If I’m being honest

If I’m being honest with myself,
I misused those pills prescribed by my doctor.
When one was in my system I was powerless and had to take more.
They said take 2 every four hours
And I took 8.
Now I’m obsessing over the thoughts that I gave up my 2+ years over a tiny little white pill
And if I gave it up and already have to start over my date, I might as well go get high for real.
I’m struggling
I googled drugs on Craigslist

I want to go get high,
But I also don’t want to die.

I’m afraid if I go out, I won’t come back.
But how fucking stupid is it to throw away two years of sobriety for a little tiny bottle of pills?

Has anyone else been in the situation?

I’m trying to find the motivation to stay sober today. Even if I lost my time a couple months ago.

I don’t know what to do.


Being honest is the hardest thing to do when wrapped up in addiction, so, you got that going for you. Also, you dont lose any of that sobriety that you had before you reset. Just like when you turn another year older you don’t lose the years you had before, you just pile them on top of the other years. Start piling the days again. Sure it sucks to “start over” but you have all of that knowledge and wisdom from your 2+ yrs. hell, if you hadn’t had that wisdom, you wouldn’t have come here and got honest with yourself.
When I slip, then have to come clean, I always go to a meeting and share there. It helps me to remember that I am loved, I am worthy of sobriety and that I have a purpose here, even if that purpose today is to fill a seat at the table and be a part of the group.

Hit reset and do what you did to stay sober before. :heart:


Is this a case of restarting your original counter or creating a 2nd counter. I guess it is up to you to decide if you have relapsed or if you have just created a new addiction. Sometime a new addiction is a relapse too. Really it is up to you to decide. I think you are an honest person so you will make an honest decision.

Don’t beat yourself up. This is what addiction does to us. Almost daily I think about picking up smoking or dieting or over exercising or something else just because my body wants to be addicted to something. I’m an addict. But recognizing that this is what our brain is doing to us is a HUGE deal. You’ve recognized what is happening and you are actively searching for help. That is great. Another person might make up a million excuses and say “well, it is prescribed by my doctor so it isn’t so bad”.


And if I’m being honest…I really came close to buying a whole whack of laxatives this weekend…just to relieve myself from some of the weight I’m carrying around. Physical and emotional weight.

You’re here and asking the right questions though instead. Those two years aren’t thrown away if you don’t let them. What did you learn? And whatever happened yesterday, what do you want for today? Cuz that’s the day that matters tomorrow.

I threw away several months before a years-long relapse worse than any before. I look at that brief time sober as a godsend, and the treatment I had then was just enough light to show me what I really needed to do once I was ready to get to it. Once enough was enough, I knew where to turn. I jumped back in and doubled down, adding whatever I could.

What’s done is done. Today we’re sober.


No one judges your sobriety but you. You didn’t lose all that you learned, all those good days, the repair to your body and spirit.

I’m afraid if I go out, I won’t come back.

I know that fear; I have it too. You are worth far too much to go back to that life. One poor decision does not doom you to going back out. You have learned from it, accounted for it, and now you live sober again. I know that, for me, there is no other way I can be if I hope to stay alive. Maybe the same is true for you?


Don’t relapse. Don’t take those pills. You’ll feel better when you wake up tomorrow knowing you made it another day clean . You can do this. We’re all here for you.