I hope this is how you make a community post, its been too long since i joined this app. Struggling with the holidays so near.
Wine and i, have had such a deep love affair over the last 5 years, i find it so hard to go more than 4 or 5 days without it and i cave.
Why? Why do i/we torture ourselves the way we do? We know we don’t deserve it! 
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Hard time this time of year , maybe try a meeting meet like minded friends wish you well
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Holidays are a tough time for sure. Even with strong sobriety the temptations come strong and fast! What have you tried to quit before? Maybe time to try something new?
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Ive done meetings and outpatient treatment
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Did you really want to give it up?
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you have to want it more than anything else.
Right now, wine is a mask you’ve been putting on for so long that you’ve forgotten (or never developed) your presence as your self. You’ve been wearing this mask and it is tied into your identity.
The mask - the pattern of putting on the mask - is because of something deeper. You gotta dig deep to find that and you gotta want it. You gotta want it like a person in the desert wants water. You’ll go anywhere and do anything - not just show up, but actually dive in whole-heartedly & for the long haul, do steps, follow instructions, call people daily, check yourself in again, all that stuff - because you are that hungry for healing.
Do you want it?
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Welcome back.
Why do you think you cave?
I know why I did. It was a combination of feeling better after a hangover, it was when the discomfort of withdrawals setting in. It was denial and it was refusal of putting in the work.
I found quitting to be easy; staying quit on the otherhand, that’s the hard part. Taking it one day at a time helped make putting in the work managable.
Let’s get it!
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OK, so you know a fair bit about recovery then. But knowing in your head and feeling it in your bones are different things. You have to really understand and accept that the minuses of drinking will always outweigh the (minor) pluses. And unfortunately sometimes the only way to do that is keep experiencing those minuses until the pain of them is more than the pain of change. Getting to some meetings and listening to other people talk about the minuses of drinking might be a shortcut to understanding that the change has to be made. Even if you went to meetings before, maybe the message will hit differently.
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I think you need to direct your inquiry at the part of yourself that has a love affair w alcohol. You won’t be able to give it up if you don’t understand what draws you to it and what you apparently (cos it’s all lies and the total net gain is zero) get out of drinking. The universal lament won’t get you ahead. It’s your journey and you have your own reasons. Meetings, therapy and honest introspection all are proven ways to get to your personal truth.
Here are some more resources: Resources for our recovery
Good luck!
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Welcome back @Roxymeg
I totally hear you with struggling as my story is very similar to yours.
I’ve joined this forum over 5 years ago but could never string more than a few days together without setting back. Thought it was hopeless.
Fast forward:
December last year I decided enough was enough and I really wanted to change something.
Started the counter again. Tried to get into a healthier lifestyle, healthier food, a walking program to keep me a active etc and it went well.
The sober holiday season was actually quite nice. Alcohol free Mulled wine tastes great and it feels good being in control and not getting blurry. I actually never liked the feeling of being drunk in public and alway was a solitude at home drinker.
Stayed sober for 84 days, went on vacation in March to see a friend again for a few days. Had a glass of wine with diner one night. Two glasses the next evening.
Then I was back home. No wine.
But after a few days I thought one wouldn’t hurt.
So my drinking nights summed up again. Not as bad but still more than I would have thougt.
Counted the sober days per month and by July I had more drinking days than sober days again and I knew I couldn’t go on like this anymore.
I was done with drinking. I realised that alcohol doesn’t do ANY good for me. It just makes me feel depressed, bloated and tired and I was just sick of it.
And as soon as I saw that clearly I knew I wouldn’t miss out on anything without alcohol.
I actually enjoy gatherings much more now and nobody cares if I have an alcoholic drink or not.
And I really don’t miss drinking alcohol at all.
No wise words from me though but the clue for me was to simply understand that I don’t need alcohol in my life.
There’s nothing in the world alcohol wouldn’t make worse !!!
Edit: 137 days alcohol free now and counting
Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Stay with us. Reach out. Read. Post. Keep yourself accountable.
And take it one day at a time 
Thank you @Misokatsu for this inspiring post
That’s exactly what I thought… you took the words right out of my heart !