I'm a rageaholic

Life in Recovery
1

Hey everyone. My name is Maddox, and I’m a rageaholic. Thank you all for letting me share this forum with you, even though for me sobriety means not lashing out in anger at the people I love.

I’m here because I’ve been angry my whole life. My parents taught me to be angry. It’s a lesson I learned very well, we weren’t physically abusive, but we hated everyone and everything. I learn to drive aggressively, treat people as though they were fools, and act as though I’m superior to everyone else. Everyone else deserves whatever emotion I sent at them.

A week ago, I took my wife, young kids, and her mother, to the movies. While getting out of the car, my wife commented that I was frustrating her, because I was paying too much attention to the baby, and not helping with everyone else. That set me off. I got into an argument with her, and we wound up arguing back and forth with each other right over the head of my young son. My son burst into tears and was begging us to stop. The argument ended with my wife and I sitting in silence after I told her to go get a lawyer. I managed to walk that comment back later, and now we’ve been living with a high degree of tension for the last few days.

My wife is one of my triggers. I don’t know why, but when she expresses frustration with me, I immediately start to get angry. I want to yell back at her that I’m doing my best, and she has no right to be frustrated with me. But I know that she’s right. I get angry so easily, I get mad at her, and the kids. And they don’t deserve to be treated that way.

I’m on day 5 of my journey. This is my first time through it. I’ve had a couple of instances where I’ve had to try really hard not to let my anger out. And, whenever my wife criticizes me, it feels like it’s all going to come exploding out.

That’s me. I’m a rageaholic, and if I don’t get this fixed, I’m going to ruin the most important relationships in my life.

2 Likes
2

Sorry you are struggling with this issue. I don’t experience such rage, but I sure as hell had anger built up inside me.

It would be good to try to explore what’s causing the rage subconsciously. Have you considered CBT at all?

3

Oh my gosh. I completely misread the title and thought you were saying you were addicted to reggae

2 Likes
4

Sorry but that wasn’t funny. Add violence to this man’s problem and he could be my soon to be ex husband.

1 Like
5

I think that it was a poke at their own mistake. Not to down play the OP post. And let’s be honest I think we all have made silly mistakes and sometimes laughing at ourselves is okay.

2 Likes
6

I meant to say insensitive, not funny.

7

It’s a strange thing to be addicted to rage and anger. Obviously you were taught it, it was learned as you said from your parents. It’s honestly about breaking that cycle I know already you can because you know what your triggers are you feel it coming. It’s a matter a choice just like with me and my drink. It’s all choice you can chose how to react but you have to give yourself time. Time watch your thoughts and feel the emotions connected to them…it’s something we all do some more that others if our thoughts are negative the emotional response will be negative. CBT may help you I would speak to your doctor be honest and challenge your negative thoughts in the meantime.

1 Like
8

Thanks Serenity. I’ve never been violent but I can tell that’s where this would be headed. After seeing my son bawling at his daddy telling his mommy he doesn’t want to be with her anymore … I just can’t be this person anymore. I can’t be.

2 Likes
9

Man, this was/is one of my problems. For me it was pride. I wasn’t gonna be the one that lost the fight. Ya know? One of the reasons I almost lost everything.

Quick example of a situation just the other day. We were at a taco shop. My wife ordered a lot of stuff and it came out to 38$ bucks. All I quietly said was “Geezze Hun” and holy shit she was mad at me she said that I was so awkward when I ordered and I didn’t take well to that insult. I was pissed now too. Like how dare she say that I was awkward.

So her and my kid went and sat down and I went to smoke a cig to cool off. I then remembered our marriage counseling. I needed to first apologize for my part in the fight tell her why what she said bothered me. Because if I didn’t then I would’ve let this stupid silly fight fester inside till I just got more angry.

So I did just that. I went back inside and said I was sorry. She said “so am I” and we talked about what happened. I told her what bothered me and she told me what bothered her… Done. Over.

Even tho I knew I was right. Lol. But I gotta pick my battles man. I’ve gotta step back from the situation and evaluate how important being right is. This will usually make me see how stupid the fight was. And do I really want to sit in silence because my poor little pride got hurt?? Fuck no. Did she insult me? Yes. But I also unintentionally made her feel like she was getting too much food.

It’s work man. You’re not alone. But we love our women and gotta step back sometimes and admit our faults.:slight_smile:

3 Likes
10

I has serious issues with this in the past myself. I called it spiralling. I still get it every once in a while but so incredibly infrequently that it doesn’t matter so much any more. It wouldbe like thisclawing force that asserted that I neededto defend myself. I got a sick twisyed satisfaction from it though (catharsis maybe?). After having one of these epic fights with my ex (roughly 7ish years ago) I landed in the E.R. after an attempted suicide. At that point I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and started taking SSRIs.

I realized they were working when one day I forgot my phone at work after we had closed up shop. Normally I would cry and start breaking down, but I was able to actually think to myself ‘I can just get it tomorrow’.

I’m not saying you have major depressive disorder, but I would really advise getting checked out to make sure there aren’t medical reasons for your anger

11

It’s true that I am insensitive to a certain extent, but I do try to reign it in (at least somewhat).

Anyways, I really did read his entire post thinking maybe he was saying he was Jamaican, or something. I actually reread the whole post twice before I realized my error. I’m sorry my pointing it out was insensitive

1 Like
12

I did admittedly wonder if it was an okay response, but I figured it was just a statement, thus couldn’t be construed as rude, and worst case scenario it would bump the topic back to the top of the heap which would be helpful to the poster

1 Like
13

Hi Maddox,

That’s very brave of you to admit and want to change your problem. You will break a family cycle. If you don’t, your son will grow up to repeat it, and I’m sure you love your son enough to not allow that to happen.

This is totally different, but when I was younger, I was intensely jealous. I would have a physical reaction if I thought I saw my partner look at someone else, would obsess over it, and on occasions would have total breakdowns over it. I felt powerless to control my reaction. It was such a painful place to be. Of course, the triggers were everywhere…any time an attractive person was in our presence, I would squirm in my skin and have anxiety attacks.

I’m not sure how I outgrew it, but after I had kids and got some perspective, the pattern finally died. Again, different issue, but I can relate to not feeling in control of my emotional response, and the sense of powerlessness can be overwhelming.

Please do seek whatever help is available, and tell your wife you know you need help. Good luck!

14

No worries. I panicked when I read it. It is a topic I know well and worse, so best if I avoid. Sorry you got caught in my crossfire.

15

Gabe, it was really helpful to hear your story. I can see myself reacting the way you did. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who acts like this.

1 Like
16

You are defo not alone in this. It’s something I always have to work on. Sometimes when the wifey and I are bickering I’ll catch myself letting the anger boil up. When I’m sitting there with that look on my face. I can feel it coming. It’s what I do next that matters.

My Wifey is a fighter too man. Like the song says “she’s a fighter when she’s mad and she’s a lover when she’s lovin”. She will dish it out in the moment just like me. She can get downright mean and then feel bad about it 10 minutes later. But in that moment of rage, she wants to say it. So one of us has to be the one to end it. It’s usually me but hey, who’s counting. Lol!

It’s super hard tho man. It’s super hard to say you’re sorry or you were wrong. It’s even harder when you don’t think you were wrong. I have found that 75% of the time it’s just because one of us missunderstood what the other one said or implied. Then it spins out of control because we then cook up all this nonsense in our own heads about what the other was thinking.

That’s where talking about it with each other comes in. The other song says “when she says I’m sorry say So Am I”. Me and my wife forgot to talk things out somewhere along the way. We had to retrain ourselves to do it again. And it brought us closer together.

Alright, that’s enough out of me:)

1 Like
17

Hi Maddox good luck to you. Interesting story. I have a kid on my team going through the same thing. I went through some issues after college. Identifying triggers was a huge step for me and learning that I and I alone am the only one responsible for my words, actions, and emotions helped me to get over the issue.
I find your statement of sending what ever emotion you think they deserve to be extremely honest. And that part relates to the young man I coach the most.
He definitely operates in that manner.
I’ll point out the following, obviously not knowing the history of the relationship, but I think it applies to most relationships that are centered around caring and love.
Don’t get angry when they express an emotion and want to talk about something that you do that could be better. in this instance your anger. That criticism comes from a place of caring.
When they stop saying those things that means they’ve given up on you.
You’ve taken a great step. Keep working on it. There’s a lot to love in the world and it’s much easier than the alternative.

1 Like