Porn addict here
Nice meeting you.
First thing is, please remember these threads are public, so I would advise keeping any personally identifying stuff to a minimum on the threads (messages between users on Talking Sober are private, but the threads are not).
I classify myself as a sex addict, which I define as being addicted to lust, to the fantasy, the unreal, the fake “thrill” of seeking exhilaration in sexual activity and fantasy (whether solo or with others: it doesn’t really matter where or with whom; the thing that makes this addiction is the inability to let it go (without help), and the endless fantasy and escalation).
It sounds like your spouse is in a similar scenario. Whether she calls herself a sex addict or not is not really a major issue; it’s enough of a problem for her that she is asking for help.
My first advice for you is to remember that you can’t do her recovery for her, as much as you might want to help. The action and the follow up and the remembering and the doing all has to come from her.
You can suggest to her that she visit twelve-step groups for sex addicts in recovery. There are three main twelve-step programs for sex addiction; they have some differences but the core goal of recovery is the same:
- Sexaholics Anonymous
- Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
She can also explore programs that are not twelve-step programs if she likes. I tried a few SMART Recovery meetings myself. The people are friendly and the program works. I chose Sexaholics Anonymous myself because I appreciated the immediate, direct discussion of recovery from sex addiction, and I “clicked” with the people in the group.
After that, there’s not much you can or should do for her. She needs to get up and work a program to be sober, she needs to make sober contacts, and she needs to work for months and years, always one day at a time.
My second suggestion is for you to join an S-Anon group (see if you can find one for men; there may be one online; it’s not absolutely essential but I have found that there’s a different dynamic in people’s experience recovering, from various male and a female perspectives).
S-Anon, like Al-Anon, is for the spouses and family members of people in addiction. In S-Anon, you learn how to live, think, and feel, in constructive ways, and how to live a life of satisfaction and growth for yourself, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do. (My spouse attended a group similar to S-Anon in the early years of my recovery.) S-Anon helps you care for your emotional, healthy self, in a way that works. (Eric has a great thread where he shares about his journey in Al-Anon: Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
Welcome to Talking Sober! This must feel overwhelming for you. I can imagine.