doesn’t work. And… what would that “something” be? We’ve already signed! I wanted a cigarette so badly. I didn’t care for the consequences. Whether I have a stroke and die, or take a hit and immediately find it revulting. I didn’t care.

I ate so much yesterday! So. Much.

I kept thinking, what is going on with me? What am I trying to avoid or not feel?

It was an awful compulsion. I wanted to sit down and have a gentle conversation with my internal system. What’s going on? How can I help?

But I ate and ate and ate.

I was tempted to purge. However, I will go to extremes to not vomit—and I’m saving the laxatives for when they are needed.

I didn’t need to punish myself anyway. I was doing a good job of that already.

Since sin is interconnected, I went to bed prepared for the inevitable porn snare.

Half awake, half asleep I concocted a plan to find relief from my panic attack. (There is a lot more than just the move.) However, I figured if I have the energy to roll out of bed to go downstairs, I’d have the energy for a walk.

So I grabbed my rosary and shuffled outside. A mile and an hour of praying later, by the grace of God, I’m still PMO-free!

These temptations, especially with smoking, are becoming more intense. I don’t like that. It doesn’t seem right. Instead of subsiding with time, they are increasing in intensity.

I feel ashamed by my lack of control over my appetite. However, God has given me a new day, another opportunity to repent and start anew. So shall I.

I will also try to reframe my anxious thoughts and choose joy.

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74

The closer to God we go, the harder the enemy tempts us

I would say, read your bible.
Connect with other people in real life, that are in the word of God.
You’re trying to manage so many emotions, but it seems like you let yourself deep in those emotions.

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75

That’s great advice! Thank you! :folded_hands:t2:

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70 days smoke-free

23 days nicotine-free

Reset PMO timer.

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71 days smoke-free

24 days nicotine-free

1 day PMO-free

I have been feeling a remarkable amount of loneliness. Fortunately, I was able to discover some of the causes for my emotional eating. It appears as if I will be doing some Parts work later today.

The stress of everything is negatively affecting my body. The constant increased cortisol levels are being felt throughout my body.

My wife is currently undermedicated, not in therapy, going through menopause, and is feeling the grief of losing her only child 15 years ago full-force.

She is projecting onto me. I can’t help her. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

If I empathize, I’m “pyschoanalyzing” her.

If I give her space, I’m neglecting her.

If I defend or clarify myself, I risk gaslighting her.

If I let it go, I risk validating her distorted perceptions of me.

I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I will either split, begin smoking again, or both. I’m to the point that I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I’m riddled with cancer. Let it eat me alive. I don’t care if I stroke out or have a heart attack, they’d be kinder to me than the cancer.

But, I can’t think like that.

I must carry on. I have to…

I am not alone.

I mean, the physical elements—yes, I am. But, emotionally, I am not. Because I am going to convince myself that people on here genuinely care for and accept me.

It’s in these moments that I wish I were beautiful, had great genes…beautiful people don’t have to beg for validation. But, perhaps this is the last part of my existential situation — coming to terms with reality and forgiving myself. I’ve damaged myself. Self-love and -acceptance would be a lot easier if I didn’t hate myself so much.

Fiddle-dee-dee

I can’t think about that right now, I’ll think about that tomorrow. :nail_polish:t2:

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Hey friend… sounds like u and ur wife are going thru alot (in ur own ways). I can see that ur trying to be supportive of her but that she is not very receptive to it. That absolutely can make life hard for u and create a lot of stress and lonliness.

How she treats you, isnt fair. She really needs to take responsibility for her end of the street. Do u know why shes hesitant to be on medication and do therapy? Talking to a therapist about her grief may help her to sort thru some feelings. Its not fair shes projecting onto u :frowning:

This is obviously putting u into a dark place. Something needs to be done for ur own sanity. I wonder if taking a step back may be beneficial. Im not one to say go straight for a seperation or anything like that, but stepping back in the sense of putting some boundaries in place or something along those lines, may be helpful.

We cant control other people, but we CAN control our response and how it makes us feel. As hard as it sounds, no one can MAKE us feel a certain a way. We have that choice wether it effects us or not. It can be hard absolutely to not allow someone to effect us, especially when its a loved one. But it may be worth trying :slight_smile:

We ABSOLUTELY do friend! Please remember that! Even tho we are online, we still care about u and ur well being :people_hugging:

Hope u take care of urself today with self care, self love, and self forgiveness. You deserve this!

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79

this is what brought you there

take it easy on yourself man, s***. Being so critical of yourself is not helping.

Why not take a walk and talk to the Highest Power, who loves you and cares for you. He doesn’t see you like that, He see’s you for what you really are. Which is good by the way, not bad.

relax, pray, eat a snack, get outside, call someone, do something and get out of this mode of thinking because being like that (critical) isn’t productive. You need help with this stuff, not condemnation. So go ask for help and get off the pity pot (with all respect intended).

Feel better my friend.

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She is fond of reminding me that “life isn’t fair”, as long as the cards are stacked in her favor. I used to (and still feel the flares of self-righteousness arise) get worked up whenever she’d say this. But, one day while driving madder than a wet cat, I realized she was right.

Marriage is self-sacrifice. Sometimes it’s 70-30, 60-40, 49-51—but it’s never truly 50-50. And, whenever someone has the short end of the stick, it should be held with joy. Shouldn’t we love to help our best friend? Is it ever a burden to come to the aid of a loved one?

Marriage was never meant to be a legal institution. It is a sacrament. It teaches us about the self-giving love of God.

And as God emptied Himself out and died on the Cross for love of us, I have to die to myself sometimes for love of my wife. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

Sure, there are days where only my vow keeps me bound to her. But, I meant my vow. I knew it was more than feelings.

She’s menopausal and has a broken heart.

It would be an egregious act against love to not press into her resistance. Not because I want anything in return, but because I’m showing her I’m still here. She’s done more for me, and to leave (even emotionally) wouldn’t be fair. :wink:

We are experiencing growing pains. I hope I haven’t made it seem as if it were worse than that. I come here to vent because I don’t have anyone currently I can trust. But, as always, thank you so very much for being there and responding. You’re too, too kind.

I hope you have a beautiful day wherever you are! It’s supposed to rain today, but they’ve said that for the past 2 days! :sun::umbrella:

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I :100: understand, but here is the dilemma:

If you are referring to my move, there isn’t anyone to help me here in WV. And, I cannot afford to hire movers. However, I could ask some more people in OH—but it’s amazing how many people suddenly injured their backs when asked!

But, I appreciate the get over yourself approach. At first I was taken back, as I didn’t intend to sound pitiful. Then I spent the evening (and most of this morning) cogitating on your words and found them sound. I had been wallowing in self-pity. Thank you for shaking me out.